OK, here's my take on shyness-in general it can have to do with personal insecurites, or lack of trust, fear of intimacy etc... but most cases the
internal factor is "distorted thinking" and the external factor is "Lack of experience" and you can overcome both and be very happy!
If you have an overall lack of experience with approaching women, talking to women, asking women out, or to dance etc...then not only is this a fact
of being the external factor- lack of experience, but it manifests itself in "distorted thinking" which most people to a degree practice at
different times, and often people with shyness etc have made it into unconscious HABIT-ONE TO BREAK my friend.
The key word in the above is practice-if you practice talking with women, you'll become better and more comfortable with it-if you practice being
shy, well then you'll perfect that, and if you are unconciously practicing distorted thinking, this is the self-defeating practice you most need to
be aware of an STOP.
Distorted thinking is a thought, that is NOT based in fact, but as soon as it crosses your mind-consciously or subconsciously- then you have an actual
emotional reaction based on it. Whether it is true or false! ANd this reaction validates the thought as fact. It's a cycle.
Emotions are not aware of validity of the trigger-meaning the thought can be based on truth or rubbish, but you will have an emotional reaction to it
...this very real emotional feeling then validates the thought-making you think-or over-think (think2much maybe
) and then you become
selfdefeating...these thought become common unconscious ones, causing negative feelings (anxiety etc) which confirms itself and perpetuates the
Examples of distorted thoughts: Lables
If you lable yourself as : a shy guy, a nerd, a geek, a dork, not good around women, a failure with women, etc
or lable other guys you compare yourself with as: studs, cool, good with women, chick-magnets etc...
and women as: out of my league, too hot, too pretty, too sexy, not interested
then this distorted lable causes an emotional reaction to it (sad/inferior, jealous of others, anxiety with women etc) this is hard for guys to grasp
sometimes not being so totally in touch with feelings over thought etc.
But that emotional reaction inadvertantly validates your thought (of yourself as a geek, other guys cool, women untouchable)
This is primal-that our thoughts create emotional reactions and that are emotional reactions validate our thoughts-it's a primal psychological
Think of it this way-you are prehistoric man and suddenly hear a dinosaur and speculate danger and process the thought-*I'm in danger*...your body is
almost instantaneously reacting-pumping up your adrenelin and this reaction of your body to your thought is then validating your thought and telling
you yes, you are in danger- RUN! or FIGHT! ...and you then start instantly thinking about what is the best course to take...to run or fight...and
while you think these options over for a split sec each your bodies reaction to each through helps you decide which course to take...to run or
and then you run only to see and realize it wasn't a dinosaur coming around the mountain...it was just another damn spaceship taking off and you wish
those damn aliens would find something that didn't shake the earth so much...
NOW your thinking is factual...and your emotions regulate...but a second ago...with the unfactual thought your life was in danger, you
rphysical/emotional/psychological eacted to it. You reacted to a distorted thought-the reactions are real.
I wont go further, but you get the idea...
Ok, so you have a distorted thought, and it creates an negative emotional reaction, which then validates the distorted thought (I'm a shy dork= you
then feel inferior to the guys around who are not and/ or intimidated by the women around you as too hot=mental confirmation you must be a dork if you
feel so inferior and intimidated, etc which makes you think some more, and here is where distorted thinking multiplies faster than bunnies into other
areas of known distorted thinking patterns from David Burns MD are identified as:
ALL or NOTHING thinking
DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
(and these are in addition to labling/mislabling yourself and others I've mentioned)
Here's a scereo incorportating some of the above thoughts that many shy guys might practice:
you go to a bar or party and walk in and sit down, or cruise the perimeter, and see who is there-guys/gals and what is going on...and this is- if not
the first thought- definately one that will eventually pass through your noggin something like *Man I wish I wasn't so shy, I feel like a dork, I
wish I could talk to some of these women like John over there, man he is cool, he always gets the hot chicks...I never do*
So seems benign, but here is a breakdown of how some simple seemingly accurrate and benign thought is actually distorted thinking and ultimately
self-defeating. Here's another take on those type thoughts above and the corresponding distorted parts HIGHLIGHTED BY CAPS (and identified in
*Gosh, I'm so SHY (LABLE). I hate being all nervous, I'm such a SHY GEEK (lable), I wish I could be like my COOL FRIENDS, (LABLE)... or those
-SMOOTH GUYS (lable)...man there goes John he ALWAYS (all or nothing/overgeneralization/jumping to conclusions) gets the HOTTEST WOMEN, (lable/
Overgenerlization) and I can NEVER (overgeneralization/jumping to conclusions) even talk to such a HOT CHICK (lable) without ALWAYS
(Overgeneralization/jumping to conclusions) being/feeling/looking like a COMPLETE DORK! (overgeneralization/lable)
In 30 seconds you've done what you probably always unwittingly practice-self-defeating thoughts, and had emotional reactions -disappointment in
yourself, hopelessness in picking up women, fear of failure with women, jealousy of smooth guys etc...those feelings you had, of dread for the rest of
the night beinfg more of what you experienced in the past...the smooth guys getting chicks, while you hang out alone or with the other dorks...
that emotional gut reaction to your thoughts psychological validates them, and then you think it's true...that you will NEVER get the HOT chicks and
someone like JOHN who is SMOOTH will ALWAYS get laid at the end of the night if not sooner...
it's a self defeting cycle that happens nearly instantaneously, with ONE simple thought lasting 30 seconds as you check out the scene! then you
practice this behavior with each thought along those lines thorughout the night and when you go home having not spoken to a woman, or sure she was
"Just being nice" (Jumping to conclusions, labling)if you did talk with one, or one smiled at you all ready to torture yourself with the same
thoughts as you leave-alone-as proof those thoughts were correct to begin with...
you practice these thoughts alot I bet if you are shy. but you don't know you are practicing something, and you don't know your thoughts are
But for one you are NOT SHY, (stop labling)you maybe do not go up to people or women alot, and are nervous to, or when you do, but this is merely a
lack of practice and confidence... you may feel nervous, but that is a feeling, based on inexperience probably, and not WHO you ARE any more than SHY
is WHO YOU ARE-it's simply NOT...just something you FEEL sometimes and something you can STOP feeling by practicing other thoughts and feelings and
actions all of which will create their own positive cycle.
Basically, chances are you've practiced this form of distorted thinking, or a variety of it to some degree for MUCH longer than you've tried to
actually make an effort to coonect with a woman or overcome your negative feelings and distorted thinking...so it's time to change my friend.
Damn...I'd go into more nd explain how to overcome and change it all but I don't have time today!
(collective sigh of relief from readers)
but just ponder those points if you will!!