Alright, next on the BS tour is the bible.
*Mod Edit for religious slur* Amuk
. Sure it is wrong, the stories are stolen from Greek/Roman/Norse mythology, sure it has things that never happened, or can’t due to some little
things like reality or science, and of course all the things attributed to god we now know is mother nature(what a bitch she is) and viruses/disease.
Sure today we know an earthquake is plate tectonics, but they didn’t know, they thought god was mad and had to sacrifice virgin sheep to make him
happy. Sure we know lighting is static electricity on a major scale, and not the wrath of god, but they didn’t. Sure we know a volcano is a
natural disaster, not god sneezing or whatever. Sure we know we are round, not center of the universe, not 6,000 years old, but they didn’t. But
is it sad people today still think this BS is true? Yes, it is, and that’s why we have people like Penn and Teller, me, scientists, people who’s
heads aren’t shoved up their asses, and anyone else not brain dead. (No pun to Terry Schiavo)
Now like in the past, I am using quotes from the doctors, from the idiots, and from the people who fear god smacking them for eating meat on a
Friday. I am adding my own smart ass comments and jokes and commentary, along with some of Penn’s, although usually altered into my own words. So,
all aboard the BS tour Bus.
Get your bible people, get the “good” book, interactive posting! That’s right, get it. According to sales it is the number one sold book,
even though it has never cracked the Amazon 100. Of course, the second most sold book EVER hasn’t either, the book Quotations from Chairman Mao
Zhang Tun (spelling? Dang Chinese dictators with funny names) while number ten is Valley of the Dogs, so you can decide if most sold means anything.
In this post we will go over how the bible has equal parts fact, history, and pizza.
All you people of faith might as well stop reading now; nothing can teach you the truth. Faith is more blinding then the sun on the brightest day
and nothing can compete with it. Sure faith is wrong, but hey, it’s called faith for a reason instead of reality/factual/science. Bible nuts pride
themselves on believing things that are wrong, can’t happen, or have been proven to be BS. They think god will bless them, and not the Priest Alter
Boy kind of blesses, but the good kind, unless you are part of a rival sect, then you’re still going to hell. If you want history or fact in your
bible, you are so screwed, for the bible isn’t fact or history.
Michael Sherber, Publisher of Skeptic Magazine, also known as someone who doesn’t have his head up his ass. He has a PHD, and could go by Doctor
Sherber, but he doesn’t. “The more we learn about archeology and history of biblical times the more we realize that most of the stuff in the
bible is fiction.” Of course, you have Doctor Paul Myer. He isn’t a doctor, but has a PHD. “The best way to interpret the bible is to use the
bible.” What? This falls under the “We are right because we say so; we can prove this by saying we are right because we said so.” But back to
Michael. “It’s an article of faith, its part of a religious belief system that really doesn’t fit the way that we think scientifically in the
age of science where we are supposed to ask for evidence and challenge beliefs.” Anyways, did you get the good book? Ok, put it down and get the
bible and open it to Genesis.
Genesis is the first part of the bible, and this right here has enough BS to choke a bull. Genesis Chapter 1 states that god created Adam AND Eve at
the SAME time. Genesis Chapter 2 states the god mad Adam, then Adam got lonely and asked god for a companion, and so god took a rib bone and made
Eve. For almost 2000 years people thought men had one less rib bone then women, which is BS. Also this right here is the bible contradicting itself,
and you are only on the first two chapters!!! Also, genetics make it impossible; inbreeding would have wiped out the species after the 3rd-4th
generation. Idiots say this isn’t wrong, that it is two authors. So, sometimes it’s god, sometimes its man, and sometimes it’s two or more
men. Also, it isn’t always real, it is also symbolic in areas that make the bible look bad but real in any case that makes the bible look good.
