Don't understand, need help/advice

First off i work nights so I'll be posting this and won't be back on till around 8 EST.

I came to Virginia from Texas about a year and a half ago and met one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. We hit it off great, messed around and became really close. Now granted her previous year has been real rough with two deaths of people she cares about, so we agreed to take it slow (offical relationship wise) and just be friends with benefits type situation. We continued to be close and at the end of last year I came to a point where I had to decide if I would go back to Texas or take a job in Virginia to stay with her. We discussed things and I decided to stay in Virginia. 2 months later she broke it to me that she didn't want to be physicall anymore and just wanted to be friends. Needless to say this crushed me and since then I've been on the verge of losing my mind and have constantly been questioning my decision to leave my friends and family in Texas. To the best of my knowledge I'm not an a-hole, in women normally tell me I am a nice sweet guy.

This woman has honestly destroyed my trust in females, and has me wondering if maybe being a nice guy just isn't worth it these days. I don't mean this as a generalization, but why do women do things like this? They say they want a nice sweet guy but when they meet one, at least in my case, who is willing to anything for them they treat them like crap. I'm really in a low point of my life and the only way I can cope is with :w:

I could really use some advice or something, but I don't want this to turn into a bash women or men thread because thats not the situation. I could never say a derogatory thing about this woman, although when I ask her about the situation all I get is a series personal attacks.

As I said I'll be back at approx. 8 EST to answer any question and really get into the conversation. As for now I must sleep for work tonight.

What reason did she give you for wanting to drop the sexual part of the relationship? Is she seeing someone else or just wanting to make sure that the relationship isn't intensifying, or something else?

Why did you really stay there near her? Did you just stay for the sex or just for her friendship? Did you believe that your relationship with her would grow beyond the 'friends with benefits' stage?

I know these things can be trying. Give us some more info and let's see what we come up with.

Originally posted by XTexan To the best of my knowledge I'm not an a-hole, in women normally tell me I am a nice sweet guy.

Dude, therein lies your problem- NEVER be "the nice guy".

As a women, trust me when I say that this happens to us women with men as well.

Don't let this one bad incident taint your view on relationships, it will only wreck any other relationship you have in the future. Also don't stop being yourself, if you have to change the way you act and the things you do completly just to keep a women, then she isn't worth it. Also I believe that most of us have to go through a lot of failed relationships before we find "the one" and this isn't neccesarily a bad thing. With every experience I feel we learn a lot about what we like and don't like in perspective mates.

Just let this one pass and don't give up on the game. You'll be fine.

First off sorry it took so long to get back on, I just now got my internet access back up and running at work.

Originally posted by wellwhatnow
What reason did she give you for wanting to drop the sexual part of the relationship? Is she seeing someone else or just wanting to make sure that the relationship isn't intensifying, or something else?

Why did you really stay there near her? Did you just stay for the sex or just for her friendship? Did you believe that your relationship with her would grow beyond the 'friends with benefits' stage?

Well she told me she just didn't want to go down that road right now, although thats all I can get out of her. She is also one of my best friends and when I question her on this she threatens to end that friendship. She is not seeing anyone else though, in fact she spends 90% of her time with me. I stayed because I really hoped/wanted to make this a serious long term relationship.

I am trying to not let this affect my personality but its hard. Sometimes I just feel like running through the street naked and screaming, but the thought of going to jail naked is not a fun one

Originally posted by MajesticJax
Dude, therein lies your problem- NEVER be "the nice guy".

Heard it all my life, just now starting to catch on.
:shk:

[edit on 21-5-2006 by XTexan]

[edit on 21-5-2006 by XTexan]

Something similar happened to me but she was a friend with benefits girl she told me and i assume it might be the same with the girl u r refering to. She let me know that she couldnt continue the benefits part cuz it started to make her feel slutty she liked me but i wasnt into the relationship part so i agreed with her on the part of ending it. That girl u r talking about probably just feels that she cant be just a lay anymore she might want to keep her dignity.

Originally posted by MajesticJax
Dude, therein lies your problem- NEVER be "the nice guy".

I have to disagree with that one. While no one should let themselves be walked on, there is nothing wrong with being nice. What goes around comes around - so keep being nice.

As for the main issue I just want to make sure I have got this right -

1 - She said she only wanted friendship
2 - And would have sex with you
3 - Now she still wants to be friends
4 - But says no more sex

Does this sum up the main problem?

Been married 17 year's dude. Withholding sex is an absolute Red Flag, it's only gonna get worse. Bail while the bailin's good. There are plenty o' hot women in Texas I'm sure.


