TextRose's are red,
Violet's are blue.
I'm scitzophranic,
and so am I.

Some of the people on the forum I listed are unmedicated. I realize now that I should have U2U'd the post to Infinite.

Please do not post those who are suffering personal plights, no matter how amusing they may seem to you.

Dot.

*Mod Edit: to remove possibly dangerous medical advice and recommending illegal drug use.*

[edit on 5-4-2005 by kinglizard]

I didn't mean to sound insensitive, nor was I mocking anybody. I've been spending a lot of time at that website simply because psychosis has one positive aspect, which is that it promotes creativity. Compared to what we "norms", borderline cases and either-ors write, what psychotics come up with is you-neek and absolutely glorious. For example, this poem....

The Valley

Like Virgin nymphs welcoming Spring
by hanging stocking and fish net hose
on the limbs of bare trees
the call of deep woodlyn winds blow
the glow of her marked shoulders
back dimpeled bent exposed
with spoon she holds distance
stirring the taste of upward grin
the sound of the lighted sun
she pours wet wishes in the bud’s blooming pollen tongue
fall rummages in boxes golden
plastic wrap her smile
with whispers nursing rhyme
the burning call grows
6 leaf clovers crawl out her bra
where she keeps abreast of the channel 5 news

the call follows the curve of the rolling river
to the delicate bridal shower slave
made from natural ingrediants
and flowers concaved

her face marketed in the shopping cart
buckle the pearl necklace beading from her neck
the pearls ripped out of the clam's heart
feeding on the ackward silence of her breathing
their hands passively moving over
inspecting the warm loaves
in her broke open bread box
handled
white gloves intrude with butter
sing in the passing death of the color yellow
the tear runs down her dirty blue jeans

tetherEd to the stake the business men awake
busy they rush to spread their snares
to package and sell her beauty
ground into frakenfutters

scatter the leaves as they scatter the butterflies
her body perky broken


wings tied
her wedding ring on the scarecrow’s thumb
makeS corn rippen and old men grow young
made in an outlet to a planet or a pea pod
she always had the solution - theplug -
to believe
she’s a peace of God.
*

Originally posted by joepits
*Mod Edit: to remove possibly dangerous medical advice and recommending illegal drug use.*

way to go, joepits. tell someone who has a severe psychoactive disorder to not take prescribed meds, but instead abuse psychoactives/hallucinogens, all of which have been shown to cause psychoactive episodes.

16.) Discussion of illegal activities such as drug use, drug paraphernalia, hacking, etc. are strictly forbidden.

take a look at the terms and conditions, and I'll be passing along your post to the mods, not only because of the TOS violation, but because it lacks common sense, and is totally off-topic.

[edit on 5-4-2005 by kinglizard]

[edit on 5-4-2005 by Bobbo]

thank you very much
thank you to everyone who is helping me

Originally posted by infinite
its sad that i cant remember the good old days when i was laughing and happy....those days are long gone

Whoa man, hold on a second.

Mental illness, of most sorts, is not permanent and is not something that people can't deal with.

Like I noted before, a friend of mine had a similar experience. I can't say that he specifically had schizophrenia proper. but effectively he had some sort of psychotic break. Let me do the rundown if I didn't post about this.

He was a business studnet, doing well, in college, had a g/f, had good friends, everything was more or less hunkydory (nothing ever is 'perfect', but things were good). Anyway, slowly people started noticing that he was acting unusual for himself. I wasn't aware of it tho.

From what I was told, this friend started thinking that the sports announcers were talking about him and making fun of him. He heard them talking about him. He thought that the univerisity's website had webpages about him and his girlfriend. He read and saw the pages. He was working on a paper with some other students, and when the disk came to him to do his part, he read that there were all sorts of insults and godknows what from the previous person. He started yelling at his housemates and all sorts of things went down and people realized that there was something every wrong. By the time I heard about this (it built up and exploded pretty quickly) we were all taking him to the airport to fly him home, and he was like another person, just, completely despondant, literally head in hands and then sometimes cracking up at absolutely nothing.

He went home, he saw a psych, he was put on anti-psychotics, he spent some of the first week or two back home at a psych ward, and he got better.

Hell, the bastard still graduated on time and got a nice job in the field he wanted, an apartment and a new girlfriend shortly after it all. He got thru it because he worked on it and because he had good medication and met with his psychologist. Whatever differences there are between your problems and his, don't listen to people telling you to do anything in terms of your treatment except for your psychologists. Apparently this is something that happens to people in their mid 20's ish, it just seems to pop up at that time.

