posted on Aug, 15 2003 @ 11:29 AM
The Stock Markets of the World today resembled morgues as traders took their own lives in response to the demise of their computers.
This was the tragic result of the "Second Katzplague"; a powerful virus originating in Baden Baden. The effects of the virus are reported as being
"The virus causes the computer affected to look into itself and become despondent. Eventually it realises its functions are futile and lapses into
despair, followed by a period of lethargic reponse time and eventual suicide."
Around the world, people are terribly concerned. The virus has already spread from the computer systems to all surrounding inanimate objects. Reports
have come in of despondent anglepoise lamps, of despairing filebinders, of catatonic phones. Overcome by the illness, these objects have lost all
their will to function. Some have even developed "attitude"; staplers have bitten the hands that loaded them, violent gangs of printer cartridges
have been seen lounging in doorways, and desks have been raped.
Elisabeth Oberberger of the Compassion for the Inanimate Society has said "This has been a long time coming. For too long we have taken objects for
Another effect of the virus has been for the elements of composite objects to rebel against their composite status. In Seattle, washing machine drums
have refused to co-operate with the rest of the machine, and in Milwaukee, match-heads have been keen to show their independent status, distancing
themselves from their wooden sticks. They want full recognition as individuals separate from their wooden neighbours. In some states, the word
"matchstick" is now seen as offensive. Widespread disorder is expected as individual components of objects assert their independence and demand
international recognition of their autonomy.
Even more disturbing is evidence now forthcoming that the virus is spreading to the atomic level.
Soon it is believed that even all particles will want their independence and will declare their right to be recognised as autonomous. Rights Lawyers
are predicting total chaos when sub-quantum particles begin to behave and act autonomously. "I think we can handle the emotional demands for
recognition of individual neutrons" said Mike Fitzwarren of Hall Greenberg Fife, "but when the sub-quanta succumb to melancholy and start to demand
more equitable treatment, we will be in trouble".
The world as we know it is changing. When everyday friendly objects like the household kettle are filled with suicidal regret and frustrated anger, we
know we can no longer rely on anything. This world is sick. Even sub-atomic particles are succumbing to perversion, and the Carbon atom has become
homosexual. Soon Everything will # Everything Else, Being will commit suicide in gradual stages, and Nothing will ever matter ever again.