Suicide and Cocoa Pebbles

It's the worst month of my life.

First, my best friend is whisked away one night to somewhere totally unknown. I later learned it was a boarding school in New Jersey (I'm in Idaho, and ironically last night). That kicked off this bout of depression.

Valentine's came along and without him, I was pushed evvvven further into sadness.

Then comes last night when yelled at by my family that I am a selfish asshole who doesn't deserve love. THEN my mother tells me she has a deadly form of cancer.

At that point, I considered ending it all...but I knew I had to be there for my mother, and doing so would end her as well.

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This morning I went in for psychiatric evaluation (by a physician actually, so not really a psychiatric evaluation). She has a hint that I'm extremely bipolar, but will not make any conclusions until I do a few weeks of logging my moods.

She did put me on Lexapro. I took the first one an hour later.

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So I go to school and the placebo effect has already started. I had enormous energy and I don't think I stopped talking for hours. But then the last period comes...

I'm the design editor for the newspaper. Last week was the article deadline, but nobody did them. So I became the asshole. Still...few people did them. I have to figure out what I can fill 2 pages of emptiness with what we have, which is nothing. BY TOMORROW.

I'm usually the calm, helpful guy, but today I exploded. As I designed my paper, I wasn't afraid to let people know I was horribly frustrated, especially with my...colorful words. Thank god the people like me and tend to understand my frustration, otherwise there probably would have been a huge fight in the journalism room. And with my rage...there would have been blood.

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Since my mom told me the news about her cancer, my sense of self has totally been revolutionized. It's as if there's a totally different person living inside me. Not like schizophrenic or anything, just like my consciousness has changed overnight. I no longer have any anxiety to talk to new people (I didn't have any before either, it's just a different sense...kind of like I can say anything and I don't care at all what they think). I feel like...I don't know...a more strong and justified person. It's odd and hard to put into words...

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Jeez...that really had no point.

my sense of self has totally been revolutionized. It's as if there's a totally different person living inside me. Not like schizophrenic or anything, just like my consciousness has changed overnight.

Would this perhaps not be a manic portion of the bipolar disorder? bipolar disorders are chemical imbalances in which the brain chemistry, the portions that are strong controls and influences on mood and outlook, are out of whack. Your medecine addresses this phyiscal-chemical imbalance.

So two things to keep in mind, your doctor, especially when you get to a psychiatrist, is very experienced in these things and should be listened to and talked to. The other is that, while you might be having sudden surges of good feelings, you have to take care to keep in mind that there is a chemical effect going on, which is disheartening to a degree, but this also means that the extreme depressing feelings are also a result of the chemistry, and not really real.

But I am not a psych or have any qualifications to be taken as anything like an authority on this sort of thing.


Also, let me tell you something, this is the worst month of your life; now. Later on, and I know it sounds absurd and unbeleivable, but later on, you are going to realize that it wasn't as horrible as it sounded. Your mom is going to get treatment and may get better. Your friend will visit you from boarding school, and before long neither of you will be in schools not of your own choosing anyway. Plus, you will get to meet other people along the way. So hold the eff on.

[edit on 22-2-2006 by Nygdan]

Dark Mania

Originally posted by iceofspades
I'm usually the calm, helpful guy, but today I exploded. As I designed my paper, I wasn't afraid to let people know I was horribly frustrated, especially with my...colorful words. Thank god the people like me and tend to understand my frustration, otherwise there probably would have been a huge fight in the journalism room. And with my rage...there would have been blood.

If you have not done so already, I URGE you to contact your doctor and report this!!!

Speaking as someone who is bipolar and has had some very disturbing problems with antidepressants (they make me crazy in a bad way), it is essential that you let your doctor know if you are having these kinds of reactions.

I don't want to alarm you. Oh screw that! I DO want to alarm you. Antidepressants can cause all sorts of dangerous side effects if you're bipolar.

Your doctor may or may not be aware of the risks you are being exposed to.

I don't know all the details in your case, so maybe I'm wrong. However, what I'm reading here sounds eerily familiar, and it is best to be safe about things like this.

I just know that in my case, it is imperative that I never, ever take antidepressants, lest I end up freaking out and winding up wandering in the desert again (that only happened because I was on antidepressants, and that is the most manic I've ever been before or since by about ten orders of magnitude).

If you are feeling unusually aggressive or “crazy”, and this is a new thing for you, please tell your doctor right NOW.

Also, if at all possible, try to get a referral to a psychiatrist for a second opinion. All my troubles came as a consequence of being prescribed an antidepressant by my family doctor, who meant well, but misdiagnosed me.