Or, let her keep workin' ya for the 'friend' half of the deal.

Yes wellwhatnow that pretty much sums it up. You know its nice to be nice and respectful to women, but time and time again I find myself being walked on. Now don't get the wrong idea, I don't let myself get taken advantage of or anything like that. I'm just not an a-hole about it.

And what more, she sits in front of me and talks about how she want booty on the side, and I'm sitting there like "hey what about me!"

Its so freaking frustrating, I can't just end it for multiple reasons. First off she's basically the key to my circle of friends up here so if I end her then I'm SOL and have to start from square one. On top of that we have tickets to Vegas which I bought and I'm not willing to sacrifice my vacation over this.



edit to rant a little

[edit on 21-5-2006 by XTexan]

I was a friends with benefits girl. It wasn't a huge deal...the relationship progressed and then stalled and I left.

This girl sounds like she wants to have it all. The best friend, the intimacy, the companionship BUT without the sex. If it's not working for you...you have to take the lead and start thinking about what's best for you.

You're not a couple anymore, thus you no longer have to consider her happiness in the things you do that make you happy. And for the record, her sitting there talking about her sex life after you, knowing how you feel, is just plain insensitive and I would advise you to make a stand. If she appreciates your friendship, she'll listen. If not then you really need to go your seperate ways.

It's a shame you left so much behind. You can always go back, or start off fresh where you are. Sounds like the lesser of two evils but you sound like a decent guy with a good sense of himself, so you shouldn't have any problems starting over.

And as much as it seems like women want an a-hole or a "bad boy" for a BF...it's not at all true for the majority of women. Good guys do win...it just takes a little longer, but in the end you'll find a great lady who will appreciate you as you deserve.

Sit this girl down and give it to her straight. Tell her exactly how you feel about things, and what you'd like to see as far as boundaries for the friendship. Express your interest in maintaining the friendship, but let her know you want it balanced and need some respect (ie: don't launt her sexual escapades in front of you)... if she puts you off on any of the points you make that are important to you...let it end.

Don't drink yourself into oblivion LMAO...you'll only attract the wrong kind of girl and that you do not need.

Her happiness isn't your concern - it's hers - she controls it. You take of yourself because really, you sound like you have a lot going for you and you deserve better!

Good luck!

justgeneric,

Thanks for your words, as a matter of fact thanks to all of ya'll who have taken time to post replies here. You've all made a lot of sense and have given me some things to really sit back and reflect on. I'm still confused but to the best of knowledge all men will always be confused with the mysteries of the female mind. Oh and just for the record she doesn't flaunt her escapades in front of me, in fact to the best of my knowledge I'm the only one she's been with in the last 6 months. Although... I have been known to be wrong before.

Thanks again to everyone,

The XTexan


Oh and I'll try not to drink myself into oblivion, it can be fun at times though!

Its Okay to be desensatized and angry right now. Its normal and part of the healing but it wont last forever. If it didn't work out the way you wanted it to then what did you loose? nothing, and it wasnt ment to be so congrats!!! your free from sonething that was not really you!!! Happy times bro....give yourself some time, and remember, its very important to keep busy and if you want a little piece of advice...dont ever get back together with her even if she has a change of heart in the future. She is now considered unpredictible and unreliable. Dude, its not so bad, as a matter of fact, this sort of thing builds character and IS a right of passage.


Hang in there and go have a beer!
Today is a good day.

Well first of all drinking is not the answer. Alcohol is a depressant and will make you feel worse in the long run.

Also this is why people shouldn't sleep together just because they can. A relationship needs to be built and a committment made from both parties.

People want to be loved(I'm not talking sex here). People want to know that someone cares about them. When you have sex you are giving an emotional part of youself away. Without a committment from both parties emotional damage will occur. And each different sex partner that someone has worsens the problem.

Let's say that you and this girl would continue on as before. Having sex outside of marriage and growing closer(or so it appears) in other ways. And 3 or 4 years becomes invested in the relationship. You depend on her and enjoy time together. Then you are involved in some sort of accident that prevents you from ever having sex again. If your relationship is built on sex, she's gonna leave. That's gonna be devastating to you. Wouldn't you rather have a relationship built on love. Love that can see and live beyond sex and care about you, and desire to be with you no matter what? And if that's what you want then that's what you need to be williong to give to others.

[edit on 22-5-2006 by dbrandt]

[edit on 22-5-2006 by dbrandt]

This guy doesnt want that kind of advice, infact thats not even advice he can use. He wants a boost and a solution, neither of which you offer?!?

