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The ”Legendary Dwarf Toilet Ninja,” Ukifune Jinnai!

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posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 01:47 PM
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Sick of politics and bickering? Gather 'round everyone to hear the tale of a miniscule ninja who put the 'ass' in assassination.

jpninfo.com...


Japanese history is replete of the epic exploits of legendary ninjas throughout the ages. Names like Hattori Hanzo, Goemon, and other famous ninjas are well known throughout the world. But there is one ninja who might be more awesome than any other for sheer audacity, cunning, and smell… His name is Ukifune Jinnai: The Dwarf Toilet Ninja!

The year is 1578 and it is the closing years of Japan’s most bloody period. It was an era of legends, heroes, villains, epic samurai battles, and warlords. It is the Sengoku Jidai (Warring States period). At this time, there was essentially no central government, and power had descended to the various vassals who each controlled territories, who were constantly at war with each other.

One man decided that it would be really cool to conquer everything, so he set about doing just that. His name was Oda Nobunaga.

Nobunaga enlisted the help of the legendary Iga ninja clan. He ordered them to assassinate Kenshin. A crack hit squad of 4 ninjas led by Ukifune Kenpachi snuck into Kenshin’s domain. But, Kenshin had his own team of ninjas to protect him from such an attack. The team led by Kenpachi was discovered by Kenshin’s ninjas, and you can imagine that an epic ninja battle must have broken out, but in the end, Kenpachi’s ninjas managed to kill the other ninjas with the use of poisoned darts. They continued on with their mission. Little did they know, the leader of the opposing ninja group was only playing dead, and once Kenpachi’s ninjas moved along, he roused the guards, surrounded the ninjas, and slaughtered every last one of them.

Kenpachi had a little brother, literally, Ukifune Jinnai was a dwarf. He stood just under 1 meter in height. Upon hearing of his brother’s death, Jinnai swore revenge. He started devising plans.

Jinnai proposed a plan that seemed crazy, but just crazy enough to work. A plan that would use Jinnai’s height to his advantage. Jinnai would strike Kenshin when he was most vulnerable, on the toilet.

Jinnai, alone, snuck into the Kenshin domain and made his way through the ancient sewer-like system underneath Kenshin’s personal toilet. Using the spider-walk method, pressing your hands and feet to either side of a passageway to keep yourself perpendicular, he climbed up and waited for Kenshin to come and relieve himself.

When the time finally came, and Kenshin came to relieve himself, Jinnai was ready. As Kenshin sat down, Jinnai thrust a spear up into the proud warlord’s rectum! Jinnai hopped out and quickly made his way out, the guards distracted by their lord’s mysterious injury did not notice the poop covered ninja racing away.


So there you have it, the abridged tale of the little ninja that could. When his brother and clansmen were slaughtered, he didn't let his little stature or a little # get in the way.

He just spidermanned his way up and stuck it to the one responsible. Quite literally. I'm sure that was a pretty unpleasant way to go.

I have to say, the advent of indoor plumbing as certainly lowered the risk of assassination by 'dwarf with spear in your toilet' to negligible levels. Which is something I'm sure we're all a little more comfortable knowing.
edit on 5/9/2020 by dug88 because: (no reason given)




posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 01:53 PM
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Pretty #ty way to die.



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 02:25 PM
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This might be my favourite ever ATS thread title.



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 02:31 PM
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He literally rectified the issue he had with that clan.
edit on 5.9.2020 by ThatDamnDuckAgain because: fixed italic formatting to not break the thread



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 03:11 PM
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a reply to: ThatDamnDuckAgain

Pretty sure you just won the thread right here.

ETA:Huh well I just learned that if the poster above you doesn't close their italics properly, it'll affect your post unless you toss a /i in there. That's kinda neat.

Wonder if it works with bolding, well only one way to find out.
edit on 5/9/2020 by dug88 because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 03:43 PM
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Heard the fate of evildoers is the bottomless pit, but damn.



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 04:09 PM
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a reply to: dug88

I fixed it to not break stuff further more



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 04:58 PM
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a reply to: dug88

Talk about an attack from the rear.

Great thread, BTW.

edit on 5-9-2020 by IAMTAT because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 05:08 PM
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a reply to: dug88

Tell you one thing that revenge may not have been so sweet.


And a spear up the arse!!!

Thats a bad way to go.



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 05:17 PM
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Obviously he was able to maneuver the manure due to dwarfs high strength and constitution.

I'd like to see a high elf attempt this.



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 05:31 PM
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originally posted by: primalfractal
Heard the fate of evildoers is the bottomless pit, but damn.


I'm sure a bottom was put in there.



edit on 5/9/2020 by chr0naut because: (no reason given)



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 05:35 PM
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Vaguely similar to a scene from 'Throne Of Games'.



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 06:18 PM
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I've read somewhere that Jinnai had more than 10 deadly weapons at his disposal, but for some reason he decided to use #2 spear that night.

Later, when Kenshin was interviewed about the attack, he said it was a major pain the @$$.



posted on Sep, 5 2020 @ 08:31 PM
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a reply to: dug88

After watching the Ghoulies as a Kid I was terrified of sitting on the toilette, not good for a child to fear going to the toilette but there you have it.



Nasty and painful way to die a spear from below, there was a famous battle in English history were the Danes were routed by the Saxon's at a place called Stamford bridge, the Danes had been driven back and the Saxon army was trying to get across the bridge to finish the Job but one single HUGE Dane warrior stood his ground and killed scores of Saxon warriors, he was so ferocious and powerful that the Saxon's could not get past him so one of them snuck under the bridge and stabbed the warrior from beneath with a spear.

Shortly after that the Saxon's whom were already weakened by there war with the Danes lost England to the Norman's and were defeated themselves.

As Horror scenes go it has been used many times since the Ghoulies did it and there is another scene in another movie were a monster attacks a cruise ship and suck's some poor unfortunate woman down into the toilette.

I wonder if this Ninja had a very long, very hot bath after that.



posted on Sep, 6 2020 @ 03:09 PM
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a reply to: LABTECH767

My apology's it was the Norwegian Army that the Saxon's fought at Stamford bridge (haha I used to mix the two kings up as well since they were both called Harald.
en.wikipedia.org...



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