I'm not sure if it may help, but if you're curious about what a “certifiable” bipolar person has to say, I invite you to see if you can sit through one or more of...

Majic's Manic Monologs

Being bipolar can actually be quite cool once you get used to it, but it MUST be properly managed, or very, very bad things can happen.

Please, call your doctor RIGHT NOW!

i suffer from bipolar disorder (manic depression) was confirmed with it back in June last year.

i am on lithium to control the mood swings, but as someone said, i was on anti-depressants first which messed with the whole thing.

I don't want to alarm you. Oh screw that! I DO want to alarm you. Antidepressants can cause all sorts of dangerous side effects if you're bipolar

exactly Majic,before being confirmed with it, i spent months on prozac and anti-pyschotic pills and i got to the point that i felt urges to go out and kill people (that is the dangerous of taking anti-depressants if you are bipolar).

Of course, bipolar can have its plus. Lots of poets, artists, (who are successful) have it because their work can be emotional and they use bipolar in their work.

Speaking as someone who struggles to cope with it, it has to be managed because you will only endanger yourself and others. My friends spend most of the day stopping me from walking out of cars cause i tend to be very manic and thinking i can cheat death. Others time, im soo depressed that i pay no attention to anyone and keep walking....

As others have said, call your doctor and tell them this.

Well...my physician is not exactly sure if I'm bipolar. She said she has dealt with bipolar adolescents for about 6 years now, and she would not be surprised if I am. So, she's having me keep a log of my moods and events every day. That should help.

As for the one day in the journalism room, I had no intention or want whatsoever to hurt anyone else, I had just never been more stressed in my life at that point and it was hard for me to deal with. I think that's part of growing up; learning how to deal with stress.

As for my antidepressants, the doctor told me Lexapro is relatively safe in combination with a bipolar person, but who knows what that means. I don't know...I just feel so...not myself lately.

I witnessed the death of my step-father and for awile after that I was a mess. I did not get tested or anything but I would be in the middle of a conversation about say.. sports with my friends and break into tears for no reason. And not beable to stop if I tried. To this day if I am watching a movie that is not even sad.. I may start to find a tear in my eye, because something in it subconsciously will remind me of something like that.

Dealing with these types of things can be very hard. I spent 6 months dealing with cancer in my family, only to defeat it and then be faced with this. I found myself in fits of rages and smashing walls in my own house, abusing alcohol and drugs for days in a row.

All of the sudden nothing mattered anymore. School marks plummeted, attitude turned, quit all my extra curricular activities because I just didn't care. What did it matter? I seen where we end up anyways so why should I bother wasting my time.

But I realized life is all about the journey, it doesn't matter where you end up.. its how you get there.

My girlfriend today was a big help in this, she supported me through times when I had nobody else. I am not close enough to my family members to really discuss things like this, so I finally had an outlet. It was great, I could say whatever I wanted about anything, and knew I was not being judged.

Slowly things began to matter to me. I left drugs alone and got my life back together.

I now live with my girlfriend with a good job and nice apartment, rather then spending nights in jail as I have after the passing of my step-father.

My best advice is TALK to people about this. Don't ball it up and express it different forms. You need to have somebody to talk to about this and just spill your heart out. If you gotta scream.. then Scream. If you need to cry, then Cry!

This is something you will probably never get over, and you will find yourself some nights just crying for no reason. Its not great, but its the cards you got so you need to make the best of it. I deal with my thoughts ona daily basis, not a day goes by that I dont see the images of him on the floor, or the sounds of the night.

When you say you need to be there for somebody else, thats the truth. It is only because of my mother that I am here today. I knew if I did something to myself, she would be right behind me and I couldnt do that. I had no reason to live after this, but I knew I was the reason for somebody else to live.

Or you could just be a normal teenager. Keeping a daily log is a great idea, no matter what's going on.

I well remember my teen years, and the things my friends and I went through.
Having your best friend whisked away to a boarding school without even a goodbye will cause the most rational teenager to have overwhelming sadness and rage. Now that you know your mom has cancer, you have an excuse to let it out.
That probably reads as harsh, but I've found that people don't give other people enough credit when it comes to raw truth. I think you can handle it.

Your mom probably didn't tell you that she had a concern about cancer. So she had time to mentally try it on and deal with it before she had a test that confirms the cancer. You, on the other hand; had it sprung on you as a surprise after an argument. You probably had no idea why you were arguing, either.

