News: FBI Defused Penguin Suicide Cult

Penguin Suicide Cult Discovered, Defused

ANTARCTICA - Early Tuesday morning, FBI agents ended a potentially deadly standoff with a self proclaimed suicide cult composed of 20-30 "violently insane" penguins. Reporters on the scene described the scene as "gristly" and "brutal". The FBI agents had the penguin enclave surrounded for several days and had been using various tactics in an attempt to force the penguins to surrender.

One agent described the process: "It was a truly harrowing experience. We made several attempts to get them out peacefully, first by luring them out with a trail of fish leading behind a clump of rocks, where some of our top agents were hiding with a really big net. Apparently their leader had a pretty tight control over the group, because not a soul left their fortifications. Next we tried to force them out by blaring some really annoying music." "I think it was Enya," a nearby agent quipped. The agent's final attempt was to lob in several grenades loaded with tear gas. They realized their mistake when a scientist who had been studying the group dynamics of penguins explained the situation, "Penguins don't cry. [You] morons..."

Finally, the order to take the penguins by force was given. The ice fortress was raided within seconds. The local SWAT team had been called in to reinforce the specialists the FBI had brought. Several FBI agents were hospitalized due to various fin and beak related injuries. There were no penguin casualties. The leader of the penguin cult was quoted as saying, "Squawk SQUAAAAAWK squawk squawk!" as he was led away in custom penguin shackles.

Shortly after the situation was resolved, the president proclaimed, "Our soldiers have performed their duty, keeping penguins safe from malign brainwashing leaders." Several Penguins' Rights groups clashed on the issue of the penguin's right to die.

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