Man I feel terrible(con.), page
Pages:
ATS Members have flagged this thread 0 times


reply posted on 10-8-2006 @ 08:03 PM by nastalgik
The sun slowly fell into oblivion, night coming closer and closer. A road lay in front of him, trees in a ordered straight pattern on both sides, going on forever. Shadows leaked across the road, leaves rustling in the warm, welcoming air. Thoughts started to pass, remembering the pain and anguish. Even though it had already dissipated, it left scars in his heart. Love, and Hope bleeding through his tissue, out his body onto the warm street. It felt as if everything he had ever loved, lay on the street behind him, ever forgotten.

Feelings of insanity overtook him, wringing optimism from him until his sanity was gone. The whole culmination of his life's work seemed dead and useless. All he knew is that whatever lay beyond this road was not good. It wouldnt matter to him, he is already dead inside. The pain continued to plague him as he mushed his way through the endless sea of sludge that was his pain. Vague images became clearer every minute, revealing the story, reminding him of what he had lost. The only person he had ever loved, ever cared for stood in front of him, yet he could reach her. He would move closer and closer, but to no end it continued.

He remembered the people, the ones who showed no respect for anyone, never did anything or cared. He always tried, he was always nice and sincere. It didnt help him in the end. His whole life he had been told it always ended with the old good defeats evil. Pathetic bull# lie. All that exist is pain and sorrow in this world. The heroes are all dead, they had wasted there existence. Whether it was the church, muslims, or anyone else who thought there was a better place, He finnaly figured out that there wasnt one. When he died, there was no happy ending. He was stuck on this wretched earth. Forced to see everything he had loved, die and scream in horrid pain before his eyes. They reached out to him, trying to recieve help. His parents being devoured, his love being killed slowly, but she didnt die. She kept screaming and questioning him admist her pain.

Thinking about it didnt matter, all that was left was dead. His emotions were gone. He could cry, the only thing he could feel was the death. Finnaly he reached his destination. Towers of black stones and bricks overlooked him. A menacing gate opened. It was his first day of school.


reply posted on 11-8-2006 @ 01:11 AM by Diseria
hrm.. knowing what the ending is, I've a few more questions.

Assuming that he is not the one driving, can you give us a sight of him? (looking out the window, maybe he sees his reflection? Is he doing anything with his hands -- nervous ticks? How's he dressed -- is he aware or nervous about that?)

'She' being summer vacation -- again, is there anything physical that can relate the idea of freedom/summer/playfulness? someone running, laughing, some activity that he can (maybe?) see someone doing that would trigger the idea of what 'she' represents?

I know that this is a free write.. aren't they all in some form or fashion? The one thing that I find myself thinking is 'slow down and *see* the scene'.. The drive is long, full of thought.. and also terribly short, because when he arrives at skool, the real terror begins.

You don't necessarily have to put an age on him... it's not necessary to the story. But, give us readers some images to see that would cement the ideas you're trying to describe.. (Think of it as a movie.. what would you, the director, put on the screen to show what emotions he's feeling?)


Sorry if this is too much.. I'm used to asking questions of people's stories to key them in on what me, one lone reader, wants to know from the story that may or may not be there.. may or may not apply, depending on what the overall goal of the story is. (And sometimes there isn't.. or isn't right now.. I know. But, I throw my two pennies in the bucket anyhow. )
Pages:     ^^TOP^^