First post in this But I Need Help!

Ok Hi All I'm sorry for just barging in on this side from the conspiracies over at ATS, but I need some seriously good advice, that has no emotional attachment to one side or the other.

Ok brief history, My other half and I have been together almost 4 years, it'll be 4 april 5th. We have been through the wringer, we got pregnant at 4 months, are surviving terrible 2s(our daughter will be 3 in April) My mom died last year, he was off of work for a year and we had to take care of my mom via moving up to philly PA from West VA, Like we don't have enough crap on the plate.

I was left a substantial amount of money, and after paying off rent his car, my car, and various other expenses, all the rent, daycare,groceries, gas, electric, and 10 grand in new musical equipment for him, I blew through the whole lot in 6 months. After all the stuff he put me through, IE not working, having to hire a daycare center because he was too lazy to watch the baby, so I could do something as simple as shop, I finally got fed up.

I dumped him but he still lived in this house, we tried to stay as normal as parents for our daughters sake, I started seeing someone, and only told him I had a one night stand-to save arguments, but it went alot deeper, and I wound up falling hard for this guy.I then told him that I was going to be with someone else, but according to him we were still together the whole time, so he took it as cheating. One night he approaches me with every intimate detail of my affair, so I came clean, couldn't figure out how he did it but I figured someone told.

Turns out while I was cleaning out junk files from my harddrive, I found a few .xsl files I couldnt access, mind you its my computer, Im a web designer. There were about 500 of them, I couldnt understand what was bogging down my system, turns out he had installed Stealth Keylogger onto my system, and had recorded every single email, IM and password I have ever owned, so needless to say I reinstalled the software which is undetectable( so I never knew it was there) and reset the password, also have all the logs now set to go to my email box.

So I went sniffing, didn't find anything other than, he was having his friends wife spy on me when I went to Las vegas, the end of August, and that someone I trust he calls the truth fairy and has sent him my emails that I sent them.(he had a draft in his email, but no addressee amongst various other things. What the F do I do? Im really ticked that he's STILL spying on me, after everything has now been back to normal for like 2 months, I have been out of the house 3 times other than taking my daughter for a walk in the past month, heck, last sunday he reproposed to me.

Now I am really sickened by the fact that he's been spying on me, and reading my emails the whole while, Im not doing anything wrong anymore, but now it just feels like Im being violated, Do I have the right to be mad? I want to tell him to go f off.:bnghd:
Another part of me wants to post copies of all the emails he had all over the desktop sowhen he wakes up for work he realizes he really mde me mad, Soor y for Ranting, I can't sleep, I'm fuming, shaking , and nauseos, all in the same breath.

[edit on 9/24/2005 by denial28] PS I fixed it is that better?


[edit on 9/24/2005 by denial28]

[edit on 24-9-2005 by John bull 1]

use paragraphs or gaps in the ranting...it's easier on the eyes

Originally posted by shaunybaby
use paragraphs or gaps in the ranting...it's easier on the eyes

I am so sorry about that, Im really upset.

He's a control freak and very jealous. Get out now while you still can...RUN! Don't get mad, just leave. It will only get worse

Textuse paragraphs or gaps in the ranting...it's easier on the eyes

Hey!....im sure thats exactly the sort of advice a person needs when their upset!

I would just leave if you have the funds and its financially viable, short of that tell him to Feck off!

It sounds like you really have been through the mill mate, good on you though for moving on with your life and getting back out there, you deserve to be happy. If he loves your Child and wants her to have a normal and happy up bringing he should just get the feck out and move on...then he might stand a chance of meeting someone else aswell.

I can see this is going to be a tough one for you but i'd lay the law down, he sounds like a total fecking tosser.

Can your new guy not help out at all?....it may not be a nice situation but another guy politley telling him to feck off should do the trick...thats if hes got any self respect or respect for you and your child.

Hope things work out for you, im sure they will.

Big Hug.

Regards.

Just to clarify, we actually did get back together, and like I said things have been going really well, the guy that I had dated, wound up just using me for a piece of tail, if you catch my drift, but now , in light of what I just found, Im not so sure things are really going to be back to normal once he wakes up, Ive been stewing on this all night. If we were still broken up, Id definately agree thats stalker type material, but now, Im just ready to kill, and to think, its MY PC! thats the worst part

[edit on 9/24/2005 by denial28]

i'm surprised you used the inheritence money up so fast, especially that purchase of $10,000 for his music equipment. but, that's all in the past. what you've got to focus on, is now. obviously, you're unhappy with the situation right now, hence it'd be a good idea if the situation changed. a clean break would be ideal. i mean, keylogging someones computer, spying on them...that's very stalker-like. you'd be within all your rights to take your daughter and never see him again. obviously nothing has worked with you two living together as a couple or as just friends, so maybe you two just aren't supposed to share the same space as each other.

that's about all the advice i have...if you could even call it advice. i'm just 19...what the hell do i know lol.

Hi, this is Mrs Bull - I've hijacked him for a while.

This relationship is obviously over and the only one who doesn't seem to understand this is him. He will never understand unless you make it clear.

Firstly get a lawyer. Change all you bank account details and passwords - it does not matter that he will know that you know! and he has got to leave your house, that is the only way you will all be able to move on.

Being angry is not goig to help, you need a cool head.

Good luck

Originally posted by John bull 1
Hi, this is Mrs Bull - I've hijacked him for a while.

This relationship is obviously over and the only one who doesn't seem to understand this is him. He will never understand unless you make it clear.

Firstly get a lawyer. Change all you bank account details and passwords - it does not matter that he will know that you know! and he has got to leave your house, that is the only way you will all be able to move on.

Being angry is not goig to help, you need a cool head.

