Common Interests

My girlfriend is always complaining how we have nothing in common. But is a woman and man really meant to be compatible with the same interests? What guy is gonna like shopping, jewellery, sewing, and romantic movies? If I had the same interests as her I would be a homosexual. I just cant see how a guy and girl can have the same interests all the time.

What about other things? Do you like the same music? Hang out with the same friends? Look for similarities in things that aren't labeled as "girly", I'm sure you'll find some.

And if not, who cares anyway? Opposites attract!

I found the most satisfying relationships I had were the ones that we had lots of common, not everything but a lot. But you have a misconception about what women do. Women do not spend their lives thinking of shopping, jewelry or seeing romantic movies. Some of like to watch football, sit around in our underwear and buy porn.

My spouse and I are different as night and day ideologically, but it's the little (but important) things that we share in common that make our relationship work. Embrace those things that you share and don't sweat the other stuff.


B.

[edit on 4/4/05 by Bleys]

True but you have to have some common ground,

Maybe what she is really saying is that you need to show more interest in what she does, or at least try and do some stuff with her, (I’m a women I know how we think lol)

Maybe you need to find a few things that you can both enjoy,

All in all being with someone is about sharing life a little,
Im sure she does not want you to wear lipstick and look for the latest fashion skirt,

Its more about going with her and telling her what she will look good in,

Well I think its a small minority that like football and buy porn. And why is that a guy has to get more interested into what the women does? Its always about making her happy. Why cant she get more involved with my interests?

tit for tat...

agree to do something she likes if she agrees to do something you like.

Such as:

Agree to go shopping one day, if she agrees to go to the game with you, etc.

TextWell I think its a small minority that like football and buy porn

nope....i buy loads......and watch tons of footy!......over here son.....on me head!

Alot of women like porn...the key is in understanding that womens porn is presented in a different way from what most men can even understand.
Women are bombarded by it daily ..on television..in books and magazines..etc etc. It is much more subtle and on a wavelength not understood by most men. Not all women .mind you ..Croat..but enough to creat a huge market for this stuff...and I mean huge.
One more thing..Croat...it is women who are more physical too..more than most men can even understand. Once again ..it is in a subtle way not on the radar screen of most men. They understand colours ..lines of fashion ..the cut...of clothes..etc ..automobiles..and marketing.
This line of thinking is invisible to most men...too much sports illustrated swimsuit editions blocking male thinking.
However your question about why men spend so much time trying out for a womans approval..is a valid one.
Trying out for a womans approval ...or common intrests means female power and control...or in otherwords..raises her value in the market place..to her and to other women who see this happening. Eventually, this means .homes ..cars..payments .insurance...vacations...etc etc etc... This means power and control ...even if the woman works...because she now has the potential of "options" not of her own labors. This is a social phenomonon. You do not find women doing much of this the other way around. It does not fit in with the female psyche...or belief system. You can tell this when you go into any department store. There are about seven times more floor space and personal products marketed to women than men. This is becasue women buy for women and men buy for women..not much the other way around. This is very telling about real value systems ..in a day of equality...yes??? You need to think this through very carefully. You just have to determine how much of this with which you want to tolerate.
What you dont want to do is have so much in common that you lose your identity or become competiton for goods and services. You also dont want to become a pushover ..trying out for approval..it is a narrow line. What you disapprove of in this arrangement of having things in common ..is the loss of power or control over your own life at which this method of operation hints.
Remember something ..Croat...what a knowlegable woman brings to a man is "Peace" ...not just Piece. Peace requires real commitment from a woman ..Piece does not. Having to spend alot of time making her happy or trying out for approval is not Peaceful. This is very very important if you are going to have a serious continuing relationship with a woman..for a woman who knows nothing about Peace will make a man miserable...substuting her program for his. All the Piece in the world will not make up the difference. This line of thinking is foreign to alot of men and women today.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Thanks for the essay. Though I think a man always succumbs to the woman. It is a womans world. You always have to meet their expectations, their desires. I dont think it will ever change. All these woman that leave their husbands who are cops - its totally unjustified. Do you think if the woman was a cop, and spent time away, would the husband leave her? I dont think so. Its the woman that decides everything, and runs everything.

