You wanna know something? This really makes my blood boil.
Here I am, 53 years old, and I go to my doctors as I don't feel as if I'm firing on all cylinders.
She takes my BP - ok, so it's a little high. She checks my cholesterol - ok, that's not what it should or could be either. The she checks me out top
to toe and asks me if I smoke. I answere truthfully and say NO! Of course I don't smoke - I quit a month ago!
She asks me if I drink. I answere truthfully and say only twice a week - red or white wine [a bottle] and a couple of shots of vanilla vodka [a bottle
between 2] over ice, topped up with diet lemonade.
Then she asks about my diet. Again I answere truthfully and tell her I'm on the Slimfast Diet - but forgot to mention that I do pig out on a weekend
when I drink the wine and vodka!
She looks at me and, pointing to my belly says that she reckons I'm overweight! I say rubbish, so she decides to weigh me. I weigh in at 18 1/2
stones - sorry Yanks, can't work it out in pounds.
Now dear friends, I am six foot two inches tall and have a very large frame.
When she weighed me, I was overweight by 5 1/2 stones.
Doctor tells me I must start serious dieting and exercising. I go home and am very upset. I feel very low until, I get an email from a mate who's a
police officer on the Island of Jersey. It reads:
Health Questions and Answers
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life if your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO .Cocoa beans. Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions any of you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - chocolate in one hand--strawberries in the other -- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming WOO HOO! What a