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THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED(A short story by Void)

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posted on May, 31 2005 @ 09:19 PM
I wrote this in my spare time and I need your input on it, guys. Please? Anyway, here's my story:
By Voidmaster
It was another lazy day in Iowa. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no towns for 10 miles in any direction. Peter was relaxing on the front porch, sitting in a rocking chair watching the wind ripple through the grass. Just then his little brother, John, burst through the door being pursued by his little sister, Lily. “You’re it!” shouted Lily as she tagged John on his back and ran the opposite direction. Peter sighed, got up and chased after them so he could figure out what exactly they were up too. You see, this family was just like any other family until a few weeks previous. When their father had entered the nearest town, Salisbury, he was followed by a black van. When their father realized this he tried to throw them off. He drove left, right through parking lots and into traffic. The black van eventually caught him. He was allowed one statement before the men dressed in black suits dragged him into the van. He had said, “It’s in the Woods.” This statement had been broadcast over the news dozens of times. The children had known their father well, and knew that he had meant it as a clue for them. They didn’t know exactly what he meant but they knew they had to figure it out or they’d never hear from their father again. Since the children had heard that news report they had spoken in code. They had figured that they might be watched and they didn’t want to give away anything they might figure out about the clue.
Peter ran after his little brother and sister to a place where they could never be disturbed. The only place where they could talk regularly. Peter chased them into the Woods. The Woods are a small section of forest left from when the area was settled by pioneers. The pioneers had cut down the rest of the forest but left this small part as a sanctuary from the rest of the world. The group of settlers had carved their names into the wood of the tallest tree. Among those names was their great-great grandfather’s name, Arthur Neilson. Around that tree, a magnificent garden had been built. The garden was circular, with the tree in the center of an amphitheater. A pool of water surrounds the tree and gave the effect of being a puddle when it was really very deep. When John had just been born he fell in and vanished. Their father had seemed very shocked when John had fallen in. Their father just sat there while Peter rescued John. When Peter had rescued John, he had discovered that the pool was more then 10 feet deep. When Peter walked into the amphitheater he saw his other two siblings. Wendy, who was 2 years older than John, and Sam, who was the oldest.
“So, what’s this all about?” Peter asked expectantly. “It’s about,” replied Sam, “that tree.” He pointed a long slender finger at the center of the amphitheater. “What about it?” Peter asked slightly disappointed that he didn’t get a straight answer the first time. “Can’t you tell?” Asked Sam incredulously. “Don’t you think it draws way to much attention to itself? It’s in a very odd location for a tree, don’t you think?” “So you think the tree is what Dad had in mind?” Asked Peter cautiously. Sam’s temper seemed to be on the surface a lot now that he was 18. “Yes, that’s exactly what I think.” Said Sam as he calmed down. “So,” John spoke up, “what do we do now?” “Well, I think Sam wants us to search the tree until we find something of importance. Right, Sam?” Asked Wendy. “Yes, that is right.” Replied Sam. May I suggest that we start looking?” Inquired Peter. “And so the search begins.” Lily suddenly spoke. We all stared. Her eyes seemed to be clouded with some heavy burden. She had a dark look on her face, very rare if existent at all on a 6 year-olds face.

posted on Jun, 1 2005 @ 08:50 AM

however, I would recommend breaking up the story in distinct paragraphs, it makes easier for the reader.

it felt a little choppy in the middle, the premise was intriguing, but you left me hanging at the end. The story seems unfinished if it is meant as a short story

(please keep in mind this just my opinion, readers all pick up on different aspects, so don't be discouraged by any of my comments, just keep writing, hopefully a few more paragraphs of this one, so I can know what's with the tree?

posted on Jun, 3 2005 @ 04:03 PM
Now that school is out(YES!!!!!!!!!!) I'll be able to write more of this story. This is an unedited version that I'm making up as I go along. The only reason I stopped there is I can't figure out whats with the tree either. Also I did break it up into paragraphs but the transition between my computer and the thread must of screwed it up. *sigh* I have so much work ahead of me this summer.


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