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My Fellow Ameriii---cans, as you know, we must fight tear-or where ever it happens. We must fight tear-or at the homefront, but also where they sleep. As of 10:43PM East-trun Standard Times, The U--nighted States of A--merica has declared war on Ikea. Far too long, has theyre rugs and carpets been sold to the A--merican peoples at overpriced costs. This is a Tear-or attack on A--merica, and we will not stand for Tear-or attacks. Our opening of this battle, Designated OPERATION ORECK, will be to directly CARPET BOMB Ikea Headquarters. Any A--mericans who have rugs or carpets, must dispose of them immediately. If you own a rug, you support tear-or. True Patriotic A--mericans use hard wood, or lamenated flooring. Thank you for your time, and May God Bless A--merica.
BelowTopSecrets Senior War Coverage Correspondant