Austrialia

yea watch out for flies and mosquitos
there's so many u could paint a house with em

No-one's posted this on here yet, so I guess it's up to me. Again, no offence intended.

The Australian Constitution

WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.

We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable", but for the rest of us it's just to cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, whose capital is Sydney. Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with d**kheads remains a mystery.

We, the people of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing. We leave that to the poms.

We want to make "No Worries" our national phrase, "She'll be right" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem. So what if it's about a sheep stealing crim who commits suicide.

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.

We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.

We, the people of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.

While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.

So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.

Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?

Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.

If you are an american who hates the state of the government and the war in iraq, you will be welcomed with open arms, us aussies LOVE americans who complain about america, because we love doing that.
Just dont bring up politics, or religion, with someone you meet in a pub (a bar). Also, if someone 'shouts' (buys a drink for you) at a bar, just before you finish this round, you have to shout them a round (if you dont need a drink, yourself, just buy one for them, and either get a pub squash (lemonade), coke, or nothing, for yourself)

Not to worry, everything will be fine, unless
You get caught in a bushfire and are burnt to crisp,
Get bitten by a poisonous snake,
Get bitten by a poisonous spider,
Get bitten by a blue ringed octupus,
Get stung by box jellyfish,
Get eaten by a saltwater crocodile,
Get eaten by a Great White,
Get run over by traffic in Sydney or Melbourne,
Get stung by European wasps,
Get lost in the outback and die of thirst,
Or get kicked to death by a wild kangaroo in your backyard.
Now that's not too bad is it?
G'Day

Also, those idiots you see on tv and in movies, don't represent australia.
Neighbours does... if you are a middle-class white person living in the south-eastern suburbs of melbourne. (I live around the corner from the place where they film the outside scenes for that show, and it's nothing like on the show, lol! Mostly old europeans, and asian families, here)

Originally posted by nrky
Also, those idiots you see on tv and in movies, don't represent australia.
Neighbours does... if you are a middle-class white person living in the south-eastern suburbs of melbourne. (I live around the corner from the place where they film the outside scenes for that show, and it's nothing like on the show, lol! Mostly old europeans, and asian families, here)

Neighbours is a load of #e, that isn't normal Australian life at all Quite frankly I'd rather have people overseas thinking we were like Crocodile DUndee than those wankers at Ramsey Street.

Note that I said "if you are a middle-class white person living in the south-eastern suburbs of melbourne". Neighbours is boring, so is middle-class white life in SE-melbourne.

Melbourne must be one of the most boring places in the world

It isn't a well known fact....but Aussie has more sheep per head of capita than New Zealand.

Just be careful.........


of the sheep. VERY careful

That's all I can say on the subject of australia *cackle*

If your gonna visit Australia, visit Hamilton Island, and go deap sea fishing, or diving on the Great Barrier reef.

Oh, and make sure your Flight to Hamilton Island is on a Boeing 717. These jets are operated by, Qantas link and JetStar, and they are MUCH for comfortable than 737's / A320's.

Originally posted by JBurns
Thank you everyone! I really appreciate all of the help and information.

What is the climate like year round?

In Melbourne it ranges from around 10 degrees to 45degrees. At the moment it's as usual, sunny, with not a cloud visable AT ALL, not even a cirrus cloud.

Yeah..........watch out for all the freakin' snakes and spiders that can kill you!

I'd walk around in a beekeepers outfit the whole time if I were you. It's the only way to be completely safe.

Actually, I have never seen most of them spiders in my life, apart from on TV shows. Don't be paranoid, but don't think a snake or spider is your friend, just be cautios, that's all.

Oh, and one time I had a 4 inch long spider on my hand. I almost crapped myself....

Lol ffs people, most of australia is just like america, I'm aussie and I've only seen a few deadly snakes or spiders (and maybe a couple of koalas or kangaroos when I went on holidays to my friends farm.)

Oh yeah, as for advice, learn to spell Australia without an "i" after the "r", Its Aus-tralia not Aus-trialia lol.

Originally posted by chebob

2) I'd be too dissapointed when I found out that all the streets don't look as nice as Ramsay Street, and that Harold Bishop wouldn't be serving me coffee in the local diner

And thats a reason for not coming here
You do realise that no one really watches that crap here right.

Kakadu is a must, though depends on the time of year you are here, damn dangerous otherwise.
Whitsundays are heaven on earth, and airlie beach is the party Heaven wishes they could have.
Dont freak about the "dangerous wildlife", very few aussies are killed each year, ohh thats right your a foreigner.........just kidding.
When you do come u2u all us aussies before hand, i'm sure we'll all look after ya. Just bring lots of them US dollars (rubs hands greedily).
To be honest doesnt really matter which state or city you visit, theres plenty to do and see all over, same as most places in the world i'm sure, except were a lot better looking!!