Late Cochran to defend Tom Cruise's squirt pistol bandit

I know Johnnie C. is dead, but WHAT IF HE WASN'T???

(if you haven't seen footage of the guy squirting Cruise in the face with a squirt pistol microphone, I'm sure it's somewhere online)
If you've seen the Cochran character in "Seinfeld" or even SNL, use that voice for J.C.)

*in a high-prophile L.A. courtroom*

J.C.: "What did my client do to you? What was it that he did?"
Tom: "He squirted me with water."
J.C.: "My client squited you with water?"
Tom: "Yes."
J.C.: "How did my client squirt you with this water?"
Tom: "It came out of a microphone."
J.C. : "You say the water came out of a microphone?"
Tom: "Yes."
J.C.: "I've never seen that happen! Was this a regular microphone? Or would you say it was a special modified microphone?"
Tom:"It was modified."
J.C.: "Are you accusing my client of modifying a special microphone for the purpose of squirting you with water?"
Tom: "Yes."
J.C.: "Where's the proof? Did you see him modify this special water squirting microphone?"
Tom: "No."
J.C.: "I'm sorry, my ears are bad. Could you speak up and say that again please?"
Tom's lawyer: "Objection your honor!"
Judge: "Overruled. Would the plaintiff please answer the question?"
Tom: "No."
J.C.: "No what?"
Tom: "No, I did not see your client modify the microphone."
J.C.:" If you didn't see my client modify the super special modified water-squirting microphone, then how do you know he did? How do you know that some else didn't secretly modify his normal microphone into a microphone modified for the special purpose of squirting water? Can you prove that?"
Tom: "Uh. I guess..."
J.C.: "What?"
Tom: "No. I guess I can't prove that.."
J.C.: "What did you do after this water allegedly splashed in your face from a specially modified microphone?"
Tom: "I held your client's hand."
J.C.: "You held his hand? Why would you hold his hand? Did you know this man? Was he your special lover? Did he ask you to hold his hand? Did you think he wanted to cross the street?"
Tom: "No."
J.C.: "You're sure my client didn't grab your hand? Was it his idea to hold hands?"
Tom:"No."
J.C. : "Oh, so you just got some water on your face and as a consequence decided to reach out and grab my client's hand without his permission is that what you're saying?"
Tom: "Yes"
J.C.: "I see. Well then, special ladies and gentleman of the esteemed jury, you must find my client innocent. He did not modify the super secretly modified water-squirting microphone. He would not and could not do that. He was just as surprised and frightened as anyone else standing by the magic red carpet who was surprised and frightened by this strange and unexpected water appearing before him. And the plaintif then took actions that scared my client further and unneccessarily causing him unwanted distress to his system. My client did not commit assault! He didn't spit on Mr. Cruise. There wasn't any spit. No spit. Not one spot of spit. Listen to me. You must acquit. No spit you must acquit. Nothing further your honor. I rest my case."

Hey, I avoided the obvious "you can't handle the truth."

I wrote this for an e.mail and had to do something with it.



[edit on 28-6-2005 by 2nd Hand Thoughts]

[edit on 28-6-2005 by 2nd Hand Thoughts]