Good way to pick and choose. But you know what? Let’s learn about a real king, someone many worshipped for his greatness before dieing. Elvis
Presley died in 1977; there are pictures of him in the morgue dead as a doornail. But people “see” him all the time. Sound familiar? People,
who KNEW the King first hand, were friends or family of him who wrote books tell conflicting stories. Sound familiar? Case in point, the Kings
favorite chicken dinner is discussed in several books, none of them have the same recipe, NONE! These people knew Elvis, these people were long time
friends of Elvis, these people were literate/smart enough to breath in and out without someone telling them to, and yet NONE of them have the same
recipe for the same chicken dinner. Sound familiar? Now, fast forward 2,000 years from now and tell me which chicken dinner is the right one. You
can’t, can you? Sound familiar? Also, some people even claim Elvis didn’t do any drugs!!! Yep, Elvis didn’t do any drugs……
Now on to the Genesis 6:11-13 part of the BS tour. The ark, complete BS if there ever was. A world flood, not some, but all! Including every
mountain on Earth. Of course, not enough water, but hey, don’t let little details like this get in your way. Sure Christians say there is
underground water, and there is, but still not enough to cover the entire planet. Yes, there were some major floods, like when a natural dam broke
and the level of the Dead Sea rose over 40 feet killing anyone near the Dead Sea, or the one that scientists/historians/people who have their heads
out of their ass contribute to Gilgamesh/Noah. Also, not even today do we have a boat big enough to carry 2 of every animal, and the food needed to
support them, including animals to kill and feed to carnivores, and all the water animals for salt can’t live in fresh and fresh can’t live in
salt, but if all the waters mixed you would have brackish water, something only a few species of fish can actually live in. Then you have the
inbreeding again killing everything, but that is science/reality/facts, can’t have that can we? Sure nothing is impossible, only highly improbable,
but sorry, unless like 50 ice comets hit the earth and caused a flood, but then that would again be science/reality/facts, not god. Not to mention
water, need fresh water or everyone dies of dehydration. Damn, this boat had to be bigger then Texas….. Also, if true, how come all the marsupials
are in Australia? (Except Virginia Possum which isn’t in Australia) If Noah was real, you would have every animal on every continent, not some here
but not there, only here and no where else, so forth. Now, Gilgamesh/Noah flood is based on a true story. A flood on the Euphrates River about 125
miles south east of Baghdad would flood every spring, but one year due to a 6 day rain storm it flooded more then ever before around 2900 bc. The
river rose over 22feet, which made it overflow the levies and a lot of people got killed. One of the survivors was a local king(can’t spell his
name, don’t know Sumerian) who “commandeered” (stole is more like it) a boat and loaded it with gold, livestock, and wine, so forth and floated
down the river until he reached the Persian Gulf where he ran aground. Thankful to be alive, the Sumerian King made a sacrifice on a hilltop temple.
There you go, Gilgamesh/Noah. We have geological/historical evidence to support this; we know the Sumerian King thing happened. Is it any wonder
that 6 civilizations in the area have a world flood story? That it is a coincidence that the same place this major killing flood happened 6 stories
sprung up about a world flood? See what happens when you use science/reality/facts instead of faith? Well, Elvis didn’t do any drugs…..
To your right on the BS tour we have Exodus 14:22-31. Moses and the Jews. First, only the bible says there were ever ANY Jew slaves in Egypt.
Egypt is known for writing, it was one of the first civilizations to do so, and yet not once do they mention a bunch of Jews leaving, or the plagues,
or the splitting of the Red Sea, things you think would be written down. So, first strike is no Jew Slaves, there is absolutely NO EVIDENCE of Jewish
Slaves. Second, plagues…. Well they happened all the time, no big deal. It would be like saying Forest Fires in the summer is a plague or a
hurricane in hurricane season is a plague. Also, again using science/facts/reality, the plagues can be linked to a super volcano going boom! It put
up dust in the air, when this fell, it polluted the rivers/seas in the area creating an algae bloom, which can come from red to blue to green to even
neon purple. So river ran red. Now, being polluted, frogs leave the river because frogs need clean water. But where do they go? No water, they
head for land, and so Egypt is overrun by frogs. Third plague is lice, which in those days was not uncommon. You were more likely to have lice then
to not have lice, so not a plague, but normal life. Next are the insects, with all these dead frogs due to no clean water, no wonder insects showed
up, it was a feeding frenzy, a literal buffet for insects. So again not a plague, but science/reality/facts. Next is pestilence on live stock, this
again is the work of a previous plague, like the water becoming polluted causing frogs to leave who die who bring the insects, the insects bring
pestilence to livestock, so again no plague, just science/reality/facts. Sixth plague is boils, no known as Small Pox. With such a diseased climate
with all the dead rotting corpses of frogs, fish, and livestock, and that Small Pox outbreaks were common until the Small Pox Vaccine, this is no
plague, but science/reality/facts. Seventh one is a storm, wtf? So whenever it rains it is god’s wrath? Number 8 is locust, something that STILL
HAPPENS TODAY! Why we created pesticide to kill the pests that eat crops. So why is it a pest today but a wrath of god them? Next is darkness for
three days, well, when Krakatoa blew it created night in Australia, New Zealand, and surrounding area for days! So I guess that was god to huh? Or
maybe science/reality/facts weren’t around then to explain science/reality/facts. The last one is just BS; god kills babies, nice god. Also, Moses
splits the Red Sea and the Jews dance merrily threw the split water. Just remember, Elvis didn’t do any drugs!
