Everybody Loves Simon
A SkeptiLu® Production
(Shots of various “conspiracy and aliens” stills are flashed behind the credits as the self-referential ATS-TV theme, written and performed on
piano by Randy Newman, leads us in as the live audience sings along...)
“This is the AboveTopSecret Show
Springer called me up and asked if I would write a theme song
It's got all kinds of things
Like aliens, chuds and chupas
This is theme of the AboveTopSecret Show!”
Announcer: The AboveTopSecret Show is filmed in front of a live audience augmented by laugh tracks and mind control rays.
(The lights come up on a darkened room crammed with computers and ATS-esque memorabilia, from UFO posters to alien dolls to a stuffed Bigfoot.
Against the back wall is the obligatory staircase down which the stars make their entrances, while other doors placed strategically around the set are
used for “signature” appearances and guests.)
(The crowd breaks into cheers and wild applause as SO walks down the stairs, dressed in his trademark tights, cape and mask -- and latex muscles.
He stops halfway down and shoots the crowd a twin “toy gun salute” with his fingers.)
SkepticOverlord: Who's your skeptic?
Crowd: YOU ARE!
SkepticOverlord: (Blows the “smoke” out of his “guns”.)
(Cheers and hoots as SO walks to the bottom of the stairs and looks from side to side.)
SkepticOverlord: Sprinnnnn-GER! I'm hoooooome!
(Springer pops his head up and quickly slams shut the door of a large safe as the crowd laughs and applauds.)
Springer: Oh, hi Skeptic!
SkepticOverlord: (Bobs head trying to see what Springer was doing.)
What was that?
Springer: Oh nothing, just counting our incredibly lucrative ad revenues. (Crowd chuckles.)
How did it go?
SkepticOverlord: Same old, same old. The judge ruled in our favor and AboveSopTecret.com has to stop hustling cryptozoological porn on their
look-alike website. (Looks around.)
(TC peeks out from behind a large monitor wearing a Judge Dredd helmet as the crowd goes “Woof woof woof!”)
Thomas Crowne: Right here, boss!
SkepticOverlord: And Zedd?
(On cue, Zedd bursts through a side door dressed in a NYPD uniform and leveling a customized Glock 18 with 33-round magazine and laser sight at the
audience as they shout “Bad boys bad boys!”)
ZeddicusZulZorander: Right here, chief! (Reaches into the doorway, grabs and holds up a steaming pot of black coffee.)
Just needed to make a
supply run. Thomas was getting edgy.
SkepticOverlord: (Looks at TC.)
Speaking of which, how's the catheter working out?
Thomas Crowne: (Shifts in his seat.)
Not bad, not bad. I've been on station for 16 hours straight and haven't had to leave my seat. Tell
FredT thanks for me, will you?
ZeddicusZulZorander: (Nods as he sets the coffee pot down in front of TC and takes a seat at a computer.)
Sure thing. So what's the p-troll
count up to?
Thomas Crowne: (Drinks directly from the coffee pot as if it were a cup.)
Not bad, not bad. I bagged three of 'em while you were gone. That's
seventeen this shift.
No fair! You got five of those while I was getting you coffee. Catheter or not, next time you
Thomas Crowne: (Chuckles.)
Yeah, sure Zedd. (Points at Zedd's monitor.)
A present for you.
What? You saved those three trolls for me? (Near tears.)
You... you shouldn't have. (Crowd goes
(Suddenly sirens, blue strobe lights and a fog generator kick in as the crowd goes wild.)
Announcer: Who's ready to DENY IGNORANCE?
Crowd: We are!
Announcer: What's that? I caaaaaaaan't heeeeeeeeear youuuuuuuuu!
Crowd: WE ARE!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the one, the only: Sultan of Secrecy, Master of Mystery, King of Conspiracy... Siiiimonnnnn
(The crowd goes wild as Simon makes his grand entrance in a CL55 and hops lightly out onto the stage wearing a dashing black suit and matching
derby, his eyes hidden by impenetrable black sunglasses as he nonchalantly spins a black cane in his fingers. He casually tosses the cane and derby
into the car to thunderous applause, then addresses the crowd with his calm, understated, impeccably patrician English accent.)
Simon: Right then. Are we ready to deny ignorance and all that? (The crowd screams with delight.)
Splendid. Let's get to it straightaway.
(SkepticOverlord and Springer line up next to Simon and and they do the Three Amigos Salute as the crowd chants “Amigos! Amigos! Amigos!” They
then gather around Zedd, who has his hand up.)
ZeddicusZulZorander: Guys, we have a Code Seven in BQ&B.
SkepticOverlord, Springer and Simon feign mock surprise and mouth the words in unison: A CODE SEVEN IN BQ&B?
Crowd: OHHHHHHHH THE DRAMA!
SkepticOverlord: (While leaning over TC's shoulder.)
Aw geez, not that
(SO straightens, then puts his hands on his hips and sighs while shaking his head dejectedly. Suddenly, he looks cheerfully into the
SkepticOverlord: What time is it boys and girls?
Crowd: IT'S HAMMER TIME!
(SO reaches into a closet and pulls out a huge prop mallet almost as big as he is.)
SkepticOverlord: (To Zedd.)
Send him in. (To camera.)
Time for a little “talk.” (Winks.)
(An ATS member wearing a hat made of tinfoil is pushed through a door by stage hands. SO motions him over to the “Discussion Booth” and closes
SkepticOverlord: You know, if you're willing to just chill for a bit, we don't have to do this...
ATS Troll: (Indignantly beating his chest.)
I know my rights! This is a clear violation of my Freedom of Speech! (The crowd goes
SkepticOverlord: (Shakes his head as he raises the mallet over his head.)
Don't worry, pal. Where you're going, there's all the free speech
you'll ever want.
(SO swings the mallet down on a large plastic button, causing a spring platform to jettison the troll through a specially-designed chute in the
Crowd: BUH bye!
SkepticOverlord: (Sets down the mallet.)
Well that was fun. Now, let's get to work on those ATS Neural Network cerebral implants we've been
testing on the Councilors...
Oh yes, this should be a hoot.