Work-Life And Family-Life Not Mixing: Need Advice

My life at present is the product of Nepotism...

And my father and I serve as an excellent example of why it is a policy strictly enforced by many businesses...

Oh - We get our work done in the office....It's the off-time...The time spent at home together that gets beneath my skin....

First thing to understand is, he's retired army - He has the ability to turn the softest and most gentile phrase into a barked order....Even the way he calls my name makes me clench my fists...

Second thing to understand is that I'm stubborn and don't like sucking up my pride to kiss corporate ass....I'm not a desk job kind of guy and I'm in a desk job kind of world....

I have no room to express my creativity except for the very rare Photoshop layouts or designing I do - Something I'm praised for when it's completed but forgotten for when the next project comes around....

I have little patience or desire for understanding accounting procedures and proofing your place of business for an audit - Just not my cup of tea - All seems too fabricated a reality for me to grasp...But grasp it I must, as my primary job duties revolve around it....

When the subject of work gets brought up at home, something I NEVER bring up myself, things usually end up into a heated argument where he tries to come down on me from every side...

I do this wrong - I do that wrong - You should come in earlier - I need this and this by so and so...why haven't you started on it...

Believe me when I say that I would fine use for it if his criticism had any merit, but usually it's just him getting so irate that he begins to nitpick on the smallest of imperfections that he wouldn't dare bring up during downtime with any other employee - That is, if it weren't his own son....

It's starting to break our relationship apart....We can still get along when work is not of concern, but it seems that's rare these days, and it's driving me mad...My mother supports me in general, and knows far too well of his short tempered army habits...

I'm not quite financially stable enough to make my own car payments AND rent....So right now, I've got a free room and a car to pay for, along with my consolidated loans I'm paying off....Money is tight....

A new job seems to be the only answer, but I still have time I need to put in at the office - It simply wouldn't be right for me to leave at the present state - I'd say another 3-4 months....

In the meantime, while I'm job hunting, can some of you who maybe have been there offer me some advice on how to keep this situation in check? I love my father, and we've had great times together when these issues weren't so forefront in our lives...

My patience is at an end and I told him today in the argument we had that spawned this whole plea for help that if he can't drop the work conversations at home, I'm liable to blow up and go mad.....Not something I want to see myself do - I don't know what I'm capable of, but I can tell you that when a 6 foot, 250 lb man goes insane, nothing pretty happens....

My dad is the same way. He's a head football coach at a college. He finds the littlest things and makes them big deals. Which annoys me so much and I really can't do anything to stop him. I just ignore it and sometimes laugh at him i nmy head when he says things like "Get off the computer and go watch some TV!" Other times he's great but he almost always finds something to yell about.

I have never been in your shoes and it sounds like a difficult pair of shoes to wear, living with your boss. I think your dad is probably harder on you than others and whether he recognizes it or not, I don't know. He probably thinks he is just making you more aware and educating you on the business and life. But advice on occassion is one thing but when it is given in that tone of voice your Dad is using and constant it would upset anyone.
The ony thing I can think of is to draw up a written agreement between the two of you that you both can agree on and both of you sign it, whether that would work of not I don't know. Good Luck! I think you are going to need it.

Hey bud,

I know this sounds simple, but did you ever mention that you need to be "on the clock" in order to discuss work? How many regular hours do you put in?
Start adding up the after-work hours..show him the amount of time spent talking about work, though, not actually AT work.

Have you ever asked him if it would be appropriate to talk about family things, (excessively) while at work? I would think not.


You just can't feel like you are at work ALL the time..it gets old..Freetime, and worktime, both suffer in the end..

Originally posted by EnronOutrunHomerun
I can tell you that when a 6 foot, 250 lb man goes insane, nothing pretty happens....

Not sure about that... some of the finest works of art are produced by people who cathartically release such frustrations and greater onto the canvas of their choice.

But it would be better to see a theme of "Escape from nepotism 2005" than "Going postal".

Originally posted by cpr12r
"Get off the computer and go watch some TV!"

WTF

That makes perfect sense!

