Time to tell you all a little about myself...

not many people here really know me , some may think they do, but nobody here knows the real jared

I live my live every single day worrying about everything. People seem to think(me included) that I think about the worst outcome of everything. My thoughts seem to be riping me a new a$$hole. I mostley think about me going to hell. There have been times where I have been so depressed over my thoughts, I have put a knife to my throat. I could never go all the way through with it and here comes another thought, If I kill myself, I will go to hell. I have always been told, no matter how bad your life seems, their is always someone out there that has it worse. The legal system here in Kansas is so screwed up. I dont think I am ready to share my troubles with the law yet, but I might later. I am undergoing therapy right now, and it is very hard to tell him anything, because I had been taught at a early age to trust nobody.I swear, the only thing that keeps me from killing myself, Is God. I just have seen God do so much in my life and others, yet, I still live my life in agony fearing the worst. Another one of my problems is fear. I have fear of almost anything. If I were to see a horrer flick, a normal person would take only a few days do get over it, but me, It takes me a few months. I remember, ever since I was very young, I have always been scared of 'grays'. And when I saw the movie "signs", my anxiety level was extremly high for months. tonight, before I typed this post, I was having the most horrid nightmares, but I do not feel comfortable sharing.

Are you seeing professional help for your problems? If you can't cope, I suggest you do.

Hi ....

Everyone goes through life feeling down and out....but everyday we learn something new and being alive is good , no matter how bad things look....

When your feeling 'down' just look at some of the people living in parts of the world where they have nothing and live to survive day by day.....
helen...

Take care..

sounds like therapy is the right place for you to be right now, shadow. you're not alone in having gone through what you're feeling. what's good is that it's possible to come out of it, and not have to live in pain and fear forever. you've taken the first step. good luck.

TSK
I wish you well on your treatment.

Hang in there buddy!!!


Mark

Hey man, the only people going to hell are those that think they will never go there or that it doesn't exist.

You sound like a person with a lot of baggage, no?

I don't think that evading your therapist is a good idea.

Have you done things that are crimes and you fear having to pay for them?

If that is the case then no-one can help you man.

You have to decide whether you can face the consequences or not.

Originally posted by THENEO
Have you done things that are crimes and you fear having to pay for them?

All crimes that have been comited by me have been setteled in court, I was just saying that I think about them alot.

I hope that your therapist is conducting daily/weekly suicide risk assessments with you. Please stay mentally strong and do not give in to these thoughts (remember that thinking things doesn't make it so; a thought is still just a thought), also do not be afraid to explore all psychiatric treatment options. If you have been in therapy for more than 8 sessions with little change you may wish to seek a second opinion.

shadow,

stop thinking so much about what you have done and think more about what you can do.

My so called 'friend' was busted today at school for possesion of marijauna. And the thing is, The fuc*in A$$hole tryed to bring me down with him. Luckily, no one belives a thing he says. The princible asked him if he gave me anything, and he said"no, but we smoked last week". I never smoked with him last week! I hate people that when the get in trouble, they try to bring as many people down with them as possible. Next time I see him, Im gonna give him a bloody nose. Does anyone here know people like this?

Good friends are hard to find even without "baggage" it makes no difference. It sounds like your life has been rough. but THENEO said it best. STOP DWELLING ON THE THINGS YOU CAN NOT CHANGE AND FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN. And i am kinda surprised that you have such depression problems with smoking pot and all. It usually helps unless reality is so overwhelming that it doesn't. If that is the case with you my friend, then maybe a change of life is what you need. Moving to a new city or getting a new job can help change your outlook, because it will change alot of other things. Good luck and hang in there... so much is gonna happen in the next 10 years and you dont want to miss it. Ohhh and get some new friends....anyone is better than a narc.

Absolutely, without a doubt you need to do one thing.

GET OUT OF KANSAS!!!!
It has to be the most depressing state in America!
Go somewhere with mountains or ocean or both. The monotony in that state almost drove me mad and I was just driving through it.
If you don't have the means to get out yet then just concentrate on that as a goal. All will be fine when you get a bit more variety in life.

My 2 cents.

Originally posted by Fry2
Absolutely, without a doubt you need to do one thing.

GET OUT OF KANSAS!!!!
It has to be the most depressing state in America!
Go somewhere with mountains or ocean or both. The monotony in that state almost drove me mad and I was just driving through it.
If you don't have the means to get out yet then just concentrate on that as a goal. All will be fine when you get a bit more variety in life.

My 2 cents.

Im going on vacation tommorow, I will be out of kansas for a week.

Hey Jay

Long time no hear from?

It has been awhile since i have heard from u but i have been thinking about u everyday..wondering how u are, how ur coping with what u have told me by IM....

I have just this piece of advice:

U are surrounded by friends and family who care and love u... any of them that try and give u the blame for something u haven't done is no friend and u should stay away from them!

I know life has been tough recently and i want u to know that i am just on the end of the line if u need anything...no matter day or night...if u need to talk or even just a shoulder...don't hesitate to call as i rely on u to help me through my days when i can't get hold of anyone else!

U hang on there Jared...killing urself is just permenant solution to a temperary problem!

Loads of love and hugs

Gryff

Hey Jared - I just wanted to add my thoughts to the discussion. It sounds like your in high school or something. I just graduated a couple months ago. You shouldn't think that school is your life; that there isn't anything better after it. It's not true, you can do anything you want after you graduate. Go anywhere, and most importantly, start over and no one will care what you did in your past. So just tough it out, do something else with your time to get your mind off what is holding you down and yes, having a companion like God with you can make all the difference; I know. Perhaps its a little over stated, but you aren't alone, you can email or call any of us, we're a little "virtual" family here. Drop me a line anytime.

Love