posted on Sep, 29 2006 @ 06:07 AM
so i've got a lot to write about.
this past year has been crazy. i met a girl who stole my heart, just blew me away. the first 3 months were absolutely amazing, but i screwed up, and
continued to do so for the remainder of this past year.
basically, i smoethered her, and she's gone now. she no longer loves me.
i'm ok with this, because i've chosen to start living my life for me, and stop worrying about what other people are doing. yes, i miss her. yes, i
still want to be with her. and your damn sure that i still wanna make love to her - that was amazing. but i'm not going to continue to destroy myself
i gave up everything for this woman, and she didn't ask for it. i failed at school, lost friends, got arrested, hurt my family, and lost a lot of
self respect. my dignity vanished into thin air. i made her my life.
i decided tonight, on a short walkabout, that my life isn't her, it's me. that was a realization that i've never come to before - i always do that.
i always make my life revolve around others, and that's why i've been depressed since childhood. that's why i've never loved myself - i never had
the momentum to build something i was proud of. i've had a lot of fun, but i've accomplished very little.
my question is this - tomorrow, i'm going to wake up, and i don't know how i'm going to feel. this high isn't going to last, i know that much. how
do i keep myself focused on this so that i can actually accomplish this task of growing? it's a huge leap, and something everyone does in their life,
but i know that there will be times when i'm going to get upset about losing her so completely. it hurts, a lot - right now i'm just kind of
deflecting the blow, i think, even though i really do feel good about things right now.
so how about it? any suggestions as to a project i can jump into and start focusing my time on? i need to accomplish something before i can be proud