One of the Worst Movies Ever!

I just finished watching Exit Wounds, and that is one of the worst movies I've ever seen! I included the commentary that took place while watching it. I would pause it (why the heck I did that, I dunno...Maybe because I was worried about losing another point to make fun of the movie on). This is the commentary I sent a friend. I even mentioned I'd be tellin' y'all because I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. Mods, if you need me to sign or fill anything out for the large quote I'm about to use, I'd be happy to. This is all a gmail "conversation", so I own all rights to it. My buddy would probably sign something, too, but I have deleted all of his posts, so only I mention him. If you're gping to read it, read it from the bottom up. For some reason, when I copied the emails from gmail, they were in the opposite order from which I saw. The newest are at the top, oldest at the bottom. Don't feel like formattimg, so if you want to complain, U2U me. Here's the play by play:

What the...They set up the taser scene and never went there... Odd....


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter wrote:

Segal made good with the chief, accepted his partner, DMX's bro is freed...Wow, what an incredible ending. Really. Wow. That was amazing. What a great movie. I wish I could get my two hours back. Yet, about 6 minutes into it I knew it would suck...Suppose I can only blame myself.


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected] > wrote:

...No taser scene, and DMX took out supercop...WTF....


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter wrote:

Wow, they did one thing right. Segal threw the chopper's ladder around some pipe in the roof, but the chopper didn't crash as a result. Somehow the ropes of the ladder broke and our semi-arch villan is falling now. Doubt he'll die, but the chopper didn't crash because of it. I'm a bit suprised by this one.


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

You know, I was hoping more for this final battle showdown. This is pathetic...AND THE VILLIAN GETS A ...Sprinkler to the head!

Oh, wait, this is setting up the taser scene I'll bet. Current will pass through the water, and take out the bad guy, just as he's about to shoot our pathetic hero, Segal...


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

FYI, this is all going on Above Top Secret. I don't want anyone to go through the pain I just went through (and will still be going through until it ends) and need to share this commentary.


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Naturally there's a chopper waiting...


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter wrote:

Jeeze! They did a sword grab move and they didn't even have the decency to use the palm catch! The bad guy simply grabbed the sword with both hands, pushed it away, and came away without a cut.


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Sword fight has wires and everything. Rifle battle didn't last as long, because that was the sidekick battle.


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Looks like super evil cop is about to learn DMX a lesson in gun fighting -- without any bullets. We have a sword fight on one end, and a shotgun fight without ammo on the other side. How could this movie get any worse? Wait and find out, I have high hopes for this one.


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected] > wrote:

Oh my gosh, we have a sword fight.


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter wrote:

Oh my gosh! There's another shocker! You know how they, typically in Hollywood, will repeat an explosion from multiple angles? Well, in this movie every car that is bumped or shot blew up, so they had to think of something else. Segal avoided someone shooting him by using a fire extinguisher from multiple angles. That was AWFUL! I'm still waiting for the taser scene...


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

And now, of course, all the "real" police backup from his old job show up, because Segal knew, despite any reasoning from the movie, that his old boss was the mastermind. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Whoop, less than that, it's the disgruntled "I been laying my life on the line for the force for far too long" cop.


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Before it goes there, Orrin Hatch...Er, Segal, just called his old boss for backup. His boss showed up by himself, and said he didn't know who to trust. I'm going to go out on a limb now, and say he's the mastermind. Call me crazy...Expect an email in about 5 minutes confirming this...


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

These people are amazing with pistols! In a high speed chase, no bullet is more than 5 inches from it's target!


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

That is, by far, the best handling Range Rover I've ever seen!


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected] > wrote:

Yep, romantic interest at the final showdown, it looks like. She gonna be shot. Not killed, though, the romantic relationship hasn't developed enough yet.


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Slightly unexpected, our sympathetic villian turned out to be trying to set up the dirty cops. I expected he had been blackmailed.


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

DUDE! One highlight -- a fight scene was done to the song from Heat at that awesome gun battle! It made me think of heat, so this scene is awesome.

Watch SLC Punk, even if you have to order it online or get your ass back to Illino-wah. That movie kicks ass!


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

There must be Ford Pintos all over the place...Accidents resulting in explosions all over the place!


On 7/21/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Car doors open one scene, next scene they're closed. Dude's hitting a bunch of cars right after the door closes, though it should have been ripped off. This movie must have been written by a complete genius and directed by a bigger one.


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Oh, by the way, they made a comment about what people think about "Uncle Toms". You know, African-Americans who work with the system instead of killing cops to make their money.


