Help ATS with a contribution via PayPal:
learn more

Poetry by Lightseeker

page: 1
2

log in

join

posted on Aug, 28 2006 @ 11:25 AM
link   
Please, feel free to offer comments and critiques. I will be adding more poems from time to time. Thanks, LS




Breathe Deep



I stand and gaze on a blue
and sunlit sea the sand
warm beneath my feet the
breeze gentle as a
soft hand caressing my
face it’s fingers brushing
my hair lovingly as
father would a child
I breathe deep


The smell of salt and
spray calls to me it speaks
of mysteries - ancient
stories lost in it’s depths
the sound of wave and
foam on rock and beach
become the voice of the One
who spoke this ocean and
I into being


I know such peace as
cannot be known ‘til heaven
claims me the peace of
child reunited with Father
the comfort of eternal arms
enfolding uplifting me
exchanging strength for weakness
joy for pain




posted on Sep, 15 2006 @ 11:57 AM
link   
That was just mind blowing Lightseeker. I thought that was very inspiring. You are a very talented poet.

Wyyatt43



posted on Sep, 15 2006 @ 07:33 PM
link   
Remarkably nice flow, Lightseeker...you did say you welcomed critiques, so here goes...


I stand and gaze on a blue
and sunlit sea the sand
warm beneath my feet the
breeze gentle as a
soft hand caressing my
face it’s fingers brushing
my hair lovingly as
father would a child
I breathe deep


In the first verse, I was immediately struck by the way you constructed the line breaks. ie., from 'blue' to 'and', 'the' to 'breeze', etc. This gave the verse a beat.

Also, the words fit nicely together, and 'flow' from the tongue. ie., 'stand and gaze on a blue'. If you say it aloud, you'll see what I mean. Some words fit well together, such as 'salty spray' or 'windshield washers slapping time', while others, such as 'crunchy halves' or 'racing for instant' don't. It has to do with the tongue needing to rearrange itself in the latter, while the former needs little tongue movement. I believe it's the reason why some love 'tongue twisters'. I believe you already have come to understand why flow is important.


The smell of salt and
spray calls to me it speaks
of mysteries - ancient
stories lost in it’s depths
the sound of wave and
foam on rock and beach
become the voice of the One
who spoke this ocean and
I into being


I felt that the second line; 'spray calls to me it speaks" needed a break of sorts, whether a comma or line break doesn't matter, really, since the 'flow is still unbroken. I would have used the singular 'mystery', rather than the plural, even though you mention 'ancient stories'...but that is a personal affliction of mine.
I especially enjoyed 'the sound of wave {singular (as in 'mystery')} and foam (s) on rock(s) and beach(s)'


I know such peace as
cannot be known ‘til heaven
claims me the peace of
child reunited with Father
the comfort of eternal arms
enfolding uplifting me
exchanging strength for weakness
joy for pain


I found this the most difficult verse. It begins with a puzzle for me...if you 'know such peace' and afterwards say 'as cannot be known', I'm immediately tossed on stormy seas. I understand what you are conveying, though, it comes across very clearly.
Perhaps, if you said 'I shall know such peace', the difficulty passes away immediately.

All in all, an excellent bit of work.




posted on Sep, 16 2006 @ 08:45 PM
link   
[edit on 9/17/2006 by Stormrider]



posted on Nov, 16 2006 @ 10:38 PM
link   
The initial image sets the tone for the work - it is an invitation for the reader to join the narrator in sensory and emotional calm.

The following stanza explores existential experience as a singular and unique entity. I think this part was well written. The two sensory descriptions (down from five or so in the first stanza) are sharp and they contrast and complement the philosophical declarations very well.

The final portion describes a clearly heartfelt experience, but I think it just isn't impactful.
During the second stanza, which features two sharp and concise sensory experiences, following the first stanza's five, the reader becomes familiar with a pattern. The reader expects one final sensory link, but there are none in this portion of the work.

I liked this work.



posted on Feb, 18 2007 @ 06:36 PM
link   
I think you bring a uniqueness to normal style of poems with your breaks and pauses. They are short and sweet, like a quick moment in your life.
They kind of remind me of what they say might happen as you day and flashes of you life happen.



posted on May, 16 2007 @ 05:01 PM
link   
Thank you to all of you who have posted your kind and insightful critiques and reviews of my poem.

I have been away for quite awhile due to personal illness and family business but am back now ready to become involved once again in the community of ATS. I hope to be posting a few new poems in the next few days and weeks and I hope that you enjoy them as much as the first.

Blessings on you all,

LS



posted on May, 22 2007 @ 03:49 AM
link   
Great poem. The imagery presented in your poem made me feel like I was experiencing everything written myself. How long have you been writing poetry if I may ask?



posted on May, 22 2007 @ 07:30 AM
link   

Originally posted by CPYKOmega
Great poem. The imagery presented in your poem made me feel like I was experiencing everything written myself. How long have you been writing poetry if I may ask?


Thanks for the kind words; I have been writing poetry for about 30 years total but only the laat 10 as a serious pursuit.






top topics



 
2

log in

join