Two fish are swimming upstream when they bump their heads into something.

One of the fish looks at the other and says, "Dam".

A young German girl is walking home one night through a dark alley. Ten American servicemen surround her, and it's clear what they intend to do. She starts screaming "Nein, nein, nein!"

So one of them leaves.



(Not my joke, I swear, I heard it from my Father in-law who is, by the way, the master of bad jokes. If I can I'll get him in here, he'll put us all to shame, no doubt. )

Q. Did you hear Mike Tyson's psychologist told Iron Mike to take a year off?








A. Yup, but Mike obviously misunderstood! It's a good thing the doctor didn't say take two years off!



[edit on 24/9/06 by Keyhole]

ok, so a duck walks into a store, approaches the guy behind the counter, and asks "hey, got any grapes?"

the guy says "nah, sorry, we don't carry grapes."

so the duck leaves.

the next day the duck comes back and asks the same guy "hey, got any grapes?"

the guy says "no, duck, i told you yesterday we don't sell grapes here."

so the duck leaves.

the following afternoon the duck walks back into the store and asks "hey, got any grapes?"

the guy is starting to get sick of this... he yells "NO! we didn't have any grapes yesterday, we don't have any grapes today, and if you come back tomorrow i'm going to nail your feet to the floor!"

so the duck leaves.

the next day it comes back into the store and asks "hey, got any nails?"

the guy scowls and says "no."

so the duck asks "good, got any grapes?"

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?




A stick.



How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?




Because they have big fingers

A duck walks into a bar one day at lunch time. He orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

After several days of the same lunch order the bartender says "Never had a duck eat lunch in here before." The duck replies, "Well get use to it. I'm working on the construction job across the street."

A few days later the circus comes to town and the ringmaster comes into the bar for lunch. The bartender tells him about the talking duck that drinks beer and eats sandwichs. Always looking for new acts, the ringmaster asks the bartender to send the duck down to the circus for a job.

The next day the duck comes in and the bartender tells him about the job offer. The duck looks surprised and asks "The circus is where animals do tricks inside a big tent right?" The bartender agrees. So the duck asks, "What the hell would they need with a drywaller?"

My friend Claudia thinks this joke of hers is a big hit


There are 2 flies on the wall, one's name is Again and the other's name is Again Again. Again Again flies off, who is left on the wall ?

And U say Again so she starts the joke over

ok here's another bad one:

a guy and his girlfriend are going for a ride down a long winding road, speeding really fast. they see a preacher on the side of the road holding a sign saying "The end is near."
they laugh at the preacher and speed up even more, and then a few seconds later they fly off a cliff crashing into the canyon below. the preacher sighs and says "why doesn't anyone ever pay attention to the sign?"

Mouthwash salesman
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is!" replied the salesman. "Now do you wanna buy some mouthwash?"

I got this one off Borat....


There is a chair with legs. And it is walking down the street. The chair is walking. La, la,lala....yes.


That is the best jok ever.

Whats brown and sticky

a stick

Whats yellow and spongey

a sponge

what brown sticky and spongey

you dont wanna know

how many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?









100, 1 to change it, the other 99 to share the experiance

[edit on 27-9-2006 by chris01621]

A guy decides to open a pub, he's thinking what to call it,
The queens head, nah its too common
the queens arms, nah dont like that
the queens legs, yeah i'll call my pub the queens legs



Two guys are waiting outside for the pub to open, a policeman comes along and asks what they are doing.

The two guys say "we're waiting for the queens legs to open so we can get a drink.

[edit on 27-9-2006 by chris01621]

why has a giraffe got a long neck ?







because his feet smell!

Two elephants walk off a cliff......... boom boom!

A man walks into a bar and says ouch.

Originally posted by Rasobasi420
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?




A stick.



How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.

Roflmao!

Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?

It doesn't need cleaning.

A hotdog walks into a bar

Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"


A guy walks into a bar

The next guy ducks

How many mosquitos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Two
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But no one knows how they got in there.