You have me chuckling to myself with your posts. Curious as to how olde you are??
I tend to agree with some of your rationale. You describe the age old battle recorded historically ..over and over. The battle of the sexes. Whose will will win out.
I disagree in the concept that it is a womans world. Disagree totally on this. Women tend to think it is their world by default. This is because so many men try out for thier approval that they tend to think that if they play it right ..they can control things without being seen. For the most part they are correct and this is because they mostly deal with a very ignorant genre of males.
You need to get a handle on something about women and their psychology. Women will use and keep a man around that they can control. They do not however ..long term...respect one. You will find this over and over ...in history being repeated in different forms. I have posted this line of thought in different ways in this board on relationships to other posters...the latest is in the forum on "Im stuck in the Friends Zone."
Unthinking men find it difficult to defend a mans position ..if they cannot think and analyze outside certain limits imposed on them by their ignorance. Most women instinctively understand this and can lock on to this line of thinking in the dark..like radar.
It takes a certain caliber of woman ...to stand by a constable...or a military man. Most women today do not have what it takes. So many women today live lives of convenience....and ease compared to our mothers and grandmothers. Their thinking is based on these "options " of ease ..not obligations...why would you think any differently ..than this reality. This is what happens in a heavily merchandized society in which people learn to define themselves by what they can consume and acquire by someone elses labor and commitments ..not by backbone. This is why a woman of any caliber...today is a rare commodity in the marketplace.
Im not picking on the women...because the number and caliber of men who know this today is very low too..not many of them around anymore...no caliber here either. So why would you think women would know this today or even care.????? The men certainly dont!!!! Most of them.
I kid you not Croataianguy ..I know men who will consistently lose in a argument with their women and they can be correct in their positions but cant argue it through or make it stick. Talk about a dumb bunch of guys.
The arena that catchs most women short ..is always hardship...this is where most female skills fall by the wayside. With or without children. Hardship is where male and female skills come into play..hard times. Most women never see this one coming..because they tend to think that good times is what they deserve ..are entitled to. This is why so many think they dont need a man and men are interchangable commodities today. From their line of thinking they are correct. Until hard times come or the biology starts running out. Time catchs up with them. You know the type..they play the field wide open, dragging kids behind them,till the wrinkles come in and they cannot play the field as well and decide they need to lock life in.
However ..today .so many men are femminized ..they too cannot see this one coming and are not integrated into any hard times skills..just like the women. Hence they cannot defend a mans position...
Real manhood ..like womanhood cannot be purchased in a spray can or a squeeze tube by new products. Or by purchasing a new car..etc .. Real manhood and womanhood is internal not external. Real manhood and woman hood is not a default setting.
This is a concept so many people lose sight of in a highly merchandized society.
Be very careful about the women for whom you try out for approval. Make very sure they are of suitable caliber..or else leave them by the wayside.
"Peace " is what a good woman brings to a man..and this requires real commitment ..not the appearence of commitment so that you never really have to be committed. "Piece" is not it!!!]
"Peace" means that a mans home is a place of safety for him ..when he comes home he is comefortable ..safe from the outside world. It is a place he "desires" to come to to get away from the world. His bills are taken care of such that there are surpluses...not deficits...due to high consumption levels of the family...or chaos brought in from outside by the woman and kids. This line of thinking is so foreign to so many women today ...in lieu of thier default setting of how a home should be run..they eventually leave the man totally out of the view in favor of thier settings which amount to chaos. This is not entirely the woman and kids fault but also a mans fault for not knowing the difference and letting things run amok.
Mind you now.. a man can get all these things ..without a woman and kids if he has any skills at all..but idealy ..he would like to have them with a woman and kids. It doesnt matter if he is a constable or not...this is what a man should have in his home. Chaos and high consumption rates ...are not it. Much of this is a mans fault for not choosing or working with a woman who understands this concept. What usually happens is when he says I do ....his agenda goes out the window before he knows it and it replaced by hers and the childrens....carte blanche. No Peace and the Piece soon fades to nothing. Most men because they are unperceptive and uncommunicative..cannot get a woman to understand this. And a woman stuck on a default setting with hers and her girlfriends religion stuck on her mind .often cannot hear him even if he is able to communicate his concerns.
This is why it is important to choose a woman with some caliber..fortitude..understanding..not default settings...and ignorance...ie...consumption levels.
Sorry for the lengthy post but this is a difficult topic for many men..they are so stuck in the sports mind set ..that lengthy topics are too much for most.

Thanks,
Orangetom

Forgot to answer this one..Croatianguy,

Disagree ...on this...women often fall for men..they cant help it either. They just dont try out in the same manner and leave themselves vulnurablen in a different way than men. This does not mean to them it is not as devastating. Women just have different value systems ...than men meaning different points of vulnuarbility and sensitivity.

Thanks
Orangetom

Originally posted by croatianguy
My girlfriend is always complaining how we have nothing in common. But is a woman and man really meant to be compatible with the same interests? What guy is gonna like shopping, jewellery, sewing, and romantic movies? If I had the same interests as her I would be a homosexual. I just cant see how a guy and girl can have the same interests all the time.

Well you just named 4 things I'm not all that interested in so you didn't represent the entire female population with that statement. But you must have something you can share -- hiking, biking, fishing, photography, since you are in Australia I guess that rules out shooting sports - something DH and I share -- hmmm what else -- swimming, surfing, car racing, motorcycles something. I have learned to love lots of things DH does but he also does some things I enjoy -- when we are traveling he will go to zoos and museums and has found that he enjoys that also and never thought he would -- so maybe you have to loosen up a bit in whay you might enjoy also.

Maybe you aren't giving your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt that you could already have things you like in common -- then again maybe she isn't the girl for you or you aren't the guy for her.

