posted on Nov, 19 2005 @ 05:24 PM
You know your a redneck if ...
you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis collection.
... you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
... your front porch collapses and five dogs get killed.
... you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
... that billboard that says, “Say no to Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
... you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
... your wife’s hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
... you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
... you think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.
... your Senior Prom had a Daycare.
... you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
... taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
... you’ve got more than one kid named “Darryl”.
... you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.
... on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
... you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
... your favorite cooking competition entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
... your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart staff”.
... your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
... your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.
... you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
... you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
... you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
... you vacuum your sheets instead of washing them.
... you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.
... you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
... you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
... you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
... there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
... you have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
... the strongest smell in your house is butane.
... you think paprika is a Third World country.
... you ask the preacher, “How’s it hangin?”
... you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
... you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.
... you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
... you played the banjo in your high school band.
... the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
... you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.
... you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
... your wife doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping.
... you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
... you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
... anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
... you don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
... your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
... you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
... you’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
... you’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital.
... your kids’ favorite bedtime story is “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.”
... you know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
... your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
... you time your belches to achieve a personal best.
.. your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.