...hey...is this thing on? ... It is?...Yeah? Okay...
Vote Subz for ATSNN Councillor!
Whoa!! Sorry folks...didn't realize the volume was up so damn high.
Subzy...ahhh, what can I say? There's only one man for the ATSNN job, and that's my man
Subz. Why you ask? Well, let's take a
looky-see...
He's been a prolific poster on ATSNN since he arrived at ATS. I mean this guy eats, breathes and
poops ATSNN stories. And when I say poops, I
ain't talkin' no Grandma Fitgerald squeezin' out a dry pebble once a week even after a boxload of high-fibre cereal, no, I mean he's shootin'
these babies out faster than an alcoholic after a left-over-curry breakfast!! Just look at how many articles he's racked up in the 9 months he's
been here:
Ye Olde Subz's ATSNN Submissions List - Clicketh
But while the
quantity of Subz's submissions may be likened to a huge pile of something you'd rather not sink your new Hush Puppies into, the
quality certainly can't. Every single one of Subz's articles is complimented by extensive background research and presented with an informed
opinion in eloquent, yet succinct "news prose". There's no "
I wanna get 75 submissions and get the Expert title quick" one-liners in
Subz's news repertoire! No Sir-ee!
And speaking of opinions, you want opinions?! This guy is opinioned up the proverbial kaboose!! He's not afraid to speak his mind and tell it like it
is, hecklers and naysayers be-damned!! And that's what ATSNN thrives on, folks! Mindless regurgitation of distorted and shaded "facts" is for those
CNN hacks. You can't treat the news with hesitant, keep-everyone-happy-and-smiling kid gloves! If you want to get the truth out of a story, you've
got to beat that thing with a heavy blunt object until it lies bleeding and whimpering in the corner, and then ya gotta beat it some more, and then
again, and AGAIN AND-......whoa...sorry...I uh...got a little carried away there... but ANYWAY, you get the point, right?? No?! Well here's a few of
Subz's Op/Ed pieces to give you an idea of what I'm foaming at the mouth about:
"NORTH KOREA HAS NUKES!!", was the cry from the crowd. "BOMB THEM BACK TO THE STONE AGE!!" the mob shouted.
Subz was the only voice of
reason amongst the din:
The North Korean Nuclear Confrontation: A History Of Efforts
"A CONCERT FOR THE POOR!! WOOT! G8 ROCKS, IN MORE THAN JUST A MUSICAL PUN SENSE!!" The world exclaimed. But
Subz's keen ear picked up a
discordant note in their hypnotic tune:
Live8/G8 African Debt Relief: Making Poverty An Industry?
The masses roared, "THE WAR ON TERROR IS GOOD! IT'S FOR OUR GOOD AND THE GOOD OF THE WORLD. IT'S...umm...GOOD! YEAH!" But
Subz was right
there to remind us that sometimes what seems good is really bad, and sometimes bad actually means good, and sometimes the English language is just
kinda weird that way n' stuff:
The War On Terror: Is It Really A War?
Half Truths And Revolutions: What Our Governments Don't Want Us To Know

"But ATSNN isn't about opinions, it's about
denying bias, right??", I
hear you ask, disconcerting as it may be that I can hear voices coming through my computer speakers (
don't worry, I have medication for this).
NOT TRUE o valiant newshound!! ATSNN is AAAAAAALL about opinions, baby!! But opinions and angles formed from
unbiased assessment of the
facts. If not, then ATSNN is merely a relay service for the corporate whore media! Is that what we want?? No!!! And to help others appreciate this,
Subz again pulled no punches and told it like it is:
Partisanship: Refuge Of The Scoundrel
Does Subz not seem like a man who has contributed enormously to, and cares greatly about ATSNN? Of course he doesn't!! I mean
DOES!!.

"But what can Subz do for
ME?" I hear you unselfishly ask.
Well that's a damn good question, and the answer is:
Who gives a crap?! ...Naaaah, just
kidding!
Subz has already served on the council and his record of helping out new members and striving to make ATSNN a better place for everyone is plain for
all to see. Literally thousands of members, that number of which divided by 100, have contacted Subz for help and assistance, to suggest ways in which
ATSNN could be improved, or simply to have a soothing whine about this or that voting issue. And Subz has been there every time without fail. Don't
believe me? Then listen to these testimonials...
Area51UFO: "
I was having problems picking up chicks, so I got in touch with Subz, and he showed me that contributing stories to ATSNN with
proper, unbiased intros makes the ladies go troppo. Now I just can't keep the newshound babes away! Subz RAWKS!!"
TruthJFK: "
So I had this neocon liberal baby-eatin' tulip-walker giving me a bit o' lip and insultin' me round ATSNN. A real punk,
thought he was some kinda tough-guy. One U2U to Subz "The Mechanic", and that petza de merte got paid a visit from the Mods. Needless to say, he
don't bother me no more...and uh...he don't walk so good neither, know what I mean?
Why they call Subz "the Mechanic"? Coz he can fix anyting
for ya. Forgetaboutit!!"
So there you have it folks! There's only one choice for ATSNN Councillor and that choice is...uhhh...wait, ...who...?...oh yeah...
SUBZ!!
Disclaimer: This message not endorsed or sanctioned by Subz in any way. All usernames in this post are fictional and invented. Any
resemblance to real persons living or dead, is purely sort of mostly coincidental and insufficient grounds for legal prosecution or insulting U2Us.
Persons wishing to pursue legal action against the author should call the Wecomeinpeace Prosecution Hotline on 1800-SUCKITUP.
[edit on 2005-10-9 by wecomeinpeace]