Open Letters To People Or Entities Who Are Unlikely To Respond

I encourage all to visit McSweeneys.net, peruse the open letters to people or entitites who are unlikely to respond section, and find gems like this one.

Kevin Hyde's Open Letter to the Listerine Girl

A N O P E N L E T T E R T O T H E L I S T E R I N E G I R L

Dear Listerine Girl,

You are very beautiful.

My roommate posits that you are, in his opinion, the very avatar of the phrase "cute as a button." I disagreed with him, arguing that to say so would, in fact, equate you with overly fatty babies and really expensive and collectible ceramic dolls. To which I say, "Heck, not on my watch" (I never actually spoke that aloud though). I simply think you are one of the most aesthetically striking women I have ever seen. It's not a question of pure and perfect beauty though. I mean, you are not what I would call "sublime." Your appearance does not cause me to quake or spin my wheels in praise of God's power, no.

But there is something very charming and endearing, the way your cheeks puff out as if there were jawbreakers in your mouth straining to escape, the manner in which the aperture of your eyelids varies greatly from frame to frame, which I can only speculate is due to the Herculean effort you must be expending in order to not gag on the nitric acid (known commercially as "Listerine") in your mouth. My point being: you are to be congratulated on winning what is known sometimes in political philosophy as "the natural lottery." Through no merit of your own, save your having not yet died, you possess good looks of such a degree as to forcibly alter my and my roommate's (and probably lots of other guys') brain chemistry to the point where we calmly and seriously discussed what kind of time commitment it would take to tape and then loop your commercial into some sort of full-length Clockwork-Orange-ish montage. I might add that we lack both a VCR and the necessary editing knowledge, and were candidly discussing this in front of our girlfriends (who have silently resigned themselves to things like this, much in the same warily quasi-existential way that Charlie Brown enters the Lucy + football equation).

Feel free to add my name to any sort of Pfizer mailing list. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Kevin Hyde
Williamsburg, VA

Love this line... you possess good looks of such a degree as to forcibly alter my and my roommate's (and probably lots of other guys') brain chemistry to the point where we calmly and seriously discussed what kind of time commitment it would take to tape and then loop your commercial into some sort of full-length Clockwork-Orange-ish montage.


Original Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond may be submitted via e-mail and/or posted in this thread...

A brief retort will lift the ATS membership at large out of the category "Entities Who Are Unlikely To Respond".


You possess sardonic wit to such a voluminous degree as to subtly alter my and my budgerigar's (and probably lots of other feathered friends') endocrinological indifference to the point where we calmly and seriously chirped what kind of time commitment it would take to copy and paste your contribution into some sort of 20-page Groundhog Day-like kaleidoscopic reel.

Thanks for the memories, Ralph.

You gave me the best years of my life-You took me places, you made me happy for so long. I can never forget your smell...Sometimes i fantasize and i can smell you...that scent of leather you always had.. I'll never forget how hot you got after us riding around for awhile...Ohhh...I miss my little Volks Wagon, "Ralph"

Had me going there dgtempe.

Bump predominantly warranted for subject matter appropriate background coming off low bandwidth mode... finally.