Thanks for welcoming the "newbie" to the thread.
I got some U2Us, I tried to reply to them but found out I couldn’t until I make at least 20 posts.
I know what follows is LONG – but it’s the TRUTH – Please feel free to ask me any questions that pop into your head.
Don't worry, It's not easy to offend me, I try to take everything as a joke up front - until I notice no one else is laughing. I’d rather laugh
at things than let them get to me, but some things just tear at my heart and I feel like I can’t just let it slide. There’s nothing you can say
to/about me that I haven’t already said to or thought about myself.
I'm glad I've found somewhere to chat about these things - I'm from a little back-woods town in North Carolina - as you can imagine, I don't have
that many people to talk to about 'Homosexuality
' (sorry, had to whisper, I'm at work - shh!)
I've read through almost all of the threads I could find concerning homosexuality, here and on other sites - I wanted to get a feel for how other
people felt about it - what was acceptable to talk about - and find a way for me to talk about it constructively.
Now I know that ‘my view’ of things is just that – ‘My View’ – everyone’s experiences shape who and what they are, how they feel and how
they deal with others. I cannot say that my way is better or worse than anyone else’s, but I can tell you about my journey – helping others to
“walk in my shoes” is better than just expecting someone else to know where I’m coming from.
The discussion of homosexuality is just about the only thing that really gets to me - I have always let most stuff just roll off my back - but when
people start talking about "the homo-gays" I know it's something I have to take a side on. Before I accepted the fact that I was gay I felt
invisible just ignoring the issue – I felt like a liar when I’d join in on the homophobia, just because I was afraid not to – and felt like a
TOTAL outcast if I showed any sympathy or understanding towards gays - But I have learned that expressing one's "side" by name-calling and
extremism and even threats is not productive at all. So even though I sometimes want to scream till I'm red in the face and have that big vein on my
forehead popping out, I try to keep things civil.
I cannot really tell you if I did or didn't "feel that way" all my life- I do know I have never felt any emotion or attraction that would make me
consider myself “straight”, but as for when I “knew” I was gay, I really have no idea – I’m sure if I ask someone when they “knew”
they were straight, it would be just as difficult to think of the exact moment you knew. When I was a kid, all I did was laugh and have fun and hang
out with my friends from school and church. I never did anything that was considered a "sport" – never liked any of the manly macho stuff that
would have been stereotypically boyish, and can’t really recall doing anything stereotypically ‘girley-man’ either. I played with G.I. Joe
toys, Star Wars toys, Weebles (you remember, they’d wobble, but those bastards just wouldn’t fall down!), Lincon Logs, toy trains and musical
instruments. - I was the class clown, the joker, the one that could make fun of himself BEFORE anyone else could, so it was a moot point to pick on
me. I was the only boy to take Piano lessons in grade school, I did get picked on a little for that but even when the bullies heard me play the
piano, they stopped picking, they seemed to like it – I guess music soothed those savage beasts. I was the only one (boy or girl) that would
have rather listened to classical music than hear that cheese-grater-on-my-eardrum Metallica or Guns and Roses and that corny,
pickin’-and-a-grinnin’ country music - I grew up with a 'mommy and a diddy', and a half brother 13 years my senior - he was the football,
baseball and basketball *star*, but was moved-out and married by the time I was old enough to hang out with him. I remember him having LOTS of
girlfriends over at the house when I was a little boy - and how they would just fall in love with me cause I was just so darned cute (
later learned I was the "bait" for him to land new chicks. Never got turned on by 'em, but hey, I was just a little kid - Didn't know if I was
straight or gay then - didn't matter - little kids don't (and shouldn’t have to) think about that stuff.
I was raised in the "Southern Baptist" tradition, every time the church doors were open, I was there! I sang in the kids choir which was lead by
Mama, made tapes of the sermons to take to the shut-ins, my Dad was the leader of the "Royal Ambassadors", I went around with the youth group
putting tracts and fliers under people’s windshield wipers and was usually 'Mary's Baby's Daddy' in all the nativity scenes/plays we did. I
usually didn't pay much attention to the sermons - but I do VIVIDLY remember when the preacher started with the "hellfire and brimstone" stuff - I
was scared to death! - "come down at the end of the service and claim Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, OR BURN IN THE STANKY PITS OF HELL
FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!!!!" Well, needless to say - after a few Sundays of hearing that guilt trip I was starting to get frightened - so when I was 11
(maybe 12) I got saved - I got baptized and was told I was acceptable in the eyes of God now – even got a monogrammed Bible from Grandma - - But
still, I had no idea if I was straight or gay - had never thought about it - never thought about "sexuality" - sex was something that you giggled
about if you heard anything about it - or got slapped for giggling about it if you did it in front of the adults. I’m assuming that's what a lot
of 12-13 year olds went through. Not once did the church tell me anything about being gay or straight or any kind of “sexuality issues”
Then, glorious puberty hit me - LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!!!! - I was the first one in my class to have "extra hair" where there wasn't any before -
first to get zits, first to get taller than the teacher - first to start crying stinky tears from my armpits. THAT WAS FUN!!!! But still, I had no
hormonal/social attraction towards females (or males for that matter) - I just wanted to hang out and play video games and listen to music and tell
jokes and that was about it.
