how can i help my girlfriend not feel guilty?

i have been with her for about 5 months, i love her with all my heart and want to be with her forever

she has been seperated from her husband for about 18 months. i spend a lot of my time with their 2 year old daughter

every few days or weeks, my girlfriend becomes very sad and overcome by guilt that her daughter's father is not a part of her daughter's life. she says that as much as she wants him to, she knows he wont get his act together and step in to her life by himself (he doesnt have a stable job, he has a girlfriend but wants to get back together with MY girlfriend, he also has a 7 year old son with another woman that he is no longer with) but she cant help being completely overcome by guilt

does anyone have any advice or encouragement about this? i hate seeing my girlfriend in pain like this but i am at a loss as to what i should do to help

thank you

That must be really hard for you.

I honestly don't know if there is any way for you to help her, aside of being there to listen when she is feeling down. I know that men always want to 'fix' the problem for us, but a lot of the time all we need is for you to listen to us and tell us it will all be OK.

My mom left my dad when I was 5 and 29 years later she still feels guilty that my sis and I didn't have a good father. We tell her that she was great enough to be both mom and dad, and we are glad she didn't stay with him.

I think all you can do is be there for her and support her when she is feeling down. The feelings she has are completely natural and she has them because she is a good mother. Only time will help her.

Sorry I couldn't have been more help to you.

falcon111 got to say you have earned my respect for just making this post.

You are very understanding,

It sure is a hard place for you and her,

I can understand how she feels, but i think she needs to look at it a bit different,

See If the father if this child is not the kinda guy to really take much to do with his child then him being around her will only end up being harmfull to the child, and in doing so letting the child down all the time,

To behonest you see more of a father to this little girl than he does,

Yes i can understand her guilt but she needs to see that you are there and taking the role of daddy, and im sure a better father,

Have you both approced the EX to see if he is interested in spending some time with the child?

Theres no real right answer here, and this is just my opinion, So go with what you feel,

maybe you and her need to sit down and really talk this out and see what solutions you can put on the table, maybe both working it out will be helpfull,

I totally agree with Duzey- Men do tend to want to fix our problems, and as much as we appreciate it when they do, sometimes they can't... I love nothing more than to hear my boyfriend say, "Baby, what can I do to fix it?", even when he knows he can't. I'd say just being there for her would be the best idea...

My father left our family and so I've spent all of my teen years without a father whatsoever. My mom still feels guilt about my sister and I not having a father, but luckily for her she can still be with her fiancee. Just so you know that it's not uncommon for your girlfriend to be this way...

Good luck- You're stuck in a hard spot, but I think you can handle it.

Originally posted by falcon111
does anyone have any advice or encouragement about this? i hate seeing my girlfriend in pain like this but i am at a loss as to what i should do to help

Yeah, dump her. Sounds harsh, but she's going to dump you anyway. Or she would the minute her Desperado rides back into town with a snoot full and a hankering for family time. Or the next Desperado. You're too nice. You're the transition guy. You're just there to hold her together until she decides she's ready to date jerks again.

Or I could be wrong. But I'm not.

It is sometimes difficult for me to agree with Rant but they are on to something here.

Wise up. Your time is valuable. You dont need to be taking on someone elses baggage. They need to deal with it not you.
Also agree with one of the other posters. Men tend to try to fix things for women as if it is a automatic default setting...as if..this is what men were put here to do for women..not so. Wake up and grow up. Her baggage is not your baggage.

A career in "fixing things for a woman and her kids" is not a career opportunity in a day and age when women are doing so much ..so much more than men ..multitasking too.
One of the worst things I have ever done is let women know I can use tools..it quickly graduates to unending performance requirements with many of them to do work,improvements, and maintanance for them and their kids. Often Gratis. I dont need the extra work They dont rush over here to fix my home, cars, or lawn work. I stopped doing this for women along time ago..it is unprofitable.
Fixing personal problems is much more complex and involved as people are not machines..this is why you stay out of this arena..especially with a woman who is not emotionally stable enough to make a decision and stay with it. YOu dont need to be loaded up with baggage you didnt cause.

