Pig shooting :)

Pig shooting

A Northern Territory farm hands radio back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my Ute and is wriggling & squealing so much I cannot get him out".

The manager says "OK there's a 303 behind the seat,
take it out and shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said boss.

Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager.

"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch.....................You there boss?"

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The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree? smoking a joint when a little lizard walks
past and looks up and says? "Hey Koala !? what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a
few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get
a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into
the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to
the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest,
finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up
and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

?"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

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A woman went to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of herhusband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now.
That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

oh this one is funny...



Inspiring story

Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a
strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white
robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in
my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and
I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"