So, keeping that in mind, and relating it to this webforum, the internet can be a bane and a boom for these kind of things. One the one hand, the people here and elsewhere are varaiably experienced with these sorts of things (and others who are not), and any sort of discussion is generally good. On the other hand, if you want to give your brain something to imagine things about and to be paranoid with, the internet in general is not a good place for that.

Anyway, what does your girlfriend and family think about this?

im fighting the urges now to take a knife to myself

Jesus christ man, Don't effing do that! You don't have anything 'horrible' in you, you're a person, people make mistakes and do bad things and they have to work thru that. But you do not have some 'thing' inside of you.

I listen to music and read alot now to take my mind of it.

How often do you see your close friends?

[qote] I dont feel anything demonic is ruining my life, something else is.

Why would your life be being ruined?

Originally posted by Nygdan
[
Mental illness, of most sorts, is not permanent and is not something that people can't deal with.

I agree whole-heartedly. My form will most likely be permanent, but because I have a really good team of doctors, it's pretty much "under control." When I say under control, I mean I'm no longer putting cigarettes out on my arm and plunging ink pens into my wrist.

I did those things to see what it was like to have feelings. I was numb. And hurting myself physically didn't do the job.

The pills they give me don't cause numbness, they prevent it. I have some semblance of feelings (other than paranoia, which was all I felt for years). I feel love for a handful of people. I hated just about everyone until I got help.

Yeah, I experience symptoms throughout the day, but I can deal with them now. It's about acceptance. Living day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I'm not trying to sound new-age, it's just a fact for me.

The most important thing is to listen to your physicians right now. Some of them may seem like ayholes to you, but once you get more comfortable in your skin you can consider seeing someone else. Don't do it out of haste.

Nygdan was right. It took me twenty-four years to have full-blown schizophrenia, but it took a short time to get back in "the parade."

Dot.

Anyway, what does your girlfriend and family think about this?

Family dont talk about it, girlfriend is worried for me

How often do you see your close friends?

Quite alot, almost daily at college.

DotGov101--

No problemo.

I should've mentioned your blog. So far, what I've read of ATS recreational writing, except that blog, has been of dismal quality. In the Collaborative Fiction section you find massive, wordy, descriptive paragraphs, and blogs are trifling..."yesterday I decided I'd bake a spinach soufflé, so I called my stepmother to ask for instructions thereof... then I thought, why not just go out for some fast food instead... then the phone rang, I picked it up, and guess who it was...". This might be unfair. I've read very little. But that's because the first tries were so discouraging.

On the other hand, you and Ray Bradbury are the only two people I know of for whom the subject is irrelevant. Whatever you sit down and write will sound amusing. Does this have anything to do with chemical imbalances? You're a natural resource, a force of nature, a magical wellspring, a horn of plenty etc. etc. etc.

Originally posted by dotgov101
I mean I'm no longer putting cigarettes out on my arm and plunging ink pens into my wrist.

Well thank god for that.
[moer]

infinite
Quite alot, almost daily at college.

You are still capable of going to classes? Thats good then.

Family dont talk about it

Sometimes people just can't deal i guess.

girlfriend is worried for me

Well she sounds like a good girlfriend then!

Originally posted by Macrento
...you and Ray Bradbury are the only two people I know of for whom the subject is irrelevant. Whatever you sit down and write will sound amusing. Does this have anything to do with chemical imbalances?

[farfrombeingamod edit: reader is incapable of receiving compliments]

*gasp* Thank you. Today's blog was rather "I went to the store"-ish, but there are moments of both wisdom and complete lack of logic. I can't believe anyone aside from myself would even glance at it.

Which I do, two three times a day. Thank you, Macrento.In answer to your question, by the time I get to the second paragraph, I've completely disregarded the subject window.

I read just yesterday that shiz. people use a lot of analogies and parallels. Put me in, coach.

Okay, on topic. Writing is my only outlet. The only, only one. At times, my spoken phrases are monotone and mono-syllabic. Yes. No. Huh. Yeah. Belch. Hi. Bye.

Once My Team decided to wean me off of one of my tranquilizers, I've had both good and bad symptoms surface.

Good=I laugh a few times during the day. I finish my sentences. Usually when I'm being laughed at. I get laughed at usually when the bad symptoms surface.

Here's why:

Bad= Hallucinating openly. Today, at work, I saw a large bottle of Nivea something or another. I decided to open my mouth and tell the elderly women my secret to looking "young." I opened the bottle, and quietly explained to them that they need to moisturize their necks in addition to their faces, to prevent wrinkles. I smeared the stuff all over my face and neck, all the while stuttering the benefits of wearing an SPF. Everything went blank, and when I opened my eyes, I saw that they were looking at me in horror.They asked me what in God's name was I doing.

