U.S. Outsourcing the Presidency
2006-03-02 | Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of March 20,
The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead
the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
“We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant”, stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with
the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. “We cannot expect to remain competitive on the
world stage with the current level of cash outlay”, Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of
Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of March 20. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian
parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no
health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and
India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. “Working nights will allow me to keep my day job
at the American Express call center”, stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. “I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not
be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively
to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
“We know these scripting tools work”, stated the spokesperson. “President Bush has used them successfully for years.” Mr. Singh may have
problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the “down home” persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible
for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed
limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at
Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile. Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas
Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month,
before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. “I've been there, I know all about Iraq”, stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge
of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception
from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.