Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Je

1/In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2/Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
3/Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
4/Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
5/Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
6/The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
7/Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
8/Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
9/Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
10/The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
11/The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
12/The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
13/The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
14/Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
15/The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
16/David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
17/Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
18/When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
19/When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.
20/Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
21/St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
22/Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
23/He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
24/The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
25/The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
26/One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
27/St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
28/A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.


The Dollar Bill .............
A well worn dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty arrived at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminised about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life", the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaraunts in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise from Miami."

"Wow!", said the single, "you really have gotten around."

"So tell me", says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

"Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ...."

And the twenty says, "What's a church?"


The New Baby......................
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."



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And God created WOMAN!! .....................
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.

She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and part of your nose."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a just a rib?"



The Speeding Nun..............
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh, sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 120."



And finally!!!
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The Temperature of Heaven............
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.
Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days."

Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.
The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).
The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."
A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
[From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972]


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