Originally posted by MaskedAvatar
Not sure about that... some of the finest works of art are produced by people who cathartically release such frustrations and greater onto the canvas of their choice.

But it would be better to see a theme of "Escape from nepotism 2005" than "Going postal".

...Well put....I suppose that could also be an extra source of income eh? Well...Perhaps after death...

Thanks for the input everyone ....It eases my mind to know I've got a place to come to when I'm down and out and need some advice from some great people - I'm usually the one having to psycho-analyze all my friends here in town, so asking for their advice is like letting open a can of worms

Hehe....I see you have a very similar situation cpr - Drives ya nuts huh? They're always right and you're always wrong....

goose
He probably thinks he is just making you more aware and educating you on the business and life. But advice on occasion is one thing but when it is given in that tone of voice your Dad is using and constant it would upset anyone.

You hit the nail on the head here...He always has good intentions, but he always expresses them in such an accusatory manner that I can't help but to express my opinion on the matter in the same tone....

It's funny you mention writing out a contract/agreement between the two of us - It reminds me of "The Clean Kitchen Act" I passed when living with 3 other roommates ....It's a good in theory, but I just don't think it would work out too well.....

As simple as it is, the most logical possibility I see far is the one offered by spacedoubt - Thanks man....

Common sense often fails me....I usually take it for granted that everyone knows the difference between right and wrong...

I think the best way for me to handle this would be to summarize my thoughts into a succinct and polite hand-written letter....Including the suggestion that we keep our work-life and home-life separated....It works out for both of us in the end and makes perfect sense - Besides, I'm less likely to raise my voice or storm out of the room at the office if he wants to confront me about something.....

Well - Again...Thanks for the much-needed advice everyone

I just thought of something else.

Rent "The Great Santini" one night.
watch it together
I think the father/son dynamic is similar..

In the meantime, while I'm job hunting, can some of you who maybe have been there offer me some advice on how to keep this situation in check? I love my father, and we've had great times together when these issues weren't so forefront in our lives...

Keep telling yourself, "just a few more months"...and bust your ass to get that different job. I'd suggest checking with temp agencies as many temp to perm positions are now exclusively done through such agencies, versus hiring off the street (for well-paying jobs, other than headhunter types). Monster.com and other services, etc. Get that resume' out there!

Any possibility of a roomate? That's a good way to cut down on rent (for both of you). If you have a friend that you can move in with (or both of you move out), it's a lot easier...money-wise.

Originally posted by spacedoubt
"The Great Santini"

Looks like one more classic I was previously unaware of that I'll have to add to my collection eventually

I'll certainly look into it....From what I've read about it so far, there's some alcoholism and family abuse involved, so I dunno what kind of message that would send to him....

Gazrok
Any possibility of a roommate? That's a good way to cut down on rent (for both of you). If you have a friend that you can move in with (or both of you move out), it's a lot easier...money-wise.

It's always a possibility....But I've had the "roommate" experience before....My goal is to get to a point where I can begin setting aside money for future rent so I can move in to a place of my own and have a few months knocked out when I get there.....It's a plan, just not a reality yet...

I've looked around at monster and the local classifieds....Problem is, it's tough to find a full time job with benefits that's comparable to what I have now....

Sort of an update - We've resolved our issue - Luckily I get along great with our office manager - I had a meeting with her and discussed what happened....She agrees, along with most other people here, that my father can often times be a bit overbearing and hard-headed - But of course, his intentions are good....

She too suggested that perhaps I begin he search for a new job - Or another possibility is to meet with some of my co-workers, see where they need me most, and create a new job for myself while removing my time and labor from my father's grasp...True, we'd still technically live and work together, but chances are I'd be located in an office further away from his and doing work for other people and not him...

My plan is to take my statistical analysis skills and knowledge of the Adobe suite, and sort of merge the two into one position - Sort of a print/graphic design/analyst kind of guy...lol...As opposed to now, where basically I'm the office lackey, doing anything from medial copying to designing print job layouts....

So that's the plan - I'll put together a PowerPoint and present it to my boss and see how it goes....Of course, meanwhile, I'll have my eye on job openings and just keep my fingers crossed....