It looks like you're using an Ad Blocker.

Please white-list or disable AboveTopSecret.com in your ad-blocking tool.

Thank you.

 

Some features of ATS will be disabled while you continue to use an ad-blocker.

 

The bloated dead covid horse in the room

page: 1
18

log in

join
share:
+8 more 
posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 06:01 AM
link   
(Alternate title, Toilet Anger #2: Rage Against The Latrine

www.abovetopsecret.com... )



But I'm afraid this thread takes a bit of a sour turn, much like the dinner my family and I ate last night. We all found ourselves here in the wee hours shouting, hurling, accusing..

"You picked the restaurant!"

"Well you picked the dishes!"

"Well you let them sit out too long!"


However, our kangaroo court was cut short and our true masters soon called. We were dashing for toilet seats mid-session.

Yes, it was takeout food poisoning my friends, and felt grievously by all who partook.

******

Trembling, I perched atop the old porcelain rampart like a gargoyle with fixed eye staring at the world below me--dabbing the occasional pool of sweat away from my brow--I began to really think. Could this have been prevented? Who is to blame? Will my gut ever stop churning?

This particular establishment we ordered from is reputable, consistent, and trustworthy. We have been ordering from them for over a decade. Odds were high in favor that we would have been perfectly healthy just like the hundreds of times before.

But with another reload of the water tank, and a furious rumble echoing within, I planned my countermaneuver to this vile assault on my body and my toilet. No more takeout maybe exclude just this ethnic style cuisine perhaps ban all food that isn't pre-nuked in the microwave? How to enforce these restrictions on all parties for the preservation of their lower GI system?

Laborious and revolting though it came, I found the answer.

There is no blame here, there is no fool-proof strategy to avoid this chocolatey massacre from happening again.

There is always the hidden risk of bubbling mud when I step outside my home. I need not even track that far to find intestinal danger, as it can strike from anywhere at anytime.

******

There is risk and personal responsibility in all things. There is no right for me not to get sick. Check the data. I'm not making this up! It's not in any constitution, edict, or gospel that I have a right to not get sick. It is no one's job to protect me but myself and my TP manufacturer of choice.

Every day that I'm alive I am at risk food poisoning, illness, physical injury, piano falling on me, small mammal attacks, cooties, destructive acts of God or blm/antifa--and yes even covid.

It is a chaotic and dangerous world out there, my friends. Safety not guaranteed! Yes you can take measures like never ordering #5 Dinner Special again, or preparing food at home to reduce risk, and it doesn't hurt to keep a matchbook and stack of magazines handy (Dirt Wheels or Mom's Basement Quarterly.)

There are some regulations in place to mostly prevent this sort of thing. Health inspections and food prep standards etc.

But the risk is always there, we must accept the inherent risks of just being alive. Yeah it's a crappy deal, but where else are you gonna take your business?

It's a matter of when, not if. It's a matter of fiery but mostly peaceful, or possibly a steamy exorcising of demons instead.


But at the end of the day, s**t is gonna happen.











edit on 19-9-2020 by NarcolepticBuddha because: (no reason given)




posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 06:09 AM
link   
a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

The most eloquently described case of the runs in history.

Cheers for the giggle.



posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 06:13 AM
link   
I think if you use imported Chinese toilet paper it causes more people have diarrhea on an hourly basis.



posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 08:13 AM
link   

originally posted by: Grenade
a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

The most eloquently described case of the runs in history.



Thank you



posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 08:14 AM
link   

originally posted by: musicismagic
I think if you use imported Chinese toilet paper it causes more people have diarrhea on an hourly basis.


Ha!

Well I won't disclose the style of food, but at least the paper wasn't Chinese thank goodness



posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 08:25 AM
link   
Well, was the food good enough to be worthy of the aftereffects?

Although painful, was it less expensive than those expensive cleanses?

In my own experiences, the answer was no to both of those. LOL



posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 08:27 AM
link   

originally posted by: chiefsmom
Well, was the food good enough to be worthy of the aftereffects?

Although painful, was it less expensive than those expensive cleanses?

In my own experiences, the answer was no to both of those. LOL


The cost-benefit analysis should never inspire the words "Let's order that again!"




posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 10:41 AM
link   
a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

I think I have PTSD now.

nice.



posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 07:06 PM
link   
I'm not sure what I read, but instinct is telling me it's a snuff story about a poor toilet.

Either way, I don't think you've lived till you've killed one yourself.



posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 08:32 PM
link   
Well that was graphic, lol. A wise man musing on his porcelain throne says all there is to say about covid! Bravo!

Hope you feel better soon



posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 08:47 PM
link   
LMAO, that was pretty damn good, Narc. There's no way anyone else could have written about food poisoning trots quite as well, lol.

