I may have missed it in earlier posts, but do you have any military service done? Any time in the reserves?
I attempted to join the Reserves in 2003, but due to scheduling conflicts (I was still attending school and they wanted me to drop out for basic
training) I backed out at the last minute. I was attending school on a scholarship and had a little over a month to complete, and the recruiting
office couldn't reschedule me. I always thought that was a poor management of resources on their part.
Another question, while in a military mind-set and going over different scenarios in your head, how does the thought of commiting harm affect you?
Does it give you uneasy feelings, nerves, faintness?
The majority of the time, it creates a bit of a moral conflict for me. I'm a peace loving person, but as the duration of these occurances increases,
I become more and more aggressive. I've acted out of character on a few occassions, when something has set me off, but I could never imagine killing
someone or inflicting harm except in self defense scenarios.
When in this state of mind, I am emotionless. It's extremely difficult to describe. I don't have any premeditated thoughts of committing harm, but
my response to some forms of external stimulus definitely puts me on the defensive. That's when the negative and hostile thoughts conincide with
violent acts - just in case the other person becomes aggressive of combative towards me.
There was an incident several years ago where I was rushed by an aquaintence - and I had him pinned on the ground in a headlock in a matter of
seconds. It was an instinctive reaction, and I was in my right state of mind at the time. I've never been trained in any form of self defnese that
I am aware of, yet it always seems to assert itself in situations where my safety is threatened. I've always written it off as instinctual
Last question, any lucid dreams and what was the most recent one?
The last one was this weekend, and I remember very little of it. My retention isn't the best on a lot of things, all I remember was waking up while
travelling in the car and hearing a voice tell me to "get back here and finish this"- there was also a mental image of a commanding officer of some
sort that briefly flashed in my mind in reference to the dream state. I have no recall of what was going on in the dream.
Something triggered me pretty hard this weekend while traveling, and the only way for me to escape it was to sleep through it. I kept hearing a line
of questioning that sounded remotely like curiousity seekers, and at one of the gas up points I ran into two people who looked me in the eye smiling
and the words "I'm in the cult." passed from them to me. I reacted with dispassionate interest and flatly threw back that I couldn't give a rats
ass and looked forward to the day I could place a bullet between their eyes.
The response was triggered automatically, and without any consideration or knowledge as to what "cult" they were refering to, or why they were
attempting to contact me and make themselves known. But if this is all a game of some kind, and I'm being victimized on the part of this groups
agenda, I would be more than happy to see them taken out of the Big Picture.
I know that's a horrible thing to say and think, but unless I find out firsthand why this is happening to me, and what constructive purpose it serves
(if any) I will continue to regard these thoughts invasive, unwelcome and annoying.
(*Note - they are of a radically different slant than the possible Military and Governmental prompting. I can't understand the reasoning behind
them, and they are never infused with any type of humor.)
I spoke with my mother today, and she asked if I had contacted my father recently. We have been looking for a psychologist who is willing to get
in-depth on this issue.