You carry on like you are hooked on what you perceive as a drug in short supply. You must perform to stay close to your source of drugs and in her line of sight so that she doesn't overlook you and forget you are around. We often mistake this for love. If she cannot navigate her way through this one ..what will happen down the road if you are dumb enough to marry her. Do not compound your dumbness with hers. Your time and moneys are a valubable commodity in the marketplace. Dont load them up with other peoples baggage. She needs to give you something valuable in life..not her problems. Also access to sex and beauty are not it either.

In short Falcon..you do not have time for her insecuritys. Your time is valuable. Most men do not have enough confidence to tell a woman that they dont have time for her insecuritys. They are so dumb they are worried about being cut off the sex/access to beauty. Really dumb of them. Nothing dumber than a man in this arena. Whether dating or in marriage..you are looking for a woman who is secure in herself..not a wimp. Only a secure woman can be a help meet. Not a help yourself meet loading you down in your ignorance with her baggage/inabilities. You are not put here in this world for a career in rescuing. This is why it is important for you too to grow up Emotionally.
You obviously are not much more emotionally secure than her..if so how are you going to help her or survive what is coming??? They dont give makeovers for second place in this arena.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Originally posted by orangetom1999
Also agree with one of the other posters. Men tend to try to fix things for women as if it is a automatic default setting...as if..this is what men were put here to do for women..not so. Wake up and grow up. Her baggage is not your baggage.

Attention all men!!!

If a women actually wants you to fix all her problems, run as fast as you can in the other direction. This is a very bad sign for you. Don't even fix one, or it will be your new job.

I'm a woman, and even I want to slap these ladies upside the head.

You posted:

"Attention all men!!!

If a women actually wants you to fix all her problems, run as fast as you can in the other direction. This is a very bad sign for you. Don't even fix one, or it will be your new job.

I'm a woman, and even I want to slap these ladies upside the head. "

Wow!!! Duzey..are you married..do you have any sisters??????!!!!

Well done...what a dumb bunch of men we are ..pre programmed by sports to perform without thinking about the real value of our performing in the marketplace. Most of the men I know need the difibulator paddles applied around the side of their heads......or perhapsed to the sides of thier privates where their brains most often work.
I dont watch sports. Gave it up along time ago when I made the association with performance clues and cues
The woman I am seeing gets angered at the women who try to put this philosophy you describe into the workplace to get the men around them to perform so that they can have life easier. She finds ways to tighten up the screws on them or get rid of them. I am proud of her for knowing the difference. She hates the "victim" philosophy so many women constantly use. In the work place it means free passes for them and more work for the women who are really trying. She tells me the men constantly fall for it like a generation of dummys. Men really need formal classes on their dumbness.

Thanks for a great post Duzy.
Orangetom

I'm divorced, because he thought I should fix all of his problems!

I can't stand it when women try to manipulate men into doing things for them. If you need help, fine, ask for it. But don't try to slough off your work on men, just because you can. I have no respect for women like this (and not much more for the men it works on). Good on your lady for not tolerating it.

I never fail to be amazed at all the men that fall for this. I guess it's a combination of feeling needed and sex. At least that's what my male friends tell me.

It's the flip side of the nice guys finish last thing. The reason they finish last is because they go out with screwed up women that need fixing. They start off feeling needed, and end up getting used. Being a nice guy does not equate to being a doormat.

Men of the world, stand up for yourselves!!!!!

Thanks for the nice words orangetom.

You posted:

"I'm divorced, because he thought I should fix all of his problems! "

I dont have much use for guys like this either. "Wimps"

Dont get me wrong. I like to come to the breast once in a while just like any other man. I just know I cannot stay there and most women dont want a man on the breast forever. Pardon the crudity Duzey.

Sooner or later a man has to be weaned. Women too. As I posted in the site about pornography ..this conduct is obscene and pornographic if one cannot be weaned or uses non weaning as a career opportunity.

I dont come to a woman to cook for me ..I can do that ..and microwaves and other technology,prepared foods have made much of these womans roles obsolete today. Dont get me wrong Duzey..I love a good meal prepared by a woman who cares. It is just not a feature I come to a woman for.
Neither is doing laundry. I can do my own...fix the washer and dryer too..I can even use a clothes line...Imagine that Duzey??? I dont like women coming over here doing my laundry because sometimes it becomes like a role playing game...marking out territory. I can do it myself just fine.
It just astonishes me the men I know who need a woman for all of that. Wimps...every man should know how to cook,clean, iron and otherwise fend for himself. Oh..and one more thing though it may be a tall order for many ..a man should know how to not live like a pig. There are many women though who are the same way. I find this repulsive in a woman ..no matter how phat the yams are.
A man who can take care of himself is free to come to a woman for love only .. same with a woman who can fend for herself ..free to come to a man for love only ..the thing so many women complain about not having in thier lives and a concept often overlooked in the hustle and bustle and headlines of many of the womens magazines and books.