Now the Jews are free and wonder the desert for 40 years, or not. No proof of anything like this. Of course, you need Jew Slaves to have them
wonder for 40 years, but since there were no Jew Slaves, this didn’t happen. Then no evidence anyone named Moses existed who did this. Sure there
was probably someone named Moses, people today are still named Moses, but anyone who did this? Nope. Now, back to the splitting of the Red Sea.
Well, it turns out people are stupid and didn’t translate it right. They crossed the Reed Sea, not Red Sea. The Reed Sea was a huge marsh that
went for miles and miles. Now, crossing this would suck with people, wagons, whatever. But again science/reality/facts come into play with
volcanoes/earthquakes. We just recently experienced a wave created by an earthquake that killed a bunch of people. Well, a wave like this does
something strange to the coast/beach area. When a wave like this is coming in the water recedes into the ocean, leavening dry land where before there
was 10-15 feet of water. So with the volcano/earthquake causing the “plagues” it also did the same thing as other tsunamis, it receded the water,
and as the Jews crossed it was a low water level in the marsh, and as the Egyptian soldiers followed, the tsunami came. Science/reality/facts explain
away BS again, well; it would if there were any Jew Slaves to begin with, which there weren’t. So, how come the part where god slaughters the
kids/babies of Egypt instead of smacking the pharaoh isn’t mentioned in church, or in any kids bible pop up books? Some loving god to go and
slaughter the innocent while letting the one who supposedly did the crime go. Except there were no Jew Slaves. Elvis didn’t do any drugs.
Now, to the left of the BS tour bus you have the New Testament, any gospel will do. First, all written decades if not centuries after Jesus died.
Second, some are left out for giving women power, explaining things, and for letting you know Mary wasn’t a virgin, she and her HUSBAND had several
kids already, and 2 of them were the brothers of Jesus. But a bunch of child rapists got together and voted on which books to include in the bible
and which ones not to. Hmmm, I thought this was god’s book, yet man decided what was in it? Christians say the bible isn’t edited, but it
OBVIOULSY IS! They even admit that a bunch of old child rapists got together and decided which of god’s words would make it in the bible. Even
more strange the first hand accounts/books written closer to the time of Jesus were thrown out while ones written centuries afterwards were included.
Ok, first, is there a Jesus? Maybe, a man wrote about Jesus a couple decades after Jesus died, and so did others, but all decades/centuries later.
But even then, this proves what? I know of a Jesus, he plays poker on the WSOP tour. But Jesus was not the only messiah, there was in fact a
“plague” (pun intended) of messiahs, dozens of them, hundreds of them, even thousands of them. In fact a man named Apollonius of Tianna who in
the first century was claimed by his followers to have healed the sick, he raised the dead, he was even able to walk through walls, and that he was
persecuted for his religious beliefs and crucified by the Romans. Hell, after he died it is said he rose from the dead and went off into heaven.
Gee, how come he isn’t in the bible? Actually have proof he existed outside of the bible, not that he is in it because he is a real person and
nothing real is in the bible. The sad fact that Monty Python the Life of Brian is more accurate then Mel Gibson’s the Passion of Christ is well,
sad. Elvis didn’t do any drugs.
