I wrote this poem a few days back, I'd appreciate any feedback, critical or otherwise.

In a world of hope
The Lonely Heart lies
A song and a smile
Linger beyond sulken eyes

A kiss is misleading
Behind lips, she hides
Longing for somewhere
For her love to reside

She met a soul like the Sun
Who dried tears that she cried
Held close in his arms
She left years behind

Lost deep in the love
She could only abide
Until time took it's toll
And life would subside

Left in the dark
The Sun gone from her side
With nothing but emptiness
To stay as her guide

[edit on 4/4/2005 by Lenina]

i like it .. thanks

and for your title i'd see ; deep love

[edit on 3-4-2005 by kalki]

I like that title suggestion a lot, thank you.

Originally posted by Lenina
Left in the dark
The Sun gone from her side
With nothing but emptiness
To stay as her guide
[edit on 4/4/2005 by Lenina]

emptiness is not empty
as you will soon know
I like your song but
for me it's too long

no prob if you have some more , i like to read poems sometimes

heres a short one of mine.. im french sorry for the lack of style..

holy wood

obtain a gain
avoid a lost
this is the game
In the eye we trust
i can see the pain
the televised rust
the illuminated law
the universal flaw

I like that kalki, it's very short ant to the point.

Thanks for the feedback Mito!

Here's another, again, untitled, I'm not very good at choosing titles

Furry Face Fellow

One empty night, in days of old
I travelled in the bitter cold
A beast I met along my walk
For many hours did we talk

He spoke of things I never knew
They were seen, he claimed by very few
He spoke of creatures taller than he
(though he was twice as tall as me)

He spoke of faries tickled pink
Who live under my kitchen sink
Of gnomes with their noses long
Who live for nothing but to sing a song!

He spoke of trees who grew wooden feet
Some of these creatures, I'd like to meet!
The beast looked at me with his furry face
And said that he must leave this place

He missed his home, much too dear
And longed for fairies songs to hear
On that note he turned around
His feet stomping on the ground

I watched him until he was out of sight
And hoped someday that I just might
Meet my furry friend again
I think that this is not the end


Lenina

EDIT: Added title

[edit on 4/4/2005 by Lenina]

Originally posted by Lenina
Here's another, again, untitled, I'm not very good at choosing titles

Good one How about frozen forest/cold night/blue eyes for title?
btw don't ask about the last one

Lost deep in the love
She could only abide
Until time took it's toll
And life would subside

oh, yeah. I love this part. I have the same conception on such a situation.

very nice! at all events, it´s not too long. Tasty.

best wishes

dc

Originally posted by Lenina
Here's another, again, untitled, I'm not very good at choosing titles

Furry Face Fellow

EDIT: Added title

[edit on 4/4/2005 by Lenina]

Good pick

yeah, you have talent, some nice poetics..expecially the new ones!

If you meant that for me, dacruz, Thanks! Even if you didn't I'll be cocky and assume you did anyway

I really enjoyed your first poem... as it is very heart felt and meaningful. Sorry for this question, but did you write it from personal experience. If so you will find that in the end Love isn't broken.... it is whole.