I got Jokes n' jokes n' jokes...........

Some friends and I love to trade jokes via email. This thread is to share my favorites feel free to add. I know what you're asking, WHY? well that's a perfect segway into the first in this thread.

WHY?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......


The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off with an orgasm.

In recent years part of Air Canada's settlement with its unions was the hiring of handicapped people.
One day after that settlement, passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for their flight to leave. The door opened and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a guide dog, and the other was tapping the aisle seats with a white cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin; but the men entered the cockpit, the door closed, and the engines started up. The passengers began glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke. None was forthcoming.
The plane moved faster down the runway, and people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport perimeter. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off, but instead would plunge into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was indeed in good hands. Then over the PA system they heard the copilot say to the pilot, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die!"

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.



On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.



In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.



Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.



What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?







Answer below







Answer:



Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

One day when Jesus and Moses were out playing golf, They decided to
have a contest to see who could make the most outstanding shot.
After a short debate, Moses decided to go first.
He settled up for the shot and hammered it straight for the green.
Unfortunately, the ball fell into a water hazard.
Undaunted, Moses raised his arms to the sky, and the water parted.
The ball rolled out of the water and ended up only a foot away from its goal.

Jesus looked at moses, and said "Hey Moses that was a pretty good shot,"
Now let me see what I can do.
So Jesus settled up for his shot and sent the ball screaming toward
the green.
Unfortunately, Jesus had the same luck that Moses had. The ball headed
straight for the water hazard.
Jesus held out one hand. and instead of dropping into the water, the ball
bounced on top the water and rolled up on the green, only three inches
from the cup.

Moses said, "Wow, that was an incredible shot."
No sooner had Moses said this, when the skies grew dark and the
wind started to pick up. Lighting and thunder crackled through the sky.
Suddenly, a ball fell from the sky into the same water hazard where
Jesus and Moses had hit their balls.
Just as quickly, A fish came by and swallowed the ball.
An eagle flying overhead swooped down, grabbed the fish with his talons, and
headed for the now darkened sky.
Just as the eagle was about to leave, lightning struck the eagle and he dropped
the fish onto the green. The fish opened his mouth; The ball rolled out and
dropped into the hole.

Then Moses turned to Jesus and said , "Man I hate it when your dad
plays."

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning John got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new
bathroom scale.

>>Funeral services for John have been scheduled for Friday.

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette Convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.


"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.


"I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.


Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."


The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, sir," said the Trooper.

FACTS TO PONDER:


(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million..)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is

.000188

Statistics courtesy of the FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,

We have withheld the statistics on lawyers

for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

Two hillbillies, Ed and Red, walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a
woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head
no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a
lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the
bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
>
> Law of Mechanical Repair:
> After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch
> or you'll have to pee.
>
> Law of the Workshop:
> Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
>
> Law of Probability:
> The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
> of your act.
>
> Law of the Telephone:
> If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
>
> Law of the Alibi:
> If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
> the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
>
> Variation Law:
> If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to
> move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
>
> Law of the Bath:
> When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
>
> Law of Close Encounters:
> The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
> someone you don't want to be seen with
>
> Law of the Result:
> When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
>
> Law of Biomechanics:
> The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
>
> Law of the Theatre:
> At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
> last.
>
> Law of Coffee:
> As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
> do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
>
> Murphy's Law of Lockers:
> If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
> lockers.
>
> Law of Rugs/Carpets:
> The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
> covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
> carpet/rug.
>
> Law of Location:
> No matter where you go, there you are.
>
> Law of Logical Argument:
> Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
>
> Brown's Law:
> If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
>
> Oliver's Law:
> A closed mouth gathers no feet.
>
> Wilson's Law:
> As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Iowa, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Indiana. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Rhode Island. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Laughter is the best medicine.... I'm feelin good today!

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida
forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for
the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now, and it's nice
to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness
to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she
was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a
lot of pieces. It was awful, and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for giving me that opportunity.
Sincerely, Edna Walters

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?".
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooo much cheaper.
So I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she!"



sounds fair to me!

ok, here's a blonde joke!
:shk:



A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulls her over and walks up to the car.
The police officer, also happened to be a blonde and she asks for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searches frantically in her purse for a while and finally says to the blonde policewoman,
"What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde police officer say's,
"You dummy, it has your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searches her purse again and finds a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She holds it up to her face and say's,
"Aha!
This must be my driver's license",
and hands it over to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looks in the mirror,
hands it back to the driver and say's,
"You're free to go.
And,
if I had known you were a police officer too,
we could have avoided all of this."

helen
(keep in mind, I have no disrespect for blondes,whatsoever)

Salesman



A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "Everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."



Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."



His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"



The kid says "One".



The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"



The kid says "$101,237.65".



The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"



The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod, a tackle box, and fishing line. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft, and told him if he didn't want to get lost, he better buy the latest navigational equipment too. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Lincoln Navigator."



The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a BOAT, a TRUCK, and all the rest?"



The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

The husband had just finished reading a new book
entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House". He
stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to
his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly;

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man
of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me
a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner
you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the
kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me
my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet
and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to
dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied,
"The funeral director would be my guess."

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in your fridge.
4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 10.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down their stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, instead of condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer, "pretty good sh..."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out a friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, "Oh # what the hell happened?"

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.





#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ... You're right, we don't. .... Sign here.

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk

* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
* Cinnamon


Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:



* Specificity
* British Constitution
* Passive-aggressive disorder
* Transubstantiate


Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

* Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
* Nope, no more booze for me
* Sorry, but you're not really my type
* No kebob for me, thank you
* Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
* I'm not interested in fighting you.
* Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
* No, I won't make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero co-ordination.
* Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash machine or shop front.