A couple of jokes from my mates

American Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, 'Please, M'am, may I sit in that seat?'

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, 'You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?'

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, 'Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired.'

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, 'You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!'

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, opened the window and tossed it out. He then sat in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, 'You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'


Bee sting

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line, the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, 'Those hives are pretty close to the road'.

The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price.

The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree. The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. 'Oh no!' the farmer thought, 'he's got stung and now I'll have to give him the farm for nothing!'

As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

'No I'm okay' gasped the man. 'I'll pay you double for the farm, but doesn't that damn calf have a mother?'