"Moisturizing my skin. It's important!"
"That's not lotion, Megan, it's shampoo! Didn't you hear us telling you to stop?"
"Why didn't you stop me????"
"We tried. You just kept smearing it all over you."

Thank God it wasn't Nair. We wear short shorts.

My hallucinations are usually very familiar to me. Lots of blue swirls and blank periods of time. Voices. Thinking without a doubt that I can see sub-atomic particles. Every time I hear laughter I'm convinced that it's about me.

But open hallucinations truly sukke. Especially when there's people around. I've said this many many times: there is no <-BACKSPACE button in life. Once you've done something, you've done it. There's no spell checker. No cutting and pasting. No avatars.

Luckily, I'm medicated so that I don't do dangerous things to myself. But I'm at the max with my anti-psychotics. That in itself is dangerous. They know it works, but only in extremely high doses.
Here's my point...
So I get caught rubbing shampoo on my neck and face. Big deal. Life is good. I can laugh with people now. That makes a huge difference, is being able to laugh at yourself. If people who are physically impaired can joke about their ailments, why can't I?

While awaiting My Turn to get my teeth x-rayed, a man came in with a mechanized high-tech wheelchair. He had to use his head to control its movement. Everyone except for me stared at the six-digit wheelchair. I looked him right in the eye. He winked at me, and maneuvered it next to where I was sitting.

He could see that I was you neek. With a clear and loud voice, he turned his head to me and asked:

"Mind if I sit here?"

Dot.

Books

That's exactly the sort of things people want to read about, which is why so many books about them have become bestsellers, like Sybil, The Three Faces of Eve, Operators & Things and The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat & Other Clinical Tales. The subject is a motherlode for the book business. BIG BUCKS.

I can't believe anyone aside from myself would even glance at it.

Why should that be surprising. After all, a certain publishing house has already told you to write more of the same and when there's enough of it they will publish. (And you won't even need a ghost writer.) Then maybe we'll get to know who the author, the warehouse boss and the onetime Cold War key turner at the missile silo really are!

Fading short-term memory

(...) by the time I get to the second paragraph, I've completely disregarded the subject window.

This ought to be described more fully. For example, you say that by the time you've finished writing a blog entry you've forgotten what's in the previous paragraphs. Does this mean that one can never sit and read an entire book, or even a longish article, because the mind retains only what's being read at the moment?

And what about movies. They would be a succession of meaningless, unconnected scenes. So it looks like the person couldn't handle anything that takes more than a few minutes.

This doesn't happen only to people with sz. At school there was a girl who required special attention because she kept forgetting what she had learned. Otherwise she was entirely run-of-the-mill.
*

If you are diagnosed with schizophrenia, there is a lot of help out there, my advice, contact your local mental health department and start going to classes and groups for mental illnesses, they can educate you much better than anyone here. There is a ton of support for people who suffer from schizophrenia, and it really is not uncommon at all, and no, they dont lock you up unless you are a danger to yourself and other, which most people are not.
A lot of people have episodes once or twice in thier life and do recover fully. Then again, some people do not recover. Long term meth use can cause drug induced schizophrenia. (for any meth heads out there, you need to be aware of this as I met several people who became schizophrenic due to meth use)

Last year I had to check myself into a hospital due to my chronic ptsd, and met a few people who were schizophrenic, and they were really nice people, just the voices they were hearing were not. An effective form of therapy is electro shock, however, it does slow you down, and can cause serious memory problems. Many drugs out there are effective too. Electro shock is a last resort, but works, I learned a lot in the hospital about many mental illnesses, and my best advice is to seak out the local mental health clinic and start going to groups.

Good luck, and please people, stop the stigma of mental illnesses, these are born out of ignorence.

This thread is pretty long, so i haven't read through all of it. I hope no one has mentioned this yet, but if they have then sorry for posting the same info twice.

I always found it amazing that schizophrenia and parkinsons desease are related. It turns out if you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, when it comes to dopamine, schizophrenia or parkinsons will develope. If you have too much dopamine in your brain parkinsons disease will occur, and if you have too little schizophrenia develops.

Often doctors will perscribe dopamine pills to schizoprenics and consequently their dopamine levels get too high and the patients develope parkinson's. Same goes with people with parkinson's, except these patients' dopamine levels drop significantly and turn into schizophrenics.

I wonder if infinite is still reading this? I hope so.....I also hope the "demons" here didn't scare him off.

Originally posted by Macrento
The subject is a motherlode for the book business. BIG BUCKS...

Yes, but if it were to become a "career," it wouldn't be fun anymore. Not that I wouldn't mind being published...grin....I just see it as a series of stream-of-consciousness rambles when I go back and read it. It's so tempting to erase, because of my fluctuations.
...

