Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up.
The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the
floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun
with this thing.
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he
kicked me, then he punched me again.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake
cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child
look like a dear.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher."
"No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back
and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I
am a coward.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant
teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we
all be brothers?
Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the
greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But
then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the
patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "I did," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth
you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things
never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write
in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how
I named him Flint.
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization
out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so
confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car
and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and
bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.