How to be a conspiracy theorist

There's something about conspiracy theorists. They're in on something you can't quite see or understand. Why is he always wearing that hat, and why does it look like it belongs there even though it looks incredibly tacky? Is their foil underneath it? How come he's always got a 5 o'clock shadow? He's not clean shaven in the morning, yet he never grows a beard. Is it possible he's just buzzing it every morning, or is did it stop growing after his abduction?

Even if he happens to be a loser, he's cool. He may end up living in someone else's basement, but only to stay off the grid.

You see Mel Gibson play one in "Conspiracy Theory", and pretty soon you're looking for them in public. Finally you can't resist... you've got to be a conspiracy theorist.

Look, this game isn't for everyone. We can't all be ex CIA agents, escaped mind control test subjects, alien abductees, or loose cannon FBI agents. You may have to ask yourself if you're really up to it. If the answer's yes though, here are a few basic rules to help you get started.


Number 1: Conspiracy theorists are very secretive, except for the fact that they talk to everyone. Learn a few theories inside and out, practice speaking about them till you can do so with authority, then make that entire effort a waste by only alluding to the Truth and being shakey and untrusting while doing so. You should discuss a conspiracy with someone you've just met at least once a month. Public places are best, but the internet will do.

1B: A great way to start conversations about conspiracy theory with people you don't know very well is to go to any place where you can order water, then freak out about it being tap water. Start with fluoride and move on to MK Ultra, JFK, Orgone, Concentration Camps, etc etc etc. You really should get at least 3 conspiracy theories into one conversation. Focusing is what they want you to do- always look at, and talk about, the big picture.

2. Never use one person's name when a plural pronoun is available. Last week, the president... no no... last week THEY signed _____ into law.

3. If you can prove it, it's not a conspiracy theory; good leads are usually thin. Afterall, these aren't amateurs we're keeping tabs on. Being in the same career field is a weak link. Being in the same career field in the same state or foreign country is a solid one. Being within 2 degree of separation linked by any presidential administration is good enough for any grand jury.

4. The devil is in the details; have a passion for the mundane. Lee Harvey Oswald buying a coke is one of the biggest leads we have in the JFK case.

5. Sometimes you will fall in love with two mutually exclusive theories. Use the word disinfo as much as possible, and you can talk about both without anyone figuring out which one you actually support.

6. Make plans, and talk about them with those you trust. You've got to prove to your friends that you believe in this stuff. You can't talk about using flu as a vector for a massive active eugenics program through genetic engineering if you haven't been storing up flu vaccines to protect yourself; you lose credibility.

7. Above all, don't forget why people become conspiracy theorists in the first place. This is your ticket into something way bigger than yourself. If you ever are presented with the chance to get arrested or otherwise run afowl of any authority, it's really your duty as a conspiracy theorist to take it.