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Email from a customer:
I've bought a stolen CDD3610 which didn't come with any software or cables. Could you please send that to me? I presume I do have the full 12 months warranty?
* Tech Support: "Ok, ma'am, I need you to do a ctrl-alt-del."
* Customer: "How do I do that?"
* Tech Support: "Push and hold 'ctrl' and 'alt' at the same time, and then hit 'delete'."
* Customer: "Where are those?"
* Tech Support: (explains the location of the keys)
* Customer: "Nothing happened."
* Tech Support: "Try again."
* Customer: "Still nothing."
A minute or two later....
* Customer: "Should I turn my computer on? Would that help?"
* Tech Support: "Yeah, it might."
# Me: "I was thinking of installing Linux, but I was wondering if you knew if the modem works under Linux."
# Tech Support: "Oh, I'm sorry, we only support Windows."
# Me: "I know. I was just wondering if you knew if it was possible."
# Tech Support: "But we only support Windows."
# Me: "I know, but just to save me some time, have you heard of anyone that got Linux to work with the modem?"
# Tech Support: (getting annoyed) "Why can't you just use Netscape?"
# Me: "Uh, wha? It's not a browser, it's a--never mind. Thanks for your help."
I own a computer store. One day, two policemen came into the store and told that they owned a 486 and a 286. They asked if a 486 and a 286 could be assembled together into a 686. I replied to the dumb request by asking them if two 200 horsepower police cars can be used to make up a 400 horsepower Ferrari. The policemen didn't get it and replied angrily that altering car engines is strictly forbidden by law.
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
I had just completed a test install of a LAN-based remote control tool, when a VERY dependant secretary called my office. She calls me way too often to have me show her how to do very basic things. Her boss, "Don," insisted that "Tess" did not need special training, only my occasional assistance. That day, Tess was frustrated while trying to learn how to use the thesaurus feature in Word 97. I recommended that she use the Help Assistant to learn. She was unaware of how the assistant worked; an idea came to mind.
* Me: "Go to 'Help' and choose 'Microsoft Word Help'."
* Her: "Ok. A little paper clip came up. Ha ha!"
* Me: "Now, see the text box? Keep your eye on it, and tell me what it says."
* Her: "'Hi...Tess.... So you want...to learn about...the thesaurus...today?'"
* Me: "Now say 'Yes.' Don't type it."
* Her: "'Yes.'"
* Me: "Now what does it say?"
* Her: "First...I must suggest you...read 'Word 97...for Dummies.'"
* Me: "Ask where it is."
* Her: "Where is it?" (pause) "It says it is in my cabinet above my desk."
* Me: "Oh, good. Always trust the Help Assistant. You will be proficient very soon. Now the assistant knows you are going to get smarter, so it will now want you to type your questions in that box."
* Her: "Hey Don, I can talk to my computer!"
* Me: "Gotta go!" (click)