How Many Times to Apologize for Old Mistakes Before Giving Up?

Unfortunately it is true that once the dynamics of a relationship are set up, they are extremely difficult to change. So, basically if your partner uses a certain tool in the face of conflict (in this case the tool is throwing the past at you) then it is probably going to remain consistent and she will just continue to do it, whether or not it is warranted, whether or not it is effective.

I have been taking the blame for the same set of mistakes for roughly 6 years. About once every six weeks I am reminded that 6 years ago I embarassed her in front of a friend of mine, that I didn't put my mother in home, that another friend of mine ended up being a criminal. She also holds it against me that when we met 15 years ago, she asked me out instead of me asking her out.

I accept that this is the way that she deals with conflict. She has a limited number of tools in her toolbox, as we all do, and she uses whatever is handy. We have a good marriage and we love each other very much. I can deal with the fact that she is going to throw these four tired old monkey wrenches at me when she gets upset. I have let go of these four mistakes and I have forgiven myself for them, so it doesn't bother me when she brings them up.

In short, it isn't likely to change. It could go on from now on. If you aren't happy with it, you are going to have to make a very difficult decision. It sounds like in your case that there are more problems than just the rehashing of the past. I wish you the best.

Update

Well it has been a week and little has changed....

She still seems to want to make things difficult for me and make me chase her.... like every so often I will hear through the grapevine "Natalianna still loves you!" - but she still doesn't call or return my calls.... (that last fight was a pretty bad one!)

I really want us to start talking again and work on our friendship and trust issues, but it seems there's nothing much I can do until she decides to Contact me again....

So in the meantime I think I'll take a break from the drama and go drinking and dancing and see what there is to see....

I have a bit of an update as well, I learned something new that has made me reconsider my last post. I want to share it with you because you might not have thought of it either.

I said I didn't mind my spouse bringing up my past mistakes, but now I am seriously having a problem with it. My spouse has begun to throw our son's past mistakes at him as well. When it was confined to me, it was no big deal, but the boy should be off limits.

Here's what you might want think about: If you keep this person in your life who has this habit, the person can start using it to hurt others that you love. Your friends, your parents, your kids (if that applies or could apply in the future), your dog, and everyone else could become a victim of this behavior.

In hindsight, I can now see just how destructive it can become. It isn't something you should take lightly.

So I ran into my ex again.... this time she was upset because she heard I had hooked up with other women, and she tried to lay a huge guilt trip on me.... but I told her she had absolutely no claim to me because of the manner in which she cut me off and cast me away, and the fact that she won't even return my calls or emails.... I said "I know it only bothers you because it's proof positive that you can't get me under your control.... and you know that the only way for you to be with me again is to swallow your pride and apologize and cooperate with me!"

At that she just kind of flushed and went "OOOOH, you Jerk!" and stormed off.... but I could tell it got her thinking anyway! :p

I think if u have said sorry(+100000000) bought her rosses, and expressed your feeling to her, if she still does not forgive u, she is just wating attention.jk sorry, but i always forgive people when i know they really mean it. Did you really mean it??? She should firgive you1
peace

LOL I didn't know anybody was still reading this one....

I do still love her, but as it stands now she refuses to talk to me on the phone or online so I have to rely on chance encounters to even see her or speak to her.... so it's pretty much hopeless..... :bnghd: I'm left with little choice but to hit up nightclubs for casual sex.....

Originally posted by kinglizard
Sounds like a corrosive environment...one that will deteriorate with time if past mistakes are always used as ammunition. Doesn’t sound healthy friend...

I agree.
If you have sorted an issue from the past and said sorry, it isnt healthy for you to be constantly reminded of it. That is too much like emotional blackmail. You don't want to live in guilt. If it happened and it was sorted and you both moved on, then it is a dead issue.

Obviously the other person hasnt really forgiven/accepted it or wants to manipulate you with guilt. That is no good at all.

Originally posted by NJE777

I agree.
If you have sorted an issue from the past and said sorry, it isnt healthy for you to be constantly reminded of it. That is too much like emotional blackmail. You don't want to live in guilt. If it happened and it was sorted and you both moved on, then it is a dead issue.

Obviously the other person hasnt really forgiven/accepted it or wants to manipulate you with guilt. That is no good at all.

Yes, for her to attempt to manipulate me in these ways is quite sick.

I have requested many times to be able to talk on the phone or otherwise communicate in some kind of sane, normal way, but to no avail. So, she has left me with little choice but to pursue other women....