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Hello Everyone! For those who don't know me, my name's Chris, and Randy and I have been friends for a good number of years now...and Randy has courageously asked me to be the best man....
First, I'd like to thank Randy and Fran, whoops....excuse me....Mr. and Mrs. (last name censored), for their hospitality in having us all here today....as well as thank all of you for attending.
(look at them) Well, they actually went through with it! (Hand fellow groomsman a $5 bill) You know, as I look at the two of them today, I think back to what was said during the ceremony.... Marriage IS truly more than a word... It's a SENTENCE.... A LIFE sentence!
Fortunately for them however, I believe it will be a sentence of happiness. In all the time I've known Randy, I've never seen him happier than he is with Fran. He's a better man for loving her. This union is truly a win-win for both of them.... HE found someone who'll put up with him! And SHE found someone who'll wait up for her!
I truly believe that Randy has found his soulmate, and Fran hers.... It was kind of funny for me actually, when I first saw them together...for Randy has always been this kind of HOOAHH!!! (Flex) guy, but with Fran, he was like a big ole teddy bear.... I'd wish them luck on building their family, but it isn't needed. For they've already done so... They already share a happy home, and Fran has accepted Randy's daughter (name censored) as one of her own...and it already is...a household of love. I know, that together....they will continue to live in that love, and happiness.
I could describe Randy as being charming, intelligent, and entertaining.....and, if he hangs around with me long enough, perhaps one day he will be! But he is a great friend, and I couldn't ask for a better groom...
You know, one of the things about being the best man....is that you never get the chance to PROVE it....
That said, it leads into a bit of a problem. You see, as some of us know...Randy has had quite a few girlfriends before tying the knot here today... So, with him officially off the market...I'm sure he'd like to see his apartment keys returned... So, I'll ask that any of those former flames in the audience, who have such keys, please come up and return them now! (present basket)
Come on, don't be shy, we're all friends here....(wait for all ladies to do so)
(Pretend to count keys...) Hmm....I think we're still missing at least one.... C'mon now...who has it?
(a guy walks up and returns key)
Thank you all, and now they can get off to a fresh new start....
Seriously though...I'd like to wish Randy, and Fran, all the happiness in the world and a long life together...so with that, one last time, let's hear it for Mr. and Mrs. (last name censored)!
(applause, and I sit down)