posted on Sep, 28 2006 @ 02:14 AM
That was also the first time my fantacies with children became sexual. At first, I thought it's just a phase, and it would go away if I just let the
fantacy play out in my mind. However, I quickly discovered that the more I allowed the fantacy to have free reign in my mind, the stronger the urges
became, and I realized I have a MAJOR problem. Later on, I will write about how I went about fighting my sexuality, but for now, all I want to add,
is my personal philosofy about sexual orientations. I believe you are born to have a capacity for sexual orientation, but I do not believe that it is
fixed from birth. The Idea is proposterous: how can a fetus be a p...??? I believe your orientation begins to form at a very young age, and it only
sexual once your sexuality forms in early puberty. I also believe that, although difficult, you CAN change your sexual orientation. I refuse to
believe that the mind which can fight cancer with the placebo effect, cannot change its sexual orientation. However, since it took almost 20 years for
your sexuality to form and develop, you shouldn't expect to be able to change it over night. It is only possible through patience and an iron will.
3. Feelings. I realised that the feelings guys describe when they're seeing a beautiful women, is exactly the same feelings I'm getting when seeing
a little boy. Everyday I think about children. I often dream about them. I used to have many sexual dreams about them, but I made a determined effort
to fight my orientation even in my dreams, and I have had positive results. I tend to avoid children, to the point that if they're in my way, I'd
rather wait for them, than to nudge them out of my way. Occationally, though circumstances put me in the company of a child, and those are moments
which I cherrish, even if we've only talked for a minute. I've read in a book that active p... who formed a long term relationship with children,
shows all the signs of being in love, and frankly, that is easy for me to imagine. P... often have a loving relationship with their victim and do all
kinds of things a normal person would do to treat their partner in a relationship. They are not only driven by physical lust, but also emotional
attraction. They worship the ground their victim walks on. It is not their intension to hurt or dominate the child, however, whether they like to
believe it or not, they are harming the child. If it was not for my strong principles, I would've been able to stongly assosiate with all of this,
but I love children. I love them enough to put their interests above my own selfish desires.
4. Hard to change. People say homosexuals can't change. They also say P... can't change. I can't afford myself the luxury to actually believe this
crap. Like I've already said, I believe it is hard to change, but anyone who is determined enough, can change.
5. What it is not. P... is nothing more than a sexual orientation. In every other way, I live a normal, well adjusted life. I can tell right from
wrong, I have a conscience - a very strong one, I might add - , I'm not a sexual predator or addict. Yes, rarely, in a moment of weakness, I would
indulge in a mental fantacy, but will always feel guilty afterwards and recommit myself not to do that again. But, because I'm so very strict with
myself, I know that I am in control, and a child would be save with me. Just like a heterosexual person can have a platonic relationship with a person
from the oposite sex, so too am I perfectly capable to control my sexuality in the company of children. Even so, I remain extremely paranoid that any
fondness of children might reveal my problem, and Ive build up an instictive avoidance of them.
From the above, I can see no reason why p..., from a purely psycological perspective, is not a sexual orientation like any other. The question I ask
myself is why people refuse to accept this, and I believe I have the awnser.
(...to be continued)