As to your comment about women leaving cops -- my experience there has been that most of the ones who leave do so because their spouses/boyfriend has cheated on them -- it has nothing to do directly with the profession. And I say that from having friends who were married to cops -- have female friends who are cops --and also before getting married to a big bruser of a guy was hit on by more married cops that I ever would have thought possible.

Orangetom, im 25. By the way, Im just curious as to how you know so much about the differences between men and women. Are you a relationship counsellor?

Well you just named 4 things I'm not all that interested in so you didn't represent the entire female population with that statement.

Well you must be in the very small minority of women. How can a woman not like romantic movies?

I guess I'm more of a book person -- but I actually would rather watch an action movie than a romance. Although some of the comedy romances that have been out the past few years are kind of fun. But I hate war and cowboy movies -- so I still qualify as a girl Maybe it has to do with the fact that I grew up with all guys in my neighborhood or something.

But I really do think you should be able to come up with something you have in common and if she can do some things you enjoy and you can do some things she enjoys it all balances out in the final tally. Plus you each can find things that you many never have thought you might enjoy that way.

Hello CroatianGuy,
I am 44 years olde. I have been around the block a few times and I dont watch much tv or have any intrest in sports. Human interactions intrest me on certain levels. Psychology too. Especially the psychology of merchandizing. I am not a counsler..I have however been around long enough to watch many of the people I know and how they interact...enough to catalogue them and their methods of operation. Enough to watch for what is happening and what is not happening.
Having my own home makes it not difficult to get women to come over... and observe them...even get down in their minds. The sports section of the newspaper is the first section that I discard. Not intrested.
I am more of a book person..both for entertainment and learning. I have learned enough to ask people questions not out of the standard play book ..especially people who tend to be very maneuvering to get what they want from another person...especially in a relationship.
I have taught myself to cook ..maintain a house...pay bills...take care of my vehicles..etc etc...so these are not commodities for which I come to a woman. If I want to keep a woman coming around...alot she must have more in her bag of goodies than looks and bedroom talents. These are not rare or endangered talents in the marketplace. They are quite common. Especially when you realize that one day biology will run out ...and then real life skills or the abscence of them will tell ...quickly. This is such a important lesson that so few men ever learn..for their whole life... or women either......it just isnt taught in high school or college..in lieu of rampant consumerism.
You would do well to remember this when "trying out " for a womans approval ratings or something in "common".
I agree somewhat with Justme1640 in that you can find some thing in common ..however...do not overlook the value where you can compliment each other in talents which are not the same...not common. Complimentary is important too ..in supporting each other long term. There is something to the biblical expression about not being "unequally Yoked". However, there is also something to being complimentary ..especially in the male female roles which differ...alot. Complimentary..not competitive. Got it???
This means supportive. Male and female. Not competitive. A concept long gone out of alot of peoples in America..in favor of rampant consumerism.

Thanks for your reply Croatianguy,
Dont worry to much about trying out for a womans approval..I dont make a career out of it ..I draw the line on it in certain arenas..quickly. Common intrests are ok....but you still have to be a man..

Thanks ,
Orangetom

I do like movies..today I bought a second hand movie..called " A walk in the Clouds" A romance movie. It was actually good. not like some. I do not however..define who and what I am in terms of movies...as do some who post on these boards. Their lives seem only to be described in terms of some movie they have seen. Astonishing to me.
One more thing ...very important ..Croatianguy..I am a machinist in a local shipyard. I build aircraft carries and submarines for a living. So putting my safety ..my life on the line for my moneys ...is not a new phenomonon to me. It is not quite like constabulary work..but it can be dangerous none the less. This does not make me better than some peoples but it does make me different. My moneys are sometimes very hard earned...with lessons not easily forgotten. So when I take up with a woman ..I want and expect real value from her ..not second hand advertising..or the appearence of commitment so that they never really have to be committed. I will weed them out quickly. No airheads need apply..got it??? If you are in constabulary work..you will do well to remember this for the moneys you earn. Your moneys can sometimes come quite dearly.
Thanks,
Orangetom

Wow ive never thought about women watching pornography before. Ive always thought it was only a guy thing.

No problem,

I am glad that you realize something about the width and bredth of what I was describing.

I kid you not..go into any grocery store, drug store..or department store and look at the magazine titles...all the sexual connotations and denotations. Pick one up and look at the articles and also the advertisements. No or almost no advertisements for tools and equipment to help a woman in her career outside of beauty products. This is because to so many beauty, beauty products and sexuality is the career opportunity. Dont let them fool you ...This is the safety net when all else fails...and it is pornographic. Totally contrary to the concept that women are doing so much today ..leaving men totally behind. This concept and how it works..depends on a group of men being carte blanche ignorant..and there are many of them excatly this way..ignorant.
You Balon..are waking up to a new view of what is really happening out here...the blinders are for now..off of you ..dont let them be put back on you...congratulations.
As I recall years ago..there was a magazine which tried to do exactly this...help women professionally ..outside the beauty/sex arena...and it failed...almost no women bought it. I think it was called "Savy". It folded.

Nevertheless..congratulations Balon...you are now awake..

Thanks,
Orangetom