Later on, when I turned 15 or so, Our church would split up over money and politics – and that’s not what religion is supposed to be about.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with religion, but there’s A LOT wrong with ORGANIZED religion. It’s all about the
number of members and how much money you can get from them.
Then when I was 16ish - I started to notice all the other guys were trying to get closer to the girls - It was so funny to me - they were all shy and
nervous, covered in zits, awkward, all attempting to act older than they were (so I thought) - I "knew" they were just acting like they thought they
should from seeing the older kids "dating" and such. But still, I had no attraction to girls - didn't want to try and get closer to them - the
thought never even crossed my mind - even when I thought everyone else was doing it just to fit in, I didn't feel that calling - I'd do all the
other stuff to fit in - but it just seemed like, for me, that chasing the girls was about as useful as chasing a parked car. No need to run to it,
it's not going anywhere and chasing a parked car too fast usually busts up your face.
Suddenly, all of my friends had girlfriends - None of them knew what to do with em, but they had 'em - I had known for years "what to do with them"
- when most of my friends were out "chasing tail" I was actually paying attention in school (I know, weird huh?) I knew that Tab A went in Slot B
–and that’s how you made a baby - it didn't appeal to me - didn't disgust me either - but I knew how things worked - I knew where "babies"
came from – I knew the mechanics, but NOT the nuances of romance, foreplay, what an “orgasm” was. But still, didn't think “hey I wanna do
THAT!” – or “EWWWWWW” I just had no desire or repulsion to participate in “mating rituals” -
Here's what I DID know - I would have rather been hanging out with “the guys” than with one girl - I knew that one day I was expected to pick a
girl, drag her back to my cave by her hair, grunt some words in front of a preacher and make as many babies as possible - but I NEVER once had the
urge to do ANYTHING like that. I DID know that I felt a longing to be with my friends, all of which were guys, but I thought it was just a “best
friends” kinda thing – I didn’t think about their bodies or doing anything with ‘em – I just wanted to be around them. I do remember
thinking “why aren’t any of the guys jealous of me when I’m around their girlfriends? Because most of the guys I knew got asked by other guys
“why you lookin’ at my girl?” Then a fight would break out (also funny to me). Every fight I ever witnessed was 2 guys fighting over a girl –
I never “got” that – Why didn’t they just let the girl pick one? Was that what it meant to be straight? I dunno. Seemed kinda stupid to
Then my best friend started staying at my house a lot. He was at my house every other night – and I went to his house every other night – We just
hung out, watched TV, snacked and lounged around the pool. Now neither of us had any extra beds, guest rooms or anything, so we slept in the same
bed. That was just normal to me because that’s what “friends sleeping over” did. We kept on opposite sides, didn’t get too close, but I do
remember laying there, on my stomach almost every night, trying to hide my erection – I knew it was normal to wake up with “morning wood”
because I’d heard other boys talking about it, but I’d NEVER experienced an erection other than morning wood. EVERY NIGHT we went to bed and
I’d just lay there, unable to go to sleep, wondering what was wrong with me because I was “aroused” and didn’t know why. I didn’t think I
was attracted to him – I mean that wasn’t how it was supposed to be. After a few months, I got to where I could actually fall asleep, but I felt
uncomfortable – afraid – nervous that if I fell asleep I might roll over and he’d know I had a “stiffie” – I did manage to get to sleep
one night and had my first “wet dream” – I woke up suddenly, didn’t remember dreaming or anything , just waking up and knowing something had
happened – I didn’t even know what a wet dream was – I got up and went to the bathroom and was freaked the hell out! I seriously thought there
was snot in my underwear! I was thinking “how the hell did snot get in my underwear?!?!?!” I didn’t know what semen looked like but I knew that
the only other thing I’d ever seen that looked like that had come out of my nose on a really bad pollen day! I remember for WEEKS wondering what
that stuff was and, if it was snot, how did it get from my nose to the inside of my underwear?
I guess you could say I was sheltered, naïve or just a late-bloomer – but I didn’t consciously think about sex or “relations” or “getting
it on” with anyone until I was in college. Never masturbated till I was 22-23, and when I started to think about it, fantasize about it – it was
always with a guy. On the few occasions that I tried to think about a woman while enjoying myself, I’d lose my erection and couldn’t get it back
till I started imagining a guy again. I was attracted to their shape, their scent, body hair, their muscles, the sweat that dripped off of ‘em,
their strength in those powerful legs, the way a muscular guys ripped stomach looked – and that made me feel so ashamed, so wronged, like someone
had punched me in the gut and wouldn’t stop – I wanted to know why I was like this, and why I couldn’t change. I didn’t feel bad about
having those feelings, I felt bad because I knew other people didn’t do that – I felt bad because I thought that if I told anyone it would
definitely mean losing my friends, getting a good beating or even worse – I couldn’t sleep at night because my nerves were just so bad – I
wanted to be free, I wanted to shout it out that “I’m DIFFERENT! please don’t kill me!” but I couldn’t - So I just shut myself up in my
room – dropped out of college – went to work full time to pay the bills and planned to just live my life alone and never let anyone know why I had
become a hermit. I even remember thinking “I can wait till Mama and Daddy are dead so I can start to explore my sexuality without causing them
shame.” Do you have any idea what that can do to someone?
