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At last... the Unitarian Jihad Name Generator

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posted on May, 4 2005 @ 12:22 AM
I am... Sister Rail Gun Of Loving Kindness.

Who are you?

In honor of the creator of the spam email immortalized at, and the movement taking America by storm:

The following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

Ssiter Rail Gun Of Loving Kindness signs off.

posted on May, 4 2005 @ 12:32 AM
Oh... have some wikipedia to give your name street cred:

posted on May, 4 2005 @ 12:41 AM
The Machine Gun of Forgiveness

posted on May, 4 2005 @ 01:07 AM
Apparently, I'm The Gatling Gun of Patience because I'm a male, know it, and hit that refresh link a few times. After all, I had to get one that slightly amused me

posted on May, 4 2005 @ 02:28 PM
Brother Shuriken of Looking at All Sides of the Question

Nice, let me get that tattooed on my back

posted on May, 4 2005 @ 02:32 PM
The Great Nuclear Bomb of Loving Kindness and Peace

You better watch out.

Ok...I made it up myself.

posted on May, 4 2005 @ 02:41 PM
first click:

Sister Neutron Bomb of Mild Reason

second click:

Brother Broadsword of Patience

thats better

posted on May, 4 2005 @ 02:43 PM
Sibling Hand Grenade of The Short Path

Thats me alright !!!

posted on May, 4 2005 @ 02:53 PM
Brother Neutron Bomb of Enlightenment


posted on May, 4 2005 @ 05:11 PM
Brother Katana of Enlightened Compassion

Hmmmm. That will work

posted on May, 4 2005 @ 05:21 PM
Henceforth, you are all to call me by my true name:

Sister Sabre of Courteous Debate

Kind of impressive, and I'm considering having it placed on my business cards.

posted on May, 4 2005 @ 05:42 PM
The Gattling Gun of Quiet Reflection.


posted on May, 5 2005 @ 03:51 PM
I got = Brother Boot Knife of Sweet Reason.

Which I thought was apropriate.

posted on May, 5 2005 @ 05:32 PM
The ATS Chapter of Unitarian Jihad is a fantastic collection of Weapons of Mass Reason.

But for those who are following the real world, Unitarian Jihad has already suffered its first schism. Let us hope nonetheless that Reason is not lost.

Brother Shuriken of Looking At All Sides of the Question, I would like to see that, a la a Foo Fighters album cover. Please post it when it's done!

Sister Rail Gun Of Loving Kindness signs off, goes looking at the old rail gun threads.

posted on May, 23 2005 @ 02:20 AM
The Claymore of Patience

lol, I think that says it all

posted on May, 23 2005 @ 05:40 AM
My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Brother Whip of Wisdom!

posted on May, 23 2005 @ 05:50 AM
i got Brother Gatling Gun of Forgiveness

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