posted on Jun, 10 2006 @ 11:01 AM
OK choosers - if it's a choice, then give me my little blue pill - I WANT to be straight - I prayed for that for years! I would love to know what
it's like to see some big old jiggly breasts and be at least .01% interested in them - I really want to know what it feels like to see an attractive
lady and get that tingling feeling in my pants, feel my heart flutter and face flush when I see a female that is deemed 'sexy' by society - But that
has yet to happen. . . EVER!
Who wouldn't want to fit in? feel accepted by most people around them? Not have to pray to god to take these feeling away or go on and let them
die? Not cry themselves to sleep for 7 years straight because they didn't want this "thing" inside them, not flunk out of college becuase they
never slept, felt so nervous around all those new people - wondering "who thinks I'm a fag?" - "If someone suspects it, will they be OK with it,
or will I get the sh*t beaten out of me?" - "who can I tell, where can I go? will campus security help me out if I ever need it, or will they just
join in on a good old fashioned fag-stomping?"
So - I never came out - never told ANYONE - went to a psychologist for depression but couldn't even bring myslef to tell them about my
"attractions" because I felt I would instantly be judged "defective"- I was afraid if I EVER told anyone, it would get back to my parents or
friends and I would be rejected by all - So when asked, I claimed to be Asexual, not interested in either sex, never 'horny' - the whole time
knowing I'd go down on a good-looking guy or let him do whatever he wanted to me because I was craving another guy so bad - NOT ONCE DID I LEAN
TOWARDS THE LADIES - I wasn't mad at girls for not being attracted to me, because I would have just turned them away if any ever hit on me. To me, a
female looks like a guy that was in a horrible accident, and they just couldn't 'sew it back on', so they left it off and put two globs of fat on
their chest for some weird reason.
Even during my teenage years, going through puberty - I ALWAY knew I was drawn to the male form, their smell, their muscles, their scruffy faces with
5 o'clock shadow, deep vioces, - I grew up FAT too- and UGLY, but never did I feel like I was attracted to/wanted to be with, but was rejected by
the ladies - I also never persued any guys because I didn't know any other gay ones - I didn't even know what "gay" was - I went to school with
farmers, rednecks, potheads, muscleheads, sports-nuts and religious fanantics - I knew there were guys that acted like ladies, and vice versa, but I
had no idea that a 'guy' could be attracted to another 'guy' and that there were people doing just that in big cities and even down the road in my
little town because they had to hide like mole-people.
I felt I WOULD have been rejected by the guys had I decided to 'try something', because I felt that NO OTHER guys would do that, no other guys were
interested in other guys 'parts', but I was - GOD I WAS!!!!- I had dreams about guys, no ladies were ever in 'em - I was jealous of the girls that
had boyfiends because I wanted to be that close to another guy, but even though I'd never heard of 'gays' and 'fags' or 'bashings' I still had
this feeling in my gut that if I EVER acted on my feelings, I would surely become and outcast, maybe even have the living crap beat out of me - there
was no talk of homo's back then, I didn't even know what Faggot meant untill I was in 11th/12th grade, I knew it meant something like 'sissy' or
'wussy', but I didn't know that 2 men 'getting it on' was even an option or had ever happened in the history of mankind. I felt so alone and
like I was THE ONLY ONE that felt like that.
From all that stress - I went bald at 20 - hospitalized for depression by 23 - hospitalized for stress at 26 and had to have 3 feet of intestine
removed because they had basically eaten themselves from the inside out -
Does ANY of that sound like a choice to anyone in here?