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Japanese history is replete of the epic exploits of legendary ninjas throughout the ages. Names like Hattori Hanzo, Goemon, and other famous ninjas are well known throughout the world. But there is one ninja who might be more awesome than any other for sheer audacity, cunning, and smell… His name is Ukifune Jinnai: The Dwarf Toilet Ninja!
The year is 1578 and it is the closing years of Japan’s most bloody period. It was an era of legends, heroes, villains, epic samurai battles, and warlords. It is the Sengoku Jidai (Warring States period). At this time, there was essentially no central government, and power had descended to the various vassals who each controlled territories, who were constantly at war with each other.
One man decided that it would be really cool to conquer everything, so he set about doing just that. His name was Oda Nobunaga.
Nobunaga enlisted the help of the legendary Iga ninja clan. He ordered them to assassinate Kenshin. A crack hit squad of 4 ninjas led by Ukifune Kenpachi snuck into Kenshin’s domain. But, Kenshin had his own team of ninjas to protect him from such an attack. The team led by Kenpachi was discovered by Kenshin’s ninjas, and you can imagine that an epic ninja battle must have broken out, but in the end, Kenpachi’s ninjas managed to kill the other ninjas with the use of poisoned darts. They continued on with their mission. Little did they know, the leader of the opposing ninja group was only playing dead, and once Kenpachi’s ninjas moved along, he roused the guards, surrounded the ninjas, and slaughtered every last one of them.
Kenpachi had a little brother, literally, Ukifune Jinnai was a dwarf. He stood just under 1 meter in height. Upon hearing of his brother’s death, Jinnai swore revenge. He started devising plans.
Jinnai proposed a plan that seemed crazy, but just crazy enough to work. A plan that would use Jinnai’s height to his advantage. Jinnai would strike Kenshin when he was most vulnerable, on the toilet.
Jinnai, alone, snuck into the Kenshin domain and made his way through the ancient sewer-like system underneath Kenshin’s personal toilet. Using the spider-walk method, pressing your hands and feet to either side of a passageway to keep yourself perpendicular, he climbed up and waited for Kenshin to come and relieve himself.
When the time finally came, and Kenshin came to relieve himself, Jinnai was ready. As Kenshin sat down, Jinnai thrust a spear up into the proud warlord’s rectum! Jinnai hopped out and quickly made his way out, the guards distracted by their lord’s mysterious injury did not notice the poop covered ninja racing away.