Good luck

Agreed. I would also recommend that, when you tell him that he has to leave your house and you do not wish to see him again, that you arrange for your daughter to be in the care of somebody you trust, to spare her any unpleasantness that may ensue. Also, please take somebody with you when you break it to him. Even if he's never been violent before, even if you think you know him. It has been my experience that situations such as this can provoke unexpected and violent reactions from even the most placid-seeming individual.

If there is one thing I cannot abide, it is men who are violent towards women. I have seen far too much of it and, as a result, I implore you to make sure somebody goes with you when you tell him to get out. Please, even if you think it's being silly, or it's overkill, or that it will provoke him.

Other than this practical advise, I echo the words of Mrs John Bull 1. This relationship died long ago. Staying with this ... person ... will only bring pain to you and to your daughter. Remember, kids are smart. Even if you try to stay together and play happy families for her, she will work it out. Get out, and ensure your own safety when you do.

Good luck.

This guy your back with sounds like a drain on your life. Did he at least get a job? I know its going to be tough with the kid and everything but the way you describe it this guy has no goals or direction in life. Is that the kind of person you want to end up with?

And that money!!! The money you inherited could have been used to pay for your kids college or a down payment on a new house. But how is that musical equipment holding up. Must have been some guitar or radio. I don't care if the money was a past event. A substantial amount can make your life so much easier especially with a child.

If this guy is spying on you then he shows that he has no respect or trust for you. If that is what you want hey then stay with him. And at least tell me that you bought all that stuff WITHOUT HIM ASKING. Cause quite frankly that shows he doesn't care about you or the child. Buy me this buy me that while I sit on my butt. He is a winner.

[edit on 26-9-2005 by Timcouchfanclub]

Well, that night after I posted, stayed up all night long. I racked my brain as to what I was to do. Just a sidenote, the musical equipment was an investment, hes a talented guitarist, and needed new equipment. He does have to pay me back. He does now have a job, once everything had settled some he finally grew up a bit and actually got a job, I am working at home as a web designer so things financially are starting to look up. We also have about 10 acres of proerty and a college fund already set aside for my daughter

When he woke up I confronted him, I was stewing. I told him that as he invaded my privacy, I had done the same, I sent copies of all his emails to my inbox, and proceeded to read them aloud to him. I felt this would be effective at making him feel violated, exactly as I had. Boy did he feel bad, when he heard the things he had written.

I received various apologies, and he has been banned from ever touching my pc again. it is locked up, and password protected. I have allowed him an account, and I have started spying on him,I told him about it. Should he make one wrong move, his butt is grass and Im the lawnmower.

I explaiuned to him, that I really couldnt be too mad at him for spying on me when everything was going on, Its his perogative should he choose to read something that will cause pain. I did nothing wrong and should he feel the need to torture himself, go right ahead, after all those who eavesdrop hear nothing good anyways.

I did explain that while everything was going on, ok maybe I could see his point, I have the ability to be very objective, and most of my friends consider me being a witch, because I refuse to take sides. But since I have proven that I am trustworthy and everything had been back to normal for 2 months now, he had absolutely no right to spy anymore, not that he really did in the firstplace considering it was my pc.

Well for the most part things are calm and cool around here, we have the stress of getting packed up, our lease is up at the Middle of Novemeber, so.....
In my life, it's just one darn thing after another!


Thank you all for your help! I love this place here!

Originally posted by denial28
Thank you all for your help! I love this place here!

We love you too, denial and we want you to be happy. Good luck with everything, I hope it all works out for you. You know we're here for you if you need us.

This is probably the most objective thread I have come across here, and it really means alot, thank you once again

One of the key factors in any relationship is trust.

You can't trust him with your privacy, he can't trust you with fidelity.

When you break up with someone and still keep them solidly in your life, they don't see it as a break up, simple as that.

Unless you have both TRULY forgiven each other, staying together for the kid's sake is NOT the thing to do. You may think they won't catch on, but they will.

But since I have proven that I am trustworthy and everything had been back to normal for 2 months now, he had absolutely no right to spy anymore

Sure he did. While what he did wasn't "right", you have to admit that the trust had been broken. You both need to rebuild that trust, and that's up to both of you if you really want it to work. But, that trust will take time, and longer than 2 months.... If you've nothing to hide, let him spy...it will go a long way towards building his trust, and in doing so, he'll see less of a need for it, and then it will taper off and stop, rebuilding your trust in him to respect your privacy.

Just my opinion, but I'm assuming that's why you posted, to solicit objective feedback....

Absolutely, and TBH, its actually one of the first sensible male responses I've gotten... I actually, don't care if he spies, but After getting caught up in the heat of the moment...IE..I found that he had been spying on me 10 minutes before I wrote this..The only thing I dont understand is how I broke his trust in the first part, we had been split up for a few months, and I kept my dating discreet, I didn't think it was his business, So, I'll put this question out there... Is it considered infidelity if you've made it clear to the person you don't want to be with them anymore?

He says Yeah, I say no, because we were broken up at the time and when we got back together he asked me If I had been with anyone else.

The only thing I dont understand is how I broke his trust in the first part, we had been split up for a few months, and I kept my dating discreet, I didn't think it was his business, So, I'll put this question out there... Is it considered infidelity if you've made it clear to the person you don't want to be with them anymore?

If you kept him in your life constantly after telling him that, then YES, it is infidelity, because you sent mixed signals, and didn't solidify (in his mind) that it was OVER. So, he didn't see it as an END, he saw it as a troubling time to work through. The point is (assuming you both wish to stay together), does HE see it as infidelity? If he does, then that trust STILL needs to be repaired, whether you, I, or anyone else considers it infidelity or not....

I dumped him but he still lived in this house, we tried to stay as normal as parents for our daughters sake

+

Telling him it's over

=

Completely mixed signals....

[edit on 30-9-2005 by Gazrok]