I'm hoping to start a dialogue about what defines today's conservatives and liberals for what they are. Personally, I seem to be all over the
place, and don't fit neatly into any pre-formed niche of political viewpoint. I try to take each issue on its own merits and decide what I think
will be acceptable position for reasonable compromise. I don't always follow any party line or politically defined agenda. That said, I want to
start things of with a stylized, controversial statement on what defines these terms we apply to ourselves and each other, and we'll take it from
"An interesting take:
Division of the human family into two distinct political groups began some
12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer and
would go to the beach and live on fish & lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization, and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives. Once beer was discovered it required grain, and
that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum
can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and
killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement." Other men who
were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ and doing the sewing,
fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal
men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girliemen."
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept
of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
donkey. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of
their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule in baseball, because it wasn't "fair" to make the
pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively
outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like
to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
most of the liberals remained in Europe, when conservatives were coming to
America. Then the Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed, and
created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
And you thought history was boring."
[edit on 16-4-2005 by Icarus Rising]