We've begun marriage counselling...and um...damn...
in a nutshell, the psychologist met with us both, then each of us seperately...and he holds very little hope.
In the first meeting, I observed the body language of my partner-very closed. Defensive against me, protected against the shrink etc.
I noticed mine and wondered if it was my true comfort with self, or something I was projecting...I was turned toward my partner, a bit sideways to
shrink, but very open, one arm on back of couch toward my spouse etc.
We both spoke openly, including about the situation which was catalyst in us seeking counselling etc, and after we each made our...opneing statements
the shrink would ask the other if it seemed accurate etc...and it usually was....even if further clarification was needed...not in defense, but
just for the other perspective of that issue.
So all in all I did like the psychologist, however he first met with my spouse and after that session said he thought we should seperate by my spouses
indications-told my spouse this.
When I met with him, I said I didn't know why I was if he had made up his mind and was recommending we just end it...but he said, well based on what
I was hearing it doesn't seem like things could work out...but lets talk...so we did.
When he asked me why did I want to make it work...I said "Can I give the sociological POV" and he laughed and said You can give me whatever view you
want...just tell me...
so I said, well, family is important. It's important for the individual, for the unit, for the children, for society-I deeply believe in "family"
and I would do anything for my kids...
then he of course laid the bombshell on me as i guess I knew he would and asked
"well, tell me then...how long do you think you can continue to make personal sacrifices of all of your most basic needs for those reasons?"
# # # # # ## # # # # # # #!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know. How long can someone go without intellectual, spiritual, emotional or sexual stimulation/compatability?
The worst part is in most cases, counselling can take you back to why you fell in love, and weed through what choked that love...find out where the
true cionnection was and strengthen it again...
for us...it never was about love or a connection...it was about running away from pain and reality for me...it was about young immature co-dependant
symbiotic need-a phase...we grew out of it, out of one another, became better people indiviudally and as parents eventually...but never as a couple-we
have never had a connection-our kids are our connection...our reason we continued to progress in the right direction even...our one unified purpose
but...it is nothing more...not for me....can't seem to be.
the worst part is my spouse wants to make it work, not just for the kids and to save face and family etc...but for love apparently...
I just disagree on the defination of love I guess..I need more than to share a house and chores and family obligations with someone. I need more than
to have detached sex without desire or passion...
I feel my spouses sexual desire/willingness to please is feigned at times...a lower libido I once thought...it has improved lately, but I feel it is a
ruse...for my sake, even though it is much more mutually satisfying with the extra effort they willingly-even joyfully give these days
For me, there has never been a real sexual attraction factor...and very little sexual satisfaction as a result of that and a complete lack of
emotional intimacy- sex either needs to be about lust and passion, or a soulful connection, intellectual emotional intimacy...ideally BOTH
our is none of the above...NONE-that should be indicative of how detached our marriage as a whole is...so with that in mind, I do not feel this is
about love...my spose does...and I feel guilty for not being able to reciproicate that love based on the null and void emotions that are not
present-no connection. I realize now there are people that are simple and need not a soulful connection with someone...or feel one without
intellectual stimulation, emotional intimacy, and other compatability factors, but I am not one of them...and it pains me to be trapped by one who is
satisfied with so little.
I use to look forward when I would leave for a month at a time! I was FREE-I missed nothing about my spouse because there was nothing to miss. That is
ad. I pointed this out once...asked what was missed about me...there was no specifics given...sad...even back then I was trying to make a
point...trying to..."get out"
now I am the "bad guy" so to speak for not loving them for all of these years...WTF? I have TRIED or I wouldn't be here. I have DENIED my SELF and
everything that makes me who I am and where I came from...and it just came back to bite me in the butt because as the good doc said
how long can I sacrifice my most basic needs for the sake of this marriage...
meanwhile...my spouse is performing harder than ever for my approval. Doing little things, even though I plainly stated that annoys me-it isn't about
the little things...don't wait on me!!!!!
damn...bet you're sorry you asked!
I am in hell.
next session of counselling Thursady-we will be brought back in together again after our seperate sessions and given the "game plan" I guess. He
said "well if you want to try...you must know...it is not going to be eaay...not at all and you are both going to have to change"
Yipee...can't wait to see what I need to change...I'm sure it's something that wont make me very happy...worse yet is what can my spouse change?
Is my spouse suddenly going to love music like I do? Have similar musical tastes? (got 5 CD's from me this month-I don't think any of them were
appreciated. Just about 5 different genres included too) Have a past similar to mine? have interests in the paranormal, unusual, religion, history,
conspiracies suddenly? Become more talkative...become more interesting? (sorry, but...)become more interested or supportive of my efforts in music,
writing, etc...become more spiritual?
See it's not about the little things...it's about who we are...why should people have to change WHO they are at the core to make things work...and
HOW can they? How can I NOT be who I am , and how can they be someone they are not? vice versa-not trying to put anyone down or lift myself up-just
spelling out the core of our differences/incompatibility
How can I go through life not being loved for who I am-just for who I am
geez..not that anyone will read this-or this far, but at least I feel a bit better rambling it all out...I think I feel better...