OK Duzey...Im off my soapbox now...thanks for your post .
Orangetom

Falcon, if you truly care for this woman and her child, perhaps you should take the role of father, especially if you can be devoted to them. any child can benefit greatly from a strong, loving, caring father figure. Even though you are not her biologic father, is this all that makes a man a father? A man can have a child with any woman, but being there to guide, nuture, protect them both makes you a father.

While XfilesPhan's post is very heart felt and humane...it doesnt make good nonsense long term.

Once again..you are not here to rescue. You are not in the lost puppy buisness. If this childs mother has a history of indecision and poor decision making she will transfer her baggage to you ..continually and you in your emotional insecurity will try to solve the problems for her. The question in this senerio is how much baggage has she transfered to the child whether you are there or not. Are you even mature and well grounded enough to tell if this has happened???
The commodity a knowlegable man comes to a woman for in the marketplace is Peace....not Piece. It is not access to percieved beauty..because if a woman knows nothing about bringing a man Peace ..she can be very ugly..in fact. Any woman can get on her back or knees..its not a rare or endangered commodity. Pardon the crudity.
What most women out here know so little about is Peace. How to bring and maintain Peace for a man out of her talents and career earnings. It is to much commitment for most of them, children or not. Most of them would rather have consumption rates in lieu of Peace.
This is not a womans fault per se..it is also a mans fault because the caliber of the men too is so low. They cannot think outside the sports illustrated "oil shortage" mentality. Throw in emotions and you have a truely dumb bunch of men.
Peace is a valuable commodity which will outlast any biology a woman has to offer. Women who only know about Piece will have nothing to market when the biology runs out and the clock strikes midnight. To bad that most men are so easily blindsided to this truth.
My point ,Falcon , is that a insecure/indecisive woman will never be able to bring you Peace...the most she will be able to bring you is Piece once in awhile. She will also ..sooner or later transfer the fruits of her insecurity to the child. You can do nothing to stop this. Nothing. She must grow up and make the changes to help herself. Not you ..
Your role is to grow up enough to tell if this is happening and get real value in life for your time..not ersatz ,psuedo value.
Falcon, be very careful of your emotions. They can often decieve you as to the real status of a relationship.

Thanks,
Orangetom

My friend is getting seperated and divorced from his new wife. They were married last February. He met her in church thinking she was a Godly devout woman who would be a help meet not a help yourself meet.
Immediately after the " I do's" she began putting her real plan into effect.
She tried to get him to take on and pay her debts accrued prior to marriage and tried to get him to take out loans on his house for improvements. His house was paid off after years of hard work. She knew that if he took out a second mortgage she could have access to half the home if they split.

What she was counting on in this fleecing of his assets was the ability to condition him to pick up on clues and cues from her playbook. Her problem was that like me he does not watch sports or read the sports illustrated swimsuit edition. In her arguments with him she was actually dumb enough to complain that there was something wrong with him because he doesnt watch sports.
You see...Falcon...she had made the connection with men picking up on a womans clues and cues to carry out the play they have decided on. A males preconditioning to perform on command without thinking about the consequences....ie...rescueing
Her other problem was that in her haste to get him to cross the line and get the case into court...she got too violent and he charged her with assault for smashing his head into a pantry shelf drawing blood.
My friend just got possession of his home and she has moved somewhere else. He never did take out a second mortgage for her...thank goodness. She is a 24 carat golddigger.
His mistake is not developing a filter strainer sufficient that he could filter out this kind of rubbish. His fault totally. He also thought naively that he could find a good woman in church. He did not think that there were wolves there in sheeps clothing in churchs. Really dumb of him.
Falcon ..be very careful about clues and cues to perform for a woman. With some women ..sleeping with you is just a step to more performance expectations..clues and cues. Not all women mind you ..but they do exist out there among the other wildlife.
Remember Falcon..a secure self sufficient woman is free to have a relationship with a man for "Love only " the commodity so many women claim is missing from their lives. Insecure/indecisive women cannot do this ....because they are to busy getting you to perform to make up for their indecisiveness and insecurity. Many often and mistakenly call this "love". It is not .it is consumption. They are consuming you ...your post and your concerns at the begining of this thread make this clear.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Thanks,
Orangetom