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

hehe Every suit DMX could choose from was blue to black, except for one red one. Guess which one I guessed he would wear, and guess which one he wore?



On 7/20/05, Jake Winter wrote:

Segal, who couuld take 50k volts, could take a chair busted over his head, could take several broken bones without missing a day of police work, was somehow knocked out by an airbag.

On 7/20/05, Jake Winter wrote:

DMX has some horrible tatoo on his back. All the scenes which show his back block out everything but an "ER"


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Whoop, we just found out his brother is his brother (DMX, the sympathetic hero)


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected] > wrote:

Whoop, 'nother surprise...The "good, nice" cop is the super villian whom was talked abbout in an earlier email. Of course, I had no idea he would be the villian.


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter wrote:

And the dude's name is Orrin.


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

And Steven showed up at the date, and is now asking about why she's datin' this guy. I think he's about to sing "You've lost that loving feeling"


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Yep, think I gotta call, I'm at that stage of drunkenness, and realized I needed a smoke. Tomorrow when you're reading this, you'll understand the phone call.

Did I mention this movie is terrible? I think I may watch the storm...Rain is far more exciting...


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Oh my gosh! I didn't think it would go this south! The rich white conservative dude is the guy the romantic interest is currently dating! Will they not use a cliche in this movie? They may not. They may not have the hero's child killed by the criminal right before the big showdown since the hero ain't got no kids.

Why am I still watching this?

On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Wow. Cop is the super villian. Let me try to recover from my shock...Wait, that's not shock, that's boredom.


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

I was right, we got some Street Fighter action going on here. Actually, we have som My Hero action goin' on, if you remember that game. Segal punched Mr. Sumo, and he flies horizontal for about 10 feet before breaking through...You guessed it, plate glass windows.


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

More to come, I'm sure, I just started drinkin'


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter wrote:

Segal throws some dude into some chains, and he busts em all down. Segal gets thrown by some huge sumo dude, bounces off the same chain setup. Wow, isn't Steve strong?


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Wow! Some dude has mind bullets! Didn't expect that!


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Gratuitous strip club scene...


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter wrote:

And now the villian setup:

"Him [a cop]? I heard he once pulled a rabid doberman off a little kid and killed it with his bare hands. He went undercoiver with the KKK and took out an entire cell all by himself."

You know, I don't always mind cliche movies, but this...


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

And the 9 year old hostage is remarkably calm running through sprays of gunfire coming from two guys (one of which Segal missed when taking aim from about 10 yards away, so I'm sure that one's important) as Segal leads her, standing, I might add, to the emergency exit

Uhg, this movie is something awful!


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

And! And he's a dead on shot when looking the other way when shooting a little gloc pistol from about 100 yards. Good thing that guy ducked away, because the little cloud of dust was right where his head was!


Oh, by the way, this movie is terrible!

On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Now there's a taser contest, and Segal's about to participate, it looks like. I guess we're setting up for the final battle, eh?

Oh yeah, by the way, this movie is terrible.


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

So this dude is going after Segal with a circular saw after trying to shoot him in the head. Almost cuts him in half several times, but naturally Segal subdues him. As soon as he gets him cuffed, the guy trying to kill him explains that he's a cop, so Segal gets demoted to traffic cop.

Did I mention this is a terrible movie?


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Why am I still watching this? I thought it was bad, and guess who showed up? Tom #ing Arnold! This is AWFUL! And I have Die Hard right here, and I'm not putting it in! What is wrong with me?!


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Oh my gosh, this movie is terrible!


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter wrote:

So I'm watching Exit Wounds (I know, but I got it with Collatoral Damage for $14, and I think that movie is hilarious), and you know what? Steven Segal is a horrible actor! Even beyond the words, even beyond the martial arts (which is debatable), he's terrible, and I think I finally put my finger on it. He acts like he's the big man, like he's important, deadly, and all that, and it shows. He acts like it. There are people, like Bruce Willis or ... can't think of his name, where the tough, confident, and dangerous walk and attitude appears to come across naturally. Like they're really self confident, and they don't have to act like it. Jet Li's like that, too. I figured out why I really can't stand Steven Segal's acting -- he's a bully. He tries to act so tough, and it's super apparent, when you study that little wuss, that he doesn't feel the part at all. It's all a show, and it comes through.

Just thought I'd share that with you...I think I may watch Die Hard instead -- got all three of them for $20, and I would have paid that for the first movie. Whoop. You know, I like Bruce Willis. Even in...Crap, whatever that name of the movie is where he's the world's greatest cat burgler and it got horrible reviews but I enjoyed it...Hudson Hawk, that's it. (didn't feel like deleting, that would require time or the mouse). Even in that movie he had that demeanor, though he tried to hide it slightly behind a comical front. Way to go, Bruce, you kick ass!


