Catholic humor conspiracy?

I think we need to discuss how the nature of conspiracy affects our humor. The following joke is obviously offensive to some branch of the church, but I am not sure which one it is ...

JESUS came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.”

An old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The young lady collapsed dead.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: “Do you know, mother, sometimes you really p*** me off.”

Oh no! the conspiracy has spread, here is a joke poking fun at the denominational breakdown of the mainline churches.

WALKING across a bridge, I saw a man on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Are you religious?”

He said: “Yes.”

I said: “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

“Christian.”

“Me, too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me, too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Me, too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

He said: “Reformation of 1915.”

I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

Here`s one suggesting those of us that are christian are liars,i`m gettin offended and this has to stop!!!!


Lesson in Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

I`m offended by this one because its suggesting scientists can talk to God


One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened patiently and kindly to the man and, after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest."
To which the man replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

Netchicken...to be honest with you.....this is something christ would definately laugh about...the insanity of man choosing the easier softer truth way and life (Christ) vs Dogmatic Law of Sin and Death(pharisees, the ones that know what the Bible says but do not know what it means)

Trust me, God is not offended

This one might offend everyone even animal lovers

The Pope and The Seven Dwarfs
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

I don't find anything offensive about any of them. I did laugh my @$$ of though. Keep em coming.

This one`s making clear fun directed at Catholic`s,and its a fine example of probable truth made to sound like a joke, its a tactic i think dis-info agents like to use which is causing much of this conspiracy topic




Fish
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big son-of-a-bitch!"

The Priest says, "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" The Fisherman responds (THINKING QUICKLY), "I'm sorry Father, but that's what this fish is called - a son-of-a-bitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry", replied the Priest. "I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop. "Eminence, look at this big son-of-a-bitch!"

"Please Father", said the Bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand", said the Priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this son-of-a-bitch!"

"Hmmm", said the Bishop. "You know, I could clean this son-of-a-bitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. "Mother Superior could you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?"

"My lord, what language!", said the Mother Superior.

"No, Sister", said the Bishop. "That's what the fish is called - a son-of-a-bitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."

"Hmmm", replied Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that son-of-a-bitch tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Priest.

"And I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Bishop.

"And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you f#*@ers are alright".

This ones making fun of blonde's and i suspect they were catholic call it a hunch


Easter
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out ... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Its not a conspiracy! A few years back, there was a T.V show caled "Father Ted" It took the micky out of Catholicism. Lets hear about the characters:

Ted:Got put onto Craggy iSLAND FOR SPENDING CHURCH MONEY
jACK: an old drunk priest
Dougal: A stupid priest who thinks that you can win the chance to be a priest on food competitions!
Misses Doyle: A slave!

ll that they do is slag off the Catholic faith! Its quite funny really!

you know, some of your posts here should be moved to BTS...

maybe the reason that they are not is because your a super mod, who knows...

Originally posted by they see ALL
you know, some of your posts here should be moved to BTS...

Acutally, no it was clearly stated that it was a conspiracy. But I am sure being a super mod doesn't hurt

Originally posted by Netchicken
I think we need to discuss how the nature of conspiracy affects our humor.

So the Pope dies and gets to the Pearly gates where he meets St.Peter.

St Pete, Who are you?

Pope, Why, Im the Pope. I should be inside.

St. Pete, Well who do you Know?

Pope, Why I know the Father and the Son and the

St Pete, you know the father huh?

Pope Yes

St pete ( picking up phone) Hey Mable yeah that was a nice party the other
night, give me the Father please.

Hey Father, Got a man down here calls himself the pope says he's THE POPE,
says he knows you. You Dont? No problem Ill take care of it.

St Pete,
well the Father says he doesnt know you. You know the Son huh?

Pope why Yes

Mabel give me JC.
Hi JC ,yeah that was a nice party the other
night. Yeah I was just talking to your Dad about that. Yeah we need to do that again soon.
Hey,Got a man down here calls himself the pope says he's THE POPE,
says he knows you. You Dont? No problem Ill take care of it.
Well JC says he doesnt know you either.

The Pope getting very distressed, pacing back and forth,

St Pete
before i interrupted you you started to say you knew someone else, who was it?

Pope, Why The Holy Ghost!

St Pete, OH! You know him too?

Pope Why Yes of Course.

Mabel give me the Shadow.

Hello Shadow, yeah I was just talking to JC and The Father about that,yeah that was a nice party the other night, yeah we'll have to do it again.
Hey
Got a man down here calls himself the pope says he's THE POPE,
says he knows you. You Dont? Oh You Do?.... No problem Ill take care of it.

Well The Shadow says He thinks he knows you. He says he thinks you are
the one that has been running around the world down there spreading Lies about Him and the Virgin Mary.