Ok, with the NT BS tour, you got the “miracles” Ahem, I just saw Teller turn water into wine, and one into many, and I guess he is the next
messiah, right? Slight of hand people, not miracle. Healing people? Evangelicals do this all the time, it is fake, they use plants, but hey, the
devil is in the details. Now Jesus is dead, he comes back to life, right? Well, no proof of this, and of course no way to do this. Even with modern
technology it is hard to bring someone back from a state of death. (Declared dead by a medical person) But what do Christians use? Empty tomb, no
body in the tomb, had to come back to life and fly off into heaven. Wait, where is this tomb? Show me this empty tomb; I want to see this empty
tomb. What? You don’t know where it is, or if one even exists? Elvis didn’t do any drugs.
The Ten Commandments, these are a favorite on the BS tour. The Jews had it, but like everything else, Christians stole it and then said it was
“given” to them by god. Now, before the ten commandments you had them, it was called common sense, but most Christians are so ignorant they need
the 10C to tell them what is bad and what isn’t. Now the 10C were in the news when a judge fought to keep them in his court house. He lost and
they were removed, but poll shows 4 out of every 5 people wanted them to stay, and Candles in the Wind by Sir Elton John is the best selling song of
all time. Popular doesn’t make it right, or good. Look at Hitler, he was voted in by the majority, he was popular, same with GWB, Pol-Pot, and the
people who lead cults are all popular or they wouldn’t have a following. So again, popular is not always a good thing. Elvis didn’t do any
Now on the BS tour, hypocrisy and picking what you like and what you don’t. This is what Christians are famous for, they pick whatever rules they
like and follow them, but the ones they don’t they act as though they don’t exist. In fact, the passage republicans/Christians use to justify
making gays evil baby eating devil worshipping monsters, “If a man also lie with man-kind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an
abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them” also has that children who are disruptive are to be stoned to death.
Yep, they didn’t have Ritalin; they had rocks bludgeoning kids to death. “And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is
stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice, he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, the he
die: so shalt thou put evil….” Wow, how come they don’t mention this little rule? What? They don’t like it? Too bad, they are suppose to
follow the rules gods gave them, not just some, but all. So, you want more things from the bible? Here we go….
Exodus 21:7 says that it is ok to sell your daughter into SLAVERY!
Exodus 35:2 clearly states anyone working on the Sabbath is to be put to death.
Corinthians 11:14 “Doth not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair it is a shame unto him.” Wait, doesn’t JESUS have long
hair? I have never seen Jesus with a buzz cut, he always has long hair in any picture/painting you see.
Corinthians 11:19-24 demands that a man not go near a woman who is on her period. Try explaining that to the judge? “Ma’am, before I approach
the bench, are you on your period?”
If you believe that the bible is the word of god, and he is all powerful, YOU MUST FOLLOW HIS RULES! You can’t nitpick at which ones you want to
follow and which ones you don’t. You can’t follow the happy shiny people rules but dismiss all the other rules, you have to follow, ALL OF THEM!
Elvis didn’t do any drugs.
Now, what you should do is read the bible from cover to cover. Sure it gets old reading about the same thing, god killed these people, god killed
those people, god gets bored and kills people, but do it. Not because it is factual, or that it even has a good storyline, the characters are rather
bland except for the one killing all the people. But if you read it and learn what it is all about, I believe you will realize the mistakes made and
come back to reality/science/facts. Read it because we need more atheists. Elvis didn’t do any drugs.
Now I know Christians are going to do the same old “we right cause we say so, we can prove this by saying we are right because we said so, and
since we said so we are right because we said we were right cause we are right because we said so, and since we said so we are right because we said
we were right cause we are right because we said so, and since we said so we are right because we said we were right cause we are right because we
said so, and since we said so we are right because we said we were right cause we are right because we said so, and since we said so we are right
because we said we were right” But like I said at the beginning, all you people with faith are hard to teach cause you have faith, it’s wrong,
everything points to it being wrong, but anything versus faith loses for faith is not based on reality, science, or facts, but one’s own inability
to learn the truth, by one’s own ignorance, and by one’s own need for a crutch to get through life. Elvis never did any drugs.
[edit on 28-4-2005 by Amuk]