On 7/20/05, Jake Winter < [email protected]> wrote:

Yeah, Heard about Scotty. As to Rockstar...Idiots. If there's legislation over this...Grr. Leave my damn video games alone.

SLC Punk, dude, just found it at Best Buy. Punk, punk on!

No, the worst movie ever made is Death to Smoochy.

I was on the verge of suicide.

Ummmm HELLO!!!!!

You must be thinking of Howard The Duck; that my friends is the worst movie ever....

No,i think the worst one is,a recent version of The Wor Of The Worlds.It's out on DVD,and stars a bunch of unknown actors.Ogilvy,the Astronomer,is some old geezer,with a cane,who spends most of his time running around the town.Then the newspaper man tries it,presumably to see who is faster. When the sylinder on Horsel Common opems,it seems like the 25th century Teletubbies,sorry,the Martians,were having trouble getting their fishing poles,sorry,tentacles out of the can,er,ship.Then the heat ray device,looking awfully similar to my ex's cosmetic mirror,starts warping amd shaking,almost to the point of being broken,by this 25th century TinkieWinkie.The effects are all,super imposed,so these people on the edge,hit by the heat ray,just dance around in the super imposed flames, saying "OOh,Aaaagh" before turning into plastic skeletons,that sertainly have more acting capabilities,since they start really,writhing in agony,not realising that they are already dead!Damn,to think i spent ten bucks on this DVD.That's about an eigth of a tank of gas!! :w:

[edit on 08/09/2005 by britcitusa]

Originally posted by britcitusa
No,i think the worst one is,a recent version of The Wor Of The Worlds.It's out on DVD,and stars a bunch of unknown actors.Ogilvy,the Astronomer,is some old geezer,with a cane,who spends most of his time running around the town.Then the newspaper man tries it,presumably to see who is faster. When the sylinder on Horsel Common opems,it seems like the 25th century Teletubbies,sorry,the Martians,were having trouble getting their fishing poles,sorry,tentacles out of the can,er,ship

.Then the heat ray device,looking awfully similar to my ex's cosmetic mirror,starts warping amd shaking,almost to the point of being broken,by this 25th century TinkieWinkie.The effects are all,super imposed,so these people on the edge,hit by the heat ray,just dance around in the super imposed flames, saying "OOh,Aaaagh" before turning into plastic skeletons,that sertainly have more acting capabilities,since they start really,writhing in agony,not realising that they are already dead!Damn,to think i spent ten bucks on this DVD.That's about an eigth of a tank of gas!! :w:

[edit on 08/09/2005 by britcitusa]

I seen that movie, gosh it was bad. I heard it was that guy's first movie he made and he histroy for making such a horrible movie. I will never buy a movie from the Pendragon Co again. When I saw that movie, I just wanted to :bnghd:. The other movie that comes 2 place on my worst movies ever list is Attack of the Killer Tomatos.

Attack of the Kille Tomatoes was sooo cool nah j/k it was sooooo crap it was funny.

Oh ...Uncle Credit is not a fan of the "great martial art master" ...hmmm...whats his name ?? ....oh yeah ...Steven Seagal... have you noticed he can hardly move ???

If you watch a Steven Seagal movie voluntarily, you get no sympathy from me

Ok, ok, "Under Siege" was at least entertaining. Probably cos Gary Busey was there too.

My nomination for worst movies ever are:

Battlefield Earth
Cool As Ice
It's Pat: The Movie

But Jake? You're right. That movie brings an entirely new meaning to the word "atrocious".

Some of my recent 'winners':

Invitation: I was laughing too much to be scared - One guy wins the Oscar award for acting with his 'eyebrows' - Hammy just doesn't describe it.

Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill - So bad my brain actually shut off midway and I have no recollection of those lost two hours.

Category 6: Day of Destruction - I usually love these types of movies, but the caliber of actors in this turkey was worse even than Earthquake and that is classic 70s turkey!

Just Married: my head really hurt after this deplorable thing they called a film. I physically felt ill every time Britney Murphy started crying, whining, pouting or hell even just appeared in a scene.

The WORST film of all however is the God awful 'While Dreams may Come' - 20 minutes into it I could no longer feel my limbs. Seriously, I was begging to be put out of my misery. At least with Howard the Duck you could almost laugh it off when the girl was trying to seduce the duck. In this Robin Williams disaster I was so numb from the banality of the concept, the idiodicy of the script and the colours!! The hideous garish colours!!! I am getting serious flashback. This thing should be listed under the Geneva Convention's list of worst things to do to a prisoner.

