Daystar's Funny Thread

I thank you for your contributions. dead funny, to the point of LMAO. now you know why i like aussies so much!

Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The TASTE!!!

What do you call a camel with four humps?

A Saudi Quattro!

(Ok, I know that was BAD, but hey )

An officer once, when closing a military base, came across a lot of old documents. He asked for permission from the Pentagon to destroy the documents... The reply came back... "You have permission to destroy the documents, provided you make triplicate copies of them first"

An officer needed to make a phone call, but realized he had no change. Near the phone, a private was mopping the floor.

"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
"Sure, buddy" the soldier replied.
"That's no way to address a senior officer soldier...let's try this again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
"No Sir!" was the private's reply....

What happens when you cross an apple with a nun?

a computer that never goes down on you...

classic - a blond joke

-----------------------------
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do! you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Disclaimer: Ladies, I'm not a sexist chauvinist male pig. I just thought if was funny, and would have a couple of the male people here to laugh, innocently. Please don't hate me.

Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

You're just upset because your
butt is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it.
What time of the month is it?

You sure you don't want to consult
the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl
of bitch flakes this morning!

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Who are you kidding?
We both know that thing ain't loaded

What does DNA stand for?

National
Dyslexic
Association

A Church has three candidates who wish to become priests. The head priest rounds them up one day and tells them that they have to complete just one more test to become priests.

"Strip," says the Father.

The three strip off and are lead into a windowless room, where they are lined up against the wall.

"This," the Father informs them, "is the celibacy test."

He bends down and ties a piece of string to each man's tool. Hanging from each piece of string was a small bell. Stepping back, the priest snaps his fingers and in comes a woman dressed in a belly dancer's costume. She begins to dance. Soon the first candidate starts getting aroused, and soon - Ting-a-ling!

"Oh dear," says the Father, "you have proven yourself unable to control you desires. Go take a shower, and relax."

After the first candidate has left, the Father turns his attention to the other two. The dancer is not having an effect on the two men, and the Father tells the woman to start touching them. The second candidate starts to get aroused, and soon - ting-a-ling!

"So close! But you too have failed. Go hit the showers," says the Father.

After the second man has left, the Priest turns to the last man, who, by now, has the woman all over him.

"Enough! You have passed! I am very proud of you. You will make a fine priest," says the Father. "Now, go and join you fellow candidates in the shower."

Ting-a-ling!

What's the definition of a tampon?

Dracula's teabag!!!

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St Pete tells him that he can't get into heaven, so the engineer reports to Hell. Soon the engineer becomes disatisfied with the quality of life in Hell, so he starts remodelling the place with escalators, lifts, new showers etc etc

God phones up Satan a few days later and says with a sneer "hows things in hell?"

"Great! that engineer you sent down has been refurbishing this place." says satan

"What?!" says god jealously. "theres been a mistake. send him back up here!"

"No way" says satan. "He's a great guy; i like him, everyone else likes him, and i'm keeping him on the staff"

"Send him back or I'll sue!" Shouts God

Satan laughs uproarously.

"Yeah right," he says. " and just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

manwife!!!!!! LOL

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to # when you hear the price."

I havent laughed in ages,some classics dudes...
Heres a couple:

Clark works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Jessica, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Clark, how ya doing?"

Jessica is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Clark. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Clark if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

Jessica is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Clark. "Hi Clarky," she says, "want your usual table dance?"

Jessica, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Clark follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Jessica can slam the door, Clark jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Clark."

No#2



A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night for dinner
with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well , the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack?

The boy decides on the family pack because he thinks he will be quite busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.

"I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy
goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is in deep prayer with his head down.
Five minutes pass, and still the boy is in deep prayer.

The family
was getting strained muscles from bowing their heads for such a lengthy
period. And the boy continued to pray, on and on, on and on.
Finally, after 10 minutes with her head still down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was the pharmacist."...

[Edited on 24-10-2003 by ROGUE]

some cat laws...

Bathrooms

Always follow visitors into the bathroom - it is not necessary to do
anything, simply sit and stare at them.

Doors

Closed doors are not allowed. To open doors, stand on hind legs and scratch
or push with front paws. Once the door has been opened, you don't have to
go through it. If the main entrance door has been opened for you, stand in
the doorway, front paws outside, and think of something nice for a long
time. This is of great importance if it is freezing, snowing, raining or
there are many mosquitoes flying around outside.

Chairs and carpets

If you are going to be sick, the best place is in a chair, but if you don't
have time, an oriental rug may be used. If there are no oriental or silk
rugs, normal deep-pile carpets are acceptable. While being sick make sure
you move backwards to cover the length of a bare foot.

Distraction techniques

If some humans are busy while others are doing nothing, stick to the ones
who are busy. This is called "helping" or "interfering" and the rules are
as follows:
1) In the kitchen make sure you are sitting right behind the
person's left heel. This means you will not be seen which increases
your chances of being stood on, and the person will then have to pick
you up to comfort you.

2) If the human is reading a book, make sure you stand at chin
level, between the pages and eyes unless you are able to lie right
across the book.

3) Paperwork in general: Place yourself in a very purposeful way
across the papers so as to cover a large area. Pretend to be asleep,
but from time to time have a go at hitting at the pen or pencil.

4) When humans are working on their income tax papers, with
invoices or writing Christmas cards you must be very clear in your
mind about your aim: To interfere! First sit on the piece of paper
the human is writing on; after being chased away, sit next to it,
looking very sad. When you have are chased away for the second time,
knock pens, pencils, etc off the table, one item at a time.

5) Holding a newspaper in front of a face it is a signal for you
to pounce on it. Humans love this. When they work at their computer,
you must walk across the keyboard, chase the cursor and then sit on
their laps, across both arms.

Walking about

You should jump in front of people as close and unexpectedly as you can.
This is very important in the dark, if they are carrying something on the
stairs, and when they get out of bed in the mornings.

Bedtime

You must always sleep on top of the humans, so that they cannot move or
change their positions.

Litter box

If you use your litter box you must spread as much litter as possible over
the surrounding floor, as humans love the feeling of the stones between
their toes.

Hiding

From time to time you should hide in a place where it is impossible for the
humans to find you. You must on no account emerge for at least 3 or 4
hours. This will make the humans panic (a positive experience) as they will
think you have run away or got lost. When you 'return' the humans will make
a big fuss of you, and probably give you something nice to eat.

Last thought

When you are really close to humans, especially their faces, turn round and
show them your tail end - they really appreciate it!

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the \'IMPORTANT\' note at the end is worth a read too...).

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

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................bump.....................

Why is it women love to sleep with men who've been circumcised?

because women cant resist anything with 10% off!!!

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

Two Generals, one American and one British were having an arguement, the American General said ''i bet my marine is braver than your marine'',
the British General laughed and said ''prove it''
''Marine'' shouted the American General
''Yes Sir'' barked the Marine
''I want you the climb to the the top of that tower over there, jump off and land on your head, is that clear?'' shouted the American General
''Yes Sir'' barked the Marine
The US Marine ran to the tower climbed to the top and lept off, landing on his head, causing a horrible sight, a couple of US Marines loaded him onto a stretcher, the mangeled Marine saluted the US General as he went past
the US General roared with pride ''beat that then!''
the British General let out a small grin
''Marine'' said the British General in a normal voice
''Yes Sir'' replied the British Marine
''i want you to climb to the the top of that tower over there, jump off and land on your head'' spoke the British General
''Bollocks sir'' shouted the British Marine
''Now that bravery'' laughed the British General