I knew I didn’t want anything to do with the ladies or their privates, and I was curious about what it felt like to be with another guy – what
would it be like to freely be with another man that wanted to be with me too. But I stuck to my plan of “I’ll just ‘not’ be sexual until my
parents are dead – then I won’t be ashamed about it.” My parents own a small business in a not-very-tolerant town – I didn’t want them to
suffer loss just because people knew they had a “Fag” for a son. I was afraid if people knew, I would be at risk for getting the crap beat out of
me, being shut off from family and friends, being known as the “immoral sinner that’s going straight to hell!” I was afraid that even if I
could keep some of my friends, that they would suffer for “letting” a fag hang out with them, worried that they would lose friends because of me,
To me, friendship meant everything, because that’s all I thought I would ever have – and I did not want to be the cause of anyone else losing a
friend – so I shut everyone out – I lost my sense of humor – I stopped laughing – I started to let myself go, I didn’t care if I shaved or
wore clean clothes, I didn't care if I’d taken a shower or not – everything stopped mattering. I felt unwelcome or in-the-way when I was with
my friends so I stopped hanging out with my friends or going places with them - AND STILL - I had not admitted to myself that “I’m gay” - I
couldn’t admit it to myself, I WOULDN’T! - Every fiber in my being knew it was true but my brain just wasn’t having any of that – I knew it
but I had no idea how to go about changing it. So I just tried my best to turn off my sexuality.
I got the call to come back home when I was about 26, to come back and work for my family’s business – There was nothing for me in the college
town I lived in – all my friends had graduated and moved away – I couldn’t go out and meet new people, I was afraid that they wouldn’t want to
be my friend because I was gay, and if they didn’t think it, I’d eventually have to admit it to them and I’d lose another friendship. So I
moved back to my hometown, nobody knew it, I didn’t go out – I wouldn’t even go to Wal-Mart because I didn’t want people recognizing me and
asking me all those questions that just turned my stomach inside out – all those “when you gonna get a girlfriend?” and “you’re such a nice
guy, how some girl hasn’t snatched you up I’ll never know” and I just had to smile and pretend that it didn’t feel like a punch to the gut –
just blush and pretend I was too shy to put myself out on the market. How do you tell people that have no clue you’re gay to stop asking you
questions about being with girls? What would a straight man say if someone that didn’t know he was straight asked him where his “boyfriend”
was? Someone would probably get the living poo knocked out of them. How do you handle those situations? I never wanted to make someone
uncomfortable so I just had to swallow it and smile and blush and nod and keep on going.
About 4 years ago – I thought It couldn’t hurt to try and find someone that was like me, if for nothing else than to have a friend that knew what
I was going through – I met a few people, nobody I was interested in being friends with – most people that replied were too “out there” – I
was looking for something discreet, just trying to finally meet another gay person. I felt like I must be the only gay man out there that didn’t
want to dress up in drag and wear makeup – or act too feminine – I’m definitely not feminine, unless you consider having 5 O’clock shadow at
10 a.m. as being “feminine.” But I found that when you go in search of gay people, that’s what you find – but only because they’re the only
one’s that advertise it! All the other “regular joe” gay guys couldn’t put themselves out there because we were all afraid of being lumped in
with the “feather boa, pink pumps” gays that are what mainstream America thinks we are all like. It’s horrible being a part of something that
most people stereotypically think is a BAD BAD thing - and knowing that associating yourself with any part of the truth will get you associated with
ALL the bad myths and stereotypes that go along with it is enough to make you want to pretend that you’re against it too. I try not to let those
feeling take over my mind, and it’s hard because I DO want to “fit in” to what the rest of the world considers “acceptable” – but I know
what I am on the inside, and I don’t think I should have to pretend to be something different just to make other people happy. I’ve been with my
boyfriend for just over 3 years now – it is hard being in a relationship when you know that most of the world considers it “sick” but it feels
right to me – and I know that If I tried to fake a relationship with a woman, My internal conflict would be MUCH MUCH greater that it is now.
I know that the first thing most people “against” homosexuality will say is that “You felt that way because you KNEW it was WRONG!!!!!!”
well – no, I didn’t “know” it was wrong – I’ve been told and made to feel it was wrong. But I’ve never felt like I’ve ever really
done anything that bad. I’ve never physically or mentally abused anyone, I’ve never “pushed” myself on someone. I’ve never “gone after”
a straight man – I’ve never tried to make a straight person gay - I’ve always tried to “do unto others as I’d have done unto me” but I
always add “if I were in their shoes” to it – not many people try to imagine what it’s really like to be in someone else’s position –
I’m one of those that can’t help it – I see the hurt inside other people – I see what makes their soul weep – it’s never pretty – but
it’s usually something that would go away or would have never been there in the first place if everyone had a little more understanding in their
Sorry So Long Winded