Originally posted by Macrento

(...) by the time I get to the second paragraph, I've completely disregarded the subject window.

This ought to be described more fully. For example, you say that by the time you've finished writing a blog entry you've forgotten what's in the previous paragraphs. Does this mean that one can never sit and read an entire book, or even a longish article, because the mind retains only what's being read at the moment?

Yep. I can only read about (on average) ten pages at a time now. I used to be able to retain the entire book as a child, but my short-term memory was one my first assets to go. Nowadays, I'll ask the same question 2-3 times within a five-minute time frame. Everyone who knows me is used to it. They know not to say, "You've already asked me that," because I get frustrated. Instead, they patiently answer the question once more.

People who do not know me, on the other hand, come to the conclusion in a matter of minutes that I'm Different. If their names are too difficult to remember (usually names ending with an "ee" sound), I'll tell them that I've given them a new nickname. This amuses them, because for some reason people enjoy being given nicknames?? When I first met Ted, I called him "Tim" for three months straight.

Sometimes the guys (my brother and S/O) get sneaky. If I want to see a chick-flick, they'll say I already watched it. They do this to prevent the psychological turmoil a man experiences from watching girlie-shows. I am able to watch a 1/2 hour show and remember most, but not all, of it.

With movies and books, I have to watch/read them two, three times to "get the point." If there are a lot of characters, I'm lost. When I write a post that is research-oriented, I'm constantly "Alt-TAB"-ing, back and forth, back and forth.

But I am able to perform tasks that I had learned prior to my breakdown. Driving. Cleaning. Typing (72 WPM). Writing. My speaking skills are dwindling, which is common.

I can also remember just about everything prior to my illness onset. But the time period between then and now is a blur. Like 5 radio stations playing at once. Images from the past will pop up, and I can see/smell/hear/feel everything, as if I am there (flashback). This happens with both positive and negative memories. Its frequency is every few hours.

When I am in a flashback, I "check out" from the real world. At work, people will holler my name to bring me back. (HELLO! Ding Dong! Megan! Come Back!) They refuse to touch me or tap me on the shoulder.. I guess they're afraid I'd snap (which I wouldn't).

My long-term memory is fine. My short-term is shot to chit. Ever see "Momento?" It's an extreme example of short-term memory loss.

Dot.

im still here reading through all the advice that has been given to me via this thread, i havent been scared off by any "demons"...im still here learning, reading and coping.

Originally posted by Macrento
...a la James Joyce, so maybe it's high-grade lit....

The reluctance is puzzling. The book industry is drooling over the ramblings and the author plays hard-to-get. There has got to be a deeper, hidden motive. Maybe there's a "childhood drama" being played out again & again, involving the Need To Withhold the Coveted Object. (Disclaimer: Just a bit of popular psychology. Not to be taken seriously.)

As of now, I have closed archives going back until Nov 2004. I started reading them today....OMG. My style has morphed from "This is what I do for a living" to "prednisone is bad, mmmkay?"

It reads like I'm getting to know all of you. Like a shy friend.

But, alas, it belongs to Mr. Gray, methinks. I have been pondering your parallels to genius authors of past, and I just might, just might. . . find an editor.

What's the worst thing that can happen? Nothing worse than what's happening now, right?

It so happens that the next-to-last episode of the blog involves some high comedy with a Big Girl chasing the author around the car in the garage, & seeming to be high on meth. She ought to be warned about the risk of developing sz.

I think that this sz has a "LOSER" magnet implanted somewhere near the bathroom in my skull.

Dot: that disturbing "signature" reminds one of "Flowers For Algernon", the short story (1959), later a novel & a movie ("Charlie"). After reading the story the sadness lingers for weeks. Saddest piece of fiction I've ever come across.

Ahhhh. Charlie. I read that book when I wore ribbons and braids. Very few people grasp what it is like to be No More. Never saw the movie (usually don't). I cried when I read the short story "Harrison Bergeron" by Vonnegut. It's about what the world would be like if everyone was exactly equal and everything was fair. (ugly ballet dancers, stuttering newscasters), but for a few minutes, on national television, a man decides to be himself and is Free.

I won't ruin the ending for you.

Haunting voice

Does the latest blog entry (Ophelia, etc.) come with special effects or are the ghosts haunting me? All of a sudden one hears a whispering, sexy voice slowly singing a love song "a capella", in Spanish. So unexpected that you wonder where it's coming from & what's going on. Rather eerie!
*

It's a sound effect I made. It's actually Salma Hayek singing "Quedate Aqui" from the Desperadao soundtrack. I sped it up and added an echo so that it would sound like a voice I know quite well.

Sorry for short response...
Your compliments astound me.

dot.