Hopefully this isn't stepping on toes, but...may I add to your thread, fellow Bad Luck Poovian? I've also recently had a most unfortunate Urgent of Urgencies incident myself.


It's probably a good thing we were not venturing in to the same business after eating several days ago. Both of us could have done a number on Target's sanitation system, probably war scale damage.

Well, ok, I was doing that scale of damage myself. I have been growing habaneros and cayennes this year, with the intent of making hot sauce.

I have no patience, this has not been working. I keep eating the damn things, every day. Sometimes twice a day. Or in the case of the Target Toilet Nuke, four of them at once during breakfast, to show my kids just what kind of an iron gut their brave, heroic mother has.

Let's just say, sometimes my blonde kid origins show through. This was one of those times.

Later that day, we needed to make a run to Target, we're quite fond of several of their store brand items. Also, we were out of toilet paper, so this was essentially a butt wipe restocking run.

We make our usual loop, grab the necessary items we went there for, and on the way to the register, this...foreboding feeling overtakes me.
I pause a moment, wondering where that came from, only to suddenly damn near double over.

Oh dear god, it's the one and only gas cramp warning shot you get for the "FIND A TOILET NOW! FIND A TOILET RIGHT TF NOW!" internal alarm. Which I think was now about DEFCON 2 urgency. Boy, that escalated fast.

I'm still doubled over, desperately trying to straighten up and scan for bathroom signage. In my toilet urgency-induced panic, I'd utterly forgotten most Targets have them up front somewhere, so I'm looking...everywhere but up front.

I shove the cart over to my husband, who reminds me, "Toilets are up front, remember?" Gotta love that almost psychic sense some spouses have. Either that, or it was very obvious something unpleasant for everyone within nose-shot was near.

Like a bat out of hell, I was. To my luck, I crossed the distance, which seemed entirely too damn far for some reason, unnoticed. I entered the bathroom, and to my relief, I was the only one in there. WHEW.

Got in the stall to do my business, rather punishing business as it was, and I hear the door open. I freeze, and try to control the involuntary intestinal contractions as best I could. I hear the slowing shuffling and mouth noise making characteristic of the elderly. "Oh hell, I hope she can't smell good anymore..."

"Hoooo boy, I don't know what you dun eat and I don't wanna know. Smells like something died up in there!"

Oh hooray, I got me a comedic Southern granny


She does her thing while tossing in the occasional funny quip between my nervous giggles and apologies for the offensive air quality, while I attempt to quietly finish doing my thing (ha!) She's up and out of there in a in only a few minutes' time, not that I blame the old bird. I wanted the hell out of there 5 minutes ago, too.

Granny shuffles her way to the door after drying her hands, muttering not under her breath enough, "Sweet Jesus, that'll gag a maggot in the Stone Ages..." Part of me was still mortified, part of me was extraordinarily pleased. I'd never heard it equated to as "gagging a maggot in the Stone Ages" before. Now there's a good one to remember!

A few minutes later, I'm finally convinced I'm good to go and the risk is low enough to pay & attempt to head home. I wash my hands, idle at the dryer as if it was going to blow the shame off me or something, and eventually exit the bathroom, leaving that unholy nuclear battlefield behind me.

I find my husband and both kids patiently waiting outside the area for me, they'd already paid. I catch up, apologizing for how long it took. We got out of there pretty quickly, and as we're loading the car up, my husband says to me while chuckling, "So. Does your contribution today mean Target can cancel any standing pest control contacts? I can't imagine anything walking out of there alive after you got done. Can't take you anywhere, dammit..."


edit on 9/19/2020 by Nyiah because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 08:57 PM
link   

originally posted by: igloo
Well that was graphic, lol. A wise man musing on his porcelain throne says all there is to say about covid! Bravo!

Hope you feel better soon


Somehow I have made 'toilet sermons' my thing on ATS :|

Thank you, I am feeling better!






edit on 19-9-2020 by NarcolepticBuddha because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 19 2020 @ 09:16 PM
link   
a reply to: Nyiah

Thank you so much for sharing! Your response alone made this whole OP worth posting. And it was beautifully written as well, excellent job. I was in hysterics the whole time!

You can always tell in public if I'm in distress because I start to walk like this




Encouraged by your story, perhaps I'll have future editions to my Toilet Anger Literary Universe.

There is still the story I like to call "Bangkok Delight"

And the worst of them all--"I'm taking the aisle seat on this flight and that's just the way it's going to be!"




edit on 19-9-2020 by NarcolepticBuddha because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 20 2020 @ 07:25 PM
link   
a reply to: Nyiah

This thread just gets better and better. Next time I have volcanic ass syndrome I’ll take notes and return.

Very funny guys




top topics



 
18

log in

join