I met the "woman of my dreams" a couple of years ago, and we talked about how we would be together always, and nothing would take us apart. We're going through the divorce now. She went out and did something stupid, and then lied to me about it for awhile, and expected me to fix it. When I tried to do things other than how she wanted them done, she found ways to force me to do it her way. Fortunately, I have a very dear friend who slapped me around, and is now on her way to becoming my next wife.

Wow!! Goes to show what we often dont see on the other side of the coin when we are blindsided by our emotions.
"Ways to force you to do it her way." I call that entitlements. "I deserve it the other women dont". I dispise that kind of thinking. Another word for it is a safety net as an entitlement. You never have to worry about hitting the concrete if you can get someone else to hit the concrete for you.
I know a number of women who are running this kind of "lifestyle." The common denominator is that they cannot keep a man for long. They burn them out. Even the dumbest man, and there are huge quantitys of them out here, catches on sooner or later. They must always repeat the cycle so as not to have to question thier value system....ie ..grow up. Problem is that along this trail they are dragging their kids into this lifestyle too. Also they must keep getting guys with good potential but dumber socially than they.
Like I said...Peace...not Piece. Peace takes real commitment ..Piece does not.

Zaphod ..I salute your friend for waking you up. More men need to be awakened.

Thanks,
Orangetom

thank you for all the feedback and encouragement everyone

after some emotional and hurtful discussions with my girlfriend, she decided it would be best if i left for awhile, while she offered her husband the chance to come stay with her and take care of their daughter while (in a sense, taking my place in the life i had helped build for us).

i decided to take some of the advice given here as well as some of my own instincts and just let her do what she had to do to be happy instead of trying to fix her problems (which probly just would have made things worse)

thankfully, her husband, being the loser that he is, declined the offer once she spoke with him about it. she says now she doesnt have to feel guilty about it because she gave him a chance and he didnt want it. hopefully it lasts

i know she feels like sh*t for all the pain this situation has caused. i reassured her that i would be there for her and for her daughter forever (i've already fully commited to this relationship and to her daughter and i'm fully content with the life i have). she said she is now going to save up some money and get a divorce as well as attempt to get full custody of their daughter (which should be easy since her husband probly wont show up to court, doesnt have stable residence, doesnt have stable employement, and hasnt seen their daughter in nearly a year).

again, thank you all for listening to my situation and giving support and feedback

You did the absolute right thing, and it must have been really hard for you. I'm so proud of you.

It is good to see that she took responsibility and 'owned the problem'. I don't know what the future holds for the two of you; but from now on, you are not going to be looked at as the 'problem-solver' in the relationship. Or the bossy control freak. That's a good start.

Just don't kick in any cash for the divorce.

Congratulations to Zaphod58 on his new future wife!!!

PS Orangetom, I think the two of us could write a pretty good advice column

Glad things worked out the way they did. You put the ball in her court. Agree with Duzeys assessment too. Don't pay for the divorce. Get your life together and work on the relationship if she will have you. Dont stand for a insecure woman as a career opportunity.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Yeah, dump her. Sounds harsh, but she's going to dump you anyway. Or she would the minute her Desperado rides back into town with a snoot full and a hankering for family time. Or the next Desperado. You're too nice. You're the transition guy. You're just there to hold her together until she decides she's ready to date jerks again.

Or I could be wrong. But I'm not.

While a bit blunt, I have to agree with Rant's assessment here...and that's coming from a guy who's been Mr. Transition for years...until finally finding my soulmate.

Her daughter is 2 years old. If you and this woman are together for her childhood, she'll only know YOU as Daddy. It takes more than sperm donation to be a father. The real question is does she want him back in the kid's life or HER life? It may be a tough question, but it's one you need answered. And if it's for her, she's obviously still hung up on the loser. If it's for the kid, then you have to wonder why you're not enough to fill that role. She's the one with the issue here, but you've got to help her identify what's TRULY bugging her here, and she needs to be honest with both you and herself.

Bah...nevermind, just read your reply, doh! Oh well..