~Oh you should have done this and you could have done that but you did neither and dont you think things would be better if you handeled it this way...BLA BLA BLA~


Ignore that Bro. Call the boys, go shoot some stick, have a few cold ones and have a laugh. Dont NOT go out and sit at home and punish yourself and over analyze something that offers you no solution or some comfort.


Follow my advice Bro. Im not gonna have you beating yourself up thinking about the what ifs this and the what ifs that....You dont have time for that and its not at all constructive. Healing is a proactive thing so get busy!! get on that phone, make plans and go have some fun tonight.


TRUST ME

Originally posted by Census
Follow my advice Bro. Im not gonna have you beating yourself up thinking about the what ifs this and the what ifs that....You dont have time for that and its not at all constructive. Healing is a proactive thing so get busy!! get on that phone, make plans and go have some fun tonight.

Let's see don't try to become a better person and treat others well. Don't try to muse(think and ponder) about these things that are upsetting you and maybe ensure this never happens again. Go out and be amused(not think).

Maybe you are right. I changed my mind. Yah...........go out and get plowed. Drink up a storm. Hey and I bet you could find a chick and get laid tonight. And this girl has been with 42 other guys. Man they have taught her alot. You are in for one sweet time tonight. Don't even dwell on the fact that she could have AIDS or some venereal disease. Just go for it and don't worry unless something starts to get itchy or you start to get alot of colds and lose weight. Yah that makes alot of sense. Excellent advice..........................not

[edit on 22-5-2006 by dbrandt]

Your a complete idiot bro if you advocate this guy getting chromed and beddin down with an aids ladin whore.

I have this feeling that you are under the impression that I said he should get wasted and whore around...Perhaps you should have coffee and re-read this thread. Show me.

And what your doing now is trying to goad me into a pissing contest lol.
Listen drama queen, XTexan is looking for a boost and I dont think he needs you or anyone else to tell him how to think.

All you have done is detracted from XTexans thread and you still offer him nothing but He'll be the judge of that.

Tex, again, hang in there bud....and DONT sit at home and bellyache and whine and think about how you went wrong like some would have you do..
Get out, shoot some stick with the boys and have some beer.

Dont forget to follow dbrandt's stellar advice and stay away from a girl that has been with 42 men and has aids cause ahhh you'll get lots of colds and loose weight.



Tonight, you do this

Dont be a pussy! YOUR FROM TEXAS MAN. Dont be like the other fella who would rather sit at home, have a good cry and blame himself.


Parlance.

Awesome advice.

For the short term.

I think XTexan may have - I dunno - really been kinda serious about this girl?

A night out with the boys is definitely a call to order, however it won't change the situation one lick Sad but true.

Seeing as XTexan has some feelings...I doubt tying one in in good ole Texan style will do much more than drown out some of what's eating him.

I definitely am glad she hasn't been a 'flauntin her escapades! It's nice that you still defend her (she perhaps has no idea how lucky she was me thinks) and it's a testament to how you felt/feel about her. You should be proud that your NOT a jerk who can cure a broken heart with heavy drinking and pool OR with vermin women

Again, make sure whatever you do - you do for your own happiness and no one elses.

Cheers!

Well I agree with a little of what dbrandt said and most of what census said.

I agree with dbrandt, or possibly both of you, on that I should not be sitting at the house getting trashed feeling sorry for myself. I disagree with dbrandt that a friends with benefits relationship always leads to bad things emotionally. I have had plenty of those types of situations that turned out fine with no emotional damage. Granted this instance is on a different level those previous "flings".

i whole heartedly agree that I need to get out with my friends away from her and have a good time without her on my mind. Also some that have posted are under the impression that I am still in Texas, which I am not.

I agree on one big thing you said census, I am from Texas and I need to be a man about this.

Remember the Alamo!!!!

justgeneric:

You know I defend her because even though I am hurting right now I would like to keep her as a friend. Besides I'm not the type of person that holds grudges, and outside of my feelings for her we are best friends and help each other out in a lot of ways.

Besides I've never been the one night stand kind of guy, drinking yes but not alone that always leads to more problems than it solves.

I never meant to become as seriously interested in her as I did, but she grew on me. I grew to respect her and I actually enjoy being around her, even without the sex, which is more than I can say that almost any friend I've ever had. And regardless of the situation when its just me and her we get along great and are very comfortable together.

Oh and as far as dirty women go, I've never been a one night stand kinda guy, I don't like gambling with my health

cheers to those that are posting!

edited to respond to justgeneric

[edit on 22-5-2006 by XTexan]

[edit on 22-5-2006 by XTexan]