Episode 17.2 of Religon Wars

Ok, like Star Wars but better cause I said so. Instead of Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader you have Ottis Goldstein and Father McGrady. Instead of Rebels and Empire you have Jews and Catholic Empire. Instead of X-Wing and Tie Fighter or Death Star you have J-Wing(shape of Star of David), Cross Fighter(cross shape), and Death Cross(same but bigger with a weapon powerful enough to convert entire planets in one shot). Stormtroopers wear KKK uniforms, and the Emperor is the Pope. Instead of capital planet Coriscaunt(sp?) the capital planet is Vatican. Instead of AT-AT or "chicken" Walkers you have Jesus Walkers, or JC-JC. No Yoda but Budda, and droids are Hindus, while a wookie would be a Mauslim. It is a different storyline from Star Wars, but basic stuff is from there.

Warning, if you do not have the same kind of funny bone as I do you may not find the first part funny. I do cause I don't care, cripple black jokes and gay jew jokes are number 1 in my book, although none in this story.



In a Alternate Dimension about three steps down from the dimension where AL Gore lost the Election for real and didn't have it stolen by Bush there is a war. In a time of oppression, the Catholic Empire crushes all opposition. After the slaughter of the Witch System and the war on the Druid planet Stone 23, there is one group left, the Jews.

But there is a hope, a young Jew who has the power of faith in his soul. The Jew has what it takes, or does he? The faith is strong in this one, will he have what it takes to become a full Rabbi? The story will be told as time passes.


Chapter 1 of Episode 17.2

The sun is high in the air, the planet Titoon is the third planet from the sun and in the grasp of a hellish summer. "Uncle Goldstein, when is the next break? My eyes are hurting from all this counting, and am starting to get a headache from doing all this math." "Shut up boy, accounting is in your blood and it is what you will do till you die! Or I do, then you get my business and make others do the work, whatever."
The young man quits complaining and gets back to work counting the different transactions. The yound man yearns to be outside, but knows Jews and Physical Labor are things that must never mix unless they learn to use the Faith. "One day I won't be doing this, I'll be out running around, having fun, swimming, performing feats of physical labor."

This young man has been training behind his uncles back. He found a stash of books in the attic hidden in a box that belonged to his father. With the help of the Koran, the New Testament, and the Old Testament he will be able to perform great feats of labor from swimming to lifting boxes.

Who is this young man? Ottis Goldstein, son of the Legendary Oni Yah Goldstein, a great Rabbi who fell to the leader of the Catholic Empire Father McGrady. He looks out the window again, but follows his uncles orders. "Damn reports, why does Tapeworm the V need to launder so much money?" Report after report, but finally it is break time.

"Uncle, I am going out for some Kosher sandwiches, would you like any?" He listens but knows his uncle is sleeping, after all it is 2pm, why would anyone be awake during the day time unless they had to be. But the empty streets are perfect for a young Jew training to become a great Rabbi. Walking the streets he picks up garbage and places it in the recycling bins, picking up more and more as he goes, training his Faith in precision and accuracy. By the time he gets to Jew Burger he has cleaned the streets.

Walking in he relaxes, the air conditioning cool on his skin. Walking up to the counter he can already taste the Kosher Soy Bean Sandwich. "Sir, welcome to Jew Burger, how may I help you as long as it doesn't require any type of physical labor?" Ottis orders the Number 2 as always and sits to eat. "I will never work in a place like this, stuck behind a counter all day, pushing buttons to start the machines to do the work, not me." Finishing lunch he leaves to go back to the office.


Thats it for now, the first chapter of a 80 page story. Thinking of having 4-5 books in the trilogy, but more if need be.

Well, at least no one has gone off on the very bad sterotyping, thats a plus. Of course, when Mel Brooks makes fun of jews no problem, course, he is a jew.

hahahahaha, am i the only one that finds this funny??

I hope not, I love it. I mean, the battle on Jerusalem where the Jews escape just before the Death Cross fires it's primary weapon and converts anyone left on the planet is a great story, maybe I will post that part next. Sure it will be out of order, but so was Pulp Fiction and that is a great movie.

"All those poor little boys, what will happen to them Layme?" Princess Layme sighs, "Same thing that happens to all of them, used as sacred juice containers by the Priests." Goldstein is horrified by the image, all those little boys sodomized and blessed all over their faces by thousands of Priests. "Why did this have to happen! We fought them using our great faith, and yet something happened, something so poweful as to convert and entire planet, what could it be?"

Insert from chapter 5, it's the introduction of the Death Cross.

Spelling, I spelled Layme wrong, kept hitting s instead of a.

[edit on 3-5-2005 by James the Lesser]