When my mom told me she had breast cancer, it brought out a better side of me. I couldn't afford to be incompetent and un-confidant anymore. I had to stand up for her. Stand up with her. Be there for her when she was afraid. And show her how to be strong, just like she showed me when I was little.
Her cancer was a gift, in that way.

I can't even imagine what you're going through; but I know you're not alone.

BTW, Lexapro is a very fast acting SSRI. Some people feel a difference the first day. Most people feel a noticeable difference within 3-5 days.

Stress, Drugs And Rock 'N' Roll

Originally posted by iceofspades
As for my antidepressants, the doctor told me Lexapro is relatively safe in combination with a bipolar person, but who knows what that means. I don't know...I just feel so...not myself lately.

I wrote out a big long post before I realized that it was really just an expression of my own fears resulting from my own bad experiences with antidepressants (and those of a couple of close friends).

Complicating things is the fact that I'm in a depressive phase myself right now (which always includes acute anxiety, among other things), so that affects my outlook. And no antidepressants for me.

Maybe in your case it's the way to go. I don't know. Maybe the dissociation you're feeling is from the stress and not the drug.

When psychoactive drugs help, they can really, really help. The problem is that when they hurt, they can really, really hurt.

I'll try to stop preaching from my chair, and just recommend that you keep an eye on yourself. Definitely write down how you feel.

And definitely try to do what you can to avoid letting all that steam build up inside.

It's okay to talk about it.

This last year has been the worst year of my life, so I know somewhat how you feel. Different experiences, but rather horrble. I'm not going to sit here and tell you things like "it'll get better" or "you need to get help" because you know those things already, and it gets tiring hearing those things over and over again. As others have said, call your dr right away and tell them about what happened. Don't hesitate to tell your dr every little thing. I was diagnosed with depression and put on zoloft, which turned out to be the worst mistake ever. I waited too long to tell my dr, and ended up in the emergency room having stitches put in my wrist. You *NEED* to find out if you are bipolar, not just "It wouldn't surprise me if you are" but an actual diagnosis. Until you get that confirmed putting you on meds for it isn't going to help you if you aren't. I can't stress this enough, but YOU MUST NOT HESITATE TO CALL YOUR DR.

Thanks for talking with me about this guys.

I'll tell you about my day, as I wrote in my log; it might help:

So today (third day of Lexapro), I felt very content. I have had an easier time today holding a conversation and talking to people than I can ever remember. The paper was finished, by the way. As I drove to work, I felt so incredibly happy. I thought it might just be the fact that it was a warm and sunny day, and I could even roll my windows down comfortably, but one can never be sure.

So...as for side-effects, I am extremely drowsy. That might be because I've been getting to sleep later than students should, but it's no different than my normal sleep schedule with which I normally feel adequate. Let's see...when I swallow or yawn (which is happening more than often, by the way), I feel slightly nauseous; just kind of like I'm gagging a little. Sexual virility: normal.

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I'm freaked out now though. I'm hearing a lot that I might gain weight and lose my sexual drive. That would be horrible! I mean...granted I only weigh 130 pounds, I don't want to gain anything. And I enjoy my sex drive, thank you very much.

And I'm also paranoid because I'm hearing that many people who come off this experience a strong rebound depression and serious withdrawal effects, despite a doctor-engineered program. And (yes, another and), the medication was prescribed by an MD, not a psychiatrist...what if she didn't have a clue what she was doing?

What if I lose my ability to feel the complex emotions of life...have I been party to the dousing of my passion?

Oh god...thank god I'm on anxiety medication...

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Thanks for your advice, guys. I'm going to see what I can do about getting a counselor or someone to talk to. I'm afraid my friends are tired of hearing me rant to them about my life...

[edit on 23-2-2006 by iceofspades]

I'm afraid my friends are tired of hearing me rant to them about my life...

You can allways come rant to me if you like! Ranting helps - i know

If you feel the need to shout at somebody you are more than welcome to u2u me. I let all my friends do it (Yes i am totally mad )

BTW, Like Zaphod58 said, I'm not going to sit here and say all the same *Don't Swear* That everybody else says.

I have no real technicall advice about this med or anything- I just hope you feel happier soon!

CB x x x x x

Hey Ice. I think everyone who has posted here has about covered what I was going to say, so I'll just let you know, if you ever need someone to talk to, rant to, whatever, drop me a u2u I'll listen.

I'm sorry things don't seem to be going very well for you. And I really hope you see some improvement soon.

--Kit.

i kinda know what you mean about the whole being someone else thing. this is ironic that i say this cuz i cant really give you advice on how to get out of it. jesus loves you