LMAO, that was pretty damn good, Narc. There's no way anyone else could have written about food poisoning trots quite as well, lol.
Hopefully this isn't stepping on toes, but...may I add to your thread, fellow Bad Luck Poovian? I've also recently had a most unfortunate Urgent of
Urgencies incident myself.
It's probably a good thing we were not venturing in to the same business after eating several days ago. Both of us could have done a number on
Target's sanitation system, probably war scale damage.
Well, ok, I was doing that scale of damage myself. I have been growing habaneros and cayennes this year, with the intent of making hot sauce.
I have no patience, this has not been working. I keep eating the damn things, every day. Sometimes twice a day. Or in the case of the Target Toilet
Nuke, four of them at once during breakfast, to show my kids just what kind of an iron gut their brave, heroic mother has.
Let's just say, sometimes my blonde kid origins show through. This was one of those times.
Later that day, we needed to make a run to Target, we're quite fond of several of their store brand items. Also, we were out of toilet paper, so this
was essentially a butt wipe restocking run.
We make our usual loop, grab the necessary items we went there for, and on the way to the register, this...foreboding feeling overtakes me.
I pause a moment, wondering where that came from, only to suddenly damn near double over.
Oh dear god, it's the one and only gas cramp warning shot you get for the "FIND A TOILET NOW! FIND A TOILET RIGHT TF NOW!" internal alarm. Which I
think was now about DEFCON 2 urgency. Boy, that escalated fast.
I'm still doubled over, desperately trying to straighten up and scan for bathroom signage. In my toilet urgency-induced panic, I'd utterly forgotten
most Targets have them up front somewhere, so I'm looking...everywhere but up front.
I shove the cart over to my husband, who reminds me, "Toilets are up front, remember?" Gotta love that almost psychic sense some spouses have. Either
that, or it was very obvious something unpleasant for everyone within nose-shot was near.
Like a bat out of hell, I was. To my luck, I crossed the distance, which seemed entirely too damn far for some reason, unnoticed. I entered the
bathroom, and to my relief, I was the only one in there. WHEW.
Got in the stall to do my business, rather punishing business as it was, and I hear the door open. I freeze, and try to control the involuntary
intestinal contractions as best I could. I hear the slowing shuffling and mouth noise making characteristic of the elderly. "Oh hell, I hope she can't
smell good anymore..."
"Hoooo boy, I don't know what you dun eat and I don't wanna know. Smells like something died up in there!"
Oh hooray, I got me a comedic Southern granny
She does her thing while tossing in the occasional funny quip between my nervous giggles and apologies for the offensive air quality, while I attempt
to quietly finish doing my thing (ha!) She's up and out of there in a in only a few minutes' time, not that I blame the old bird. I wanted the hell
out of there 5 minutes ago, too.
Granny shuffles her way to the door after drying her hands, muttering not under her breath enough, "Sweet Jesus, that'll gag a maggot in the Stone
Ages..." Part of me was still mortified, part of me was extraordinarily pleased. I'd never heard it equated to as "gagging a maggot in the Stone Ages"
before. Now there's a good one to remember!
A few minutes later, I'm finally convinced I'm good to go and the risk is low enough to pay & attempt to head home. I wash my hands, idle at the dryer
as if it was going to blow the shame off me or something, and eventually exit the bathroom, leaving that unholy nuclear battlefield behind me.
I find my husband and both kids patiently waiting outside the area for me, they'd already paid. I catch up, apologizing for how long it took. We got
out of there pretty quickly, and as we're loading the car up, my husband says to me while chuckling, "So. Does your contribution today mean Target can
cancel any standing pest control contacts? I can't imagine anything walking out of there alive after you got done. Can't take you anywhere,
edit on 9/19/2020 by Nyiah because: (no reason given)