Worst movie ever...
The Cable Guy. Jim Carrey would not even help market the movie because it was that bad :shk:

The ultimate worst movie ever........The dukes of hazard Jessica whatsherface is just too stupid for her own good, she doesnt even cut it in the music indusrty so why try acting. Johnny knox(sux)ville has no reason what so ever to even breathe, what a waste of skin, the guy makes a pathetically stupid moronic movie and then gets thrown into major films, the talent is declining at a rapid rate. The other guy is just a tool. Daisy duke was not blonde, bo and luke were not complete morons, this film sucked and blew at the same time:bash:

Nope...nope...

The Stupids is absolutely the worst movie on the planet.

Starring Tom Arnold (kind of says it all right there)...

I actually went to see this when it was out (I'd only seen a snippet preview, and I knew it was about spies or something. I also went to a lot of movies in those days).

Anyhoo, my buds and I were the only ones who stuck it out. Everybody else literally left the theater. I'd never seen anything like it. We stayed out of morbid curiousity. You kept thinking, it simply can't get any worse....but yet, it did, and then did, and then did again.

Most horrendously bad movie, EVER!

You must be thinking of Howard The Duck; that my friends is the worst movie ever....

Howard the Duck is Oscar-worthy compared to this tripe!

[edit on 19-9-2005 by Gazrok]

I saw the preview and I wanted to be castrated immediately... THE MASK 2

also Battlefield Earth, Rocky V, and every movie listed here

www.imdb.com...

The stupids was a ?Stupid? Movie obviosly, but Tom Arnold singing, ?I'm My Own GrandPa?, catchy tune. I still catch myself singen it sometimes lol. Yes i am pathetic

Honestly, I saw it only like a day after it opened, I was in the mall, and bored. There were about 30 other people in the theater, and most walked out within 10min, the rest only made it about 5min more! Then it was just me and some buddies...

Originally posted by Gazrok
Honestly, I saw it only like a day after it opened, I was in the mall, and bored. There were about 30 other people in the theater, and most walked out within 10min, the rest only made it about 5min more! Then it was just me and some buddies...

I sure hope you played MST3K when watching it after the theater cleared out! I know me and a buddy of mine did when we watched Batman & Robin (the one with Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy).

Worst? Star Wars E1 was horrible compared to the rest of the series.

The new National Lampoon Movies, anything that doesn't have Vacation attached to it has sucked recently. All they are are boob fests and bad sex jokes. No problem with boobs, but still, if I spend money on a movie I want to be entertained.

Originally posted by Full Metal
Worst? Star Wars E1 was horrible compared to the rest of the series.

The new National Lampoon Movies, anything that doesn't have Vacation attached to it has sucked recently. All they are are boob fests and bad sex jokes. No problem with boobs, but still, if I spend money on a movie I want to be entertained.

I dunno, I'm not really into the boob fest flicks, but I thought Van Wilder was pretty funny. Had a lot of T & A jokes, but tere was a lot of funny in that movie, I thought.

SWE1, though, sucked. Royally. Royal Nabooly.

No doubt, Phantom Menace (even the title sucked) was the worst Star Wars movie, but that still ranks it higher than some of the other crap mentioned so far, hehe....

Seriously, if you get the chance, rent the Stupids... You'll never believe a movie could be that bad... You'll be pissed you spent $4, but you'll truly know the bowels of Hollywood....

Anyone seen Mel? It's directed by John Travolta's bro Joey. That doesn't make it any better. It has got Ernest Borgnine in it though. He makes the movie what it is.

It's about an alien turtle thing that eventually flies and talks!

I'm not so sure it is the worst movie ever now. It made me laugh so much it was pretty entertaining!

best quote in the movie courtesy of Borgnine - "Clean cut" (little pause and hand rub of a tree stump) "Son of a Garrrzaagggg!!!"

I have also found this on imdb.com:

"I am a longtime fan of Greg Evigan,
I just bought this movie. I found it very entertaining. The scenery was just incredible. The entire cast of Mel was excellently scripted and the story line was really unique. I enjoyed this movie tremendously. It was great to see Greg's two oldest children, Vanessa and Jason in the movie with their real life Dad. I will watch this movie over and over, it is truly timeless and recommend it highly to anyone who loves outdoor adventure movies, with no violence. A1+ movie. I give it the highest rating."

The sad thing is I don't think the author is even joking.:shk:

Seriously though. Watch it. Judge for yourself.