posted on Sep, 19 2003 @ 01:35 AM
not many people here really know me , some may think they do, but nobody here knows the real jared
I live my live every single day worrying about everything. People seem to think(me included) that I think about the worst outcome of everything. My
thoughts seem to be riping me a new a$$hole. I mostley think about me going to hell. There have been times where I have been so depressed over my
thoughts, I have put a knife to my throat. I could never go all the way through with it and here comes another thought, If I kill myself, I will go to
hell. I have always been told, no matter how bad your life seems, their is always someone out there that has it worse. The legal system here in Kansas
is so screwed up. I dont think I am ready to share my troubles with the law yet, but I might later. I am undergoing therapy right now, and it is very
hard to tell him anything, because I had been taught at a early age to trust nobody.I swear, the only thing that keeps me from killing myself, Is God.
I just have seen God do so much in my life and others, yet, I still live my life in agony fearing the worst. Another one of my problems is fear. I
have fear of almost anything. If I were to see a horrer flick, a normal person would take only a few days do get over it, but me, It takes me a few
months. I remember, ever since I was very young, I have always been scared of 'grays'. And when I saw the movie "signs", my anxiety level was
extremly high for months. tonight, before I typed this post, I was having the most horrid nightmares, but I do not feel comfortable sharing.