After reading through all the ATS threads regarding homosexuality, this is about the only one I've come across where I haven't felt condemned to
Hell just because of who I am.
For that, I thank all of you.
So, back to the topic at hand.
I've often wondered if there is an answer to the "why" of homosexuality - I know it isn't something I chose, If I had a choice in this matter, of
course I'd have chosen "straight" - Who wouldn't? Straight is "normal"
- it's accepted - you don't need to be told that "it's OK to
be straight", and never would you feel that burning, piercing pain in your heart when you hear how homosexuals are "sinners, perverts, pedophiles,
and ABOMINATIONS!!!!" or when it's put on the same "moral" level as murder and rape.
I don't know if I was "born" gay - does anyone know their sexual preference when they are born? No. I don't remember any specific thing that
happened that would have "turned" me gay when I was a kid - I don't ever remember being given a "choice" in the matter (who in here was asked at
the onset of puberty "straight, or gay, whatcha wanna be?", nobody) I DO know that I've NEVER been attracted to a girl in any way, form or
fashion. Nothing about their shape, scent, sound, or texture is appealing to me at all. Never has been, never will be. The way I imagine a straight
man is "grossed out" by the thought of sex with another man is how I feel about sex with a woman. No offence to women, I just don't swing "that
If there were a pill I could take or some kind of magic spell I could chant that would turn me straight, I'D DO IT IN A HEARTBEAT!!!! - I want to
know what it's like to be attracted to a female, I want to see what it feels like to be straight, to feel like I kinda "fit in" - to feel a part of
the majority. I want to know these things so I can tell if I'm a "bad person" for having the thoughts I have, or if I'm just like every other red
blooded, horny-as-hell man who just happens to be turned on by other men instead of women. I'll never know how it feels, because this is something
that I can't turn off, there's no toggle switch in the back of my head that I can just flip from "gay" to "straight".
SO - after years of grief, starting in highschool - from the denying it, being angry about it, bargaining with God to take it away from me, SEVERE
depression because I didn't know what to do to change it (dropped out of college during that one), and then finally reluctant acceptance that I am
what I am I've just got to deal with it - I started asking myself some questions :
Who should I tell? - Who CAN I tell? - Should I only tell when asked?
Will my family still accept me? Will my friends still want me around?
Is it worse to be gay, or worse to pretend to be straight when I know what I am?
Is it "bad" of me to act homophobic to avoid detection?
Is it bad to be attracted to guys when I know they can NEVER return the attraction? (this was when I thought I was "THE ONLY ONE" - growing up in
the rural south can do that to ya)
Should I procreate? - CAN I procreate? - If everyone else is here to "multiply", then what's my purpose? Was I put here to adopt the
children of "multipliers" that don't want 'em? - Do I even want to be a parent?
Will I die alone? - Who's gonna take care of me when I'm old and feeble?
IF I procreate, or adopt, will my kids have it harder since Daddy's "a fag"?
Is is bad to even think about putting a child in that situation?
Those were the questions that slapped me in the face when I finally accepted that I was gay, and I still wonder about some of them, some I can't get
out of my head - they're just stuck on a continuous loop.
Do I think that homosexuality is a way of "thinning out the herd" ? No - There's not enough of us to do that, and most of us "can" procreate,
we may just choose not to. Alot of gay people want a family, they want children, they want to go to Church and have Sunday afternoon lunch with the
family, teach their kids how to ride a bike and swim and drive a car and take pictures of their children on prom night and see them get their diploma
at graduation. Alot want to be everything that a "normal" family is, except they don't want to pretend to be in love with someone of the opposite
sex to do it.
Some say "there are MORE homosexuals these days" - but that's not true, you just know about more of them because we're getting tired of hiding.
Are there "more" straight people these days that are choosing not to get married, to not have children, to not start a family, than there used to
be? I don't know, but it's probably the same ratio as it used to be, but it's not as "unpopular" these days to say you don't want to settle
Who's to say if there's a "why"? - Who's to say there isn't? We'll never know the answer, if there's an answer, or which answer is
"correct" to those questions, at least not in this existence anyway.
Please feel free to ask me any questions, in the thread, or in a U2U - I'd love to know what people wonder about us, and I'd like to try and answer
what I can. I know I can't answer everything, since there is no one kind of "homosexual" and we don't all feel, think, act the same way, but
I'll try my best. I might